Book,- R 7£&_ GofiyrightN COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. Wit and Humor for Public Speakers BY WILL H. BROWN Author of "The Call of Service/' "The Legacy of the Golden Key," "Illustrative Inci- dents for Public Speakers, ' ' etc. Cincinnati The Standard Publishing Company Copyright, 1916 The Standard Publishing Company FEB 10 1917 3>C1.A455517 DEDICATION To Optimists Everywhere of Every Race and Greed CONTENTS INTRODUCTION PAGE The Place and Purpose of Wit and Humor; Strength in Variety; Point of Contact, Basis of Humor, "Good Medicine," Etc 7 CLASSIFIED STORIES SUBJECT PAGE Abundance 15 Accommodating 17 Appreciation 22 Appropriate 24 Assurance 27 Automobiling 32 Bargaining 34 Bluffing 37 Blundering 39 Caution 49 Chance 53 Childhood 56 Circumstances 68 Confession 71 Consistency 75 Contrast 76 Court 79 Courtesy 87 Courtship 89 Diplomacy 98 Disappointment 105 Domestic 109 Economy 121 Excuses 123 Experience 125 Explanation 127 SUBJECT PAGE Fame 133 Fate 135 Frank 138 Gossip 147 Habit 149 Harmony 151 Honeymoon 153 Ignorance 156 Independence 165 Information 167 Innocent 170 Interpretation 172 Manners 180 Medical 182 Mistaken 189 Musical 194 Obstinacy 199 Optimism 201 Perplexity 203 Practical 207 Precaution 213 Preference 218 Preparation 221 Pretense 222 Pride 227 Proof 230 CONTENTS SUBJECT PAGE Puns 236 Questions 242 Rebuke 245 Repartee 249 Revenge 254 Sarcasm 258 Schooldays 266 Sports 275 Strategy 278 Surprise 283 SUBJECT PAGE Suspense 287 Suspicion 290 Talent 296 Temperance 299 Thoughtfulness 301 Trapped 305 Traveling 312 Typographical 316 Warning 318 Little Questions Pithy Points . . . 320 323 : For Cross-references see Page 327. INTRODUCTION PLACE AND PURPOSE OF WIT AND HUMOR. The speaker who knows how to rightly use stories is to be congratulated. Humorous incidents, well related and aptly ap- plied, immediately catch the attention of practically every hearer, and may be made to serve as "memory hooks" on which to hang the most important points presented. It is human nature to be attracted by that which pleases us, and by remembering some- thing that has brought us laughter we easily recall that which it was used to illustrate. If, however, stories do not actually illustrate a point, it is better to leave them untold — unless it be on an occasion of gen- eral merriment, when there is a round of story-telling simply for the sake of good cheer. But for the speaker to go out of the way of his theme, for no apparent purpose except to bring in jokes, is inexcusable. The friends of an evangelist who was conducting meetings in a cer- tain city, made arrangements with officers of the Young Men's Christian Association to have him address a large number of high-school boys in the association building. The idea was com- mendable, and the opportunity one that any lover of young man- hood might prize. But this evangelist evidently thought he must make an effort to amuse the students, as the line of his talk of perhaps half an hour in length was an apparent effort to tell funny stories, brought in with but little regard for any point they were sup- posed to illustrate. The result was he gave his hearers but little, if anything, helpful to retain. A rare opportunity was wasted. Too often is this true of the speaker who mistakes the place 7 INTRODUCTION and purpose of the humorous story. If "brevity is the soul of wit," so is it the soul of humor. A little is better than a great deal. Hazlitt says: "Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food." In other words, wit and humor should be used as "sea- soning" for an address. STRENGTH IN VARIETY. Every person who speaks in public, whether it be in a young people's society, a lodge, a club, or a speaker on the rostrum, should make it a rule to express his thoughts in a clear, forceful manner, buttressed by such illustrations, humorous or otherwise, as will aid in attaining this purpose. One writer has said: "A speech, being a matter of adaptation, and having to win opin- ions, should contain a little for the few and a great deal for the many." In most audiences are a few whose interest could be held by a statistical line of argument, and a few who would be satisfied with a lot of humorous stories, but the many — the great bulk of the hearers — appreciate a simple, common-sense presentation of facts, reasonably interspersed with wit and humor. Cowper says : "Variety is the spice of life that gives it all its flavor." There may be refreshing variety in the manner of making almost any speech of any length. Facts, quotations, comparisons, poems, humorous touches here and there, may all be grouped around the theme in a most interesting and helpful way. La Rochefoucauld expressed the opinion that "a man does not please long when he has only one species of wit." A hobby is usually tiresome to every one except its possessor, but even this may be made more interesting by riding it in a number of differ- ent ways. The good, clean story is the one biggest help in afford- ing a pleasing variety. Next in importance to obtaining appropriate stories, such as clearly connect with the subject, is the ability to tell them well. INTRODUCTION Dr. Charles S. Baldwin, assistant professor of rhetoric in Yale University, in writing on "How to Tell a Story," says : "Story-telling is the oldest and the most popular of all the arts. An art it is, for some people do it much better than others, and many have improved in it by practice." Those who wish to become good story-tellers should carefully observe how stories are told by those who are considered suc- cessful in this line. When it comes to personality, however, al- ways be yourself. Never attempt to imitate another's style. One common error with many is to give too much detail, or attempt to explain a point that is perfectly clear. If it is not clear, it is not a good story to use. If it does not apply without being ex- plained, it will add no strength to the speech. The ideal story told in an ideal way is like the using of a fuse. It leads to a climax — an explosion. Neither comment nor explanation is necessary. A POINT OF CONTACT. The first thing a speaker should be sure of is that his audi- ence is in a receptive humor. If something has happened to beget any other state of mind — a delay, a long, tiresome intro- duction, a disappointment of any kind — he has just the place for at least one good story. A hearty laugh produces an imme- diate psychological effect, frequently changing the whole atmos- phere of an occasion from one of dissatisfaction to one of pleasant anticipation, thus preparing even prejudiced persons for the reception and impartial consideration of what may be said. The well-timed story often affords the necessary point of contact. Some one has spoken of laughter as the sunshine of the soul, the leaven of youth, the echo of innocence, the treasure of the humble, the wealth of the poor; banishing blues, destroying de- pression, and the enemy of grief. It is what kings envy peasants ; what plutocrats envy the poor. Laughter is the language of the happy heart. Truly, no speaker should be indifferent to the wise use of such a power to touch human lives, JO INTRODUCTION "Laugh and grow fat," has often been spoken. Dr. Wolcott savs * "Care to our coffin adds a nail, no doubt, And every grin, so merry, draws one out." Richter wrote : "Cheerfulness is the atmosphere under which all things thrive/' Shakespeare's words, "They laugh that win," may well be re- versed — "They win that laugh." It is a true proverb that "he who laughs oftenest lives longest." "good medicine." During the trying days of the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln once read to his Cabinet a chapter from a book by Artemus Ward, at which he himself laughed heartily, but not one member of his Cabinet followed suit. He then read another chapter, with not even a smiling response. Turning suddenly, he said : "Gentlemen, why don't you laugh? With the fearful strain that is upon me night and day, if I do not laugh I shall die, and you need this medicine as much as I do." Then he submitted to them for consideration a paper on a very important phase of the war. Lincoln often told stories, and was quick to see a humorous situation. Just before he began his immortal address at Gettys- burg an old woman fainted in the crowd that jammed all around the platform. At his request she was handed up to him, and he placed her in his seat. When she regained consciousness she was greatly embarrassed to find that she was being fanned by the President of the United States in the presence of thousands of people, and begged that she be put back down in the crowd. But Lincoln would not have it so. With his unfailing kindness he laughed and said: "No, no, indeed. You are all right up here. It was all we could do to pull you out of that crowd, and we could never stick you down into it again." INTRODUCTION H As Lincoln felt the need of the tonic of laughter, in order to do his work, so do many thousands of others need this same thing in their lives. Anna B. Bryant expresses it thus in one of her poems : "A laugh can lighten the heaviest load; A laugh can shorten the longest road; Eyes serene and a sunny face Are ever and always signs of grace. The trusting heart that laughs and sings Soars like a bird that has found its wings." Dr. Frank Crane says : ''To laugh is probably the best medicine ever discovered. One hearty laugh is better than a wagon-load of roots and herbs. Laughter is nature's defense against the world's burden. By laughter a man shakes off his pack, for a few minutes at least, and capers like a loose colt in the pasture. When he returns and is saddled again he is refreshed, is stronger. One cf the best laugh-makers is the good story." Beecher says: "Laughing is as divine as crying, and joy will remain after tears have been swept out of the universe." On one occasion, when Spurgeon and the Rev. Dr. Theodore Cuyler were together, they knelt at the suggestion of the former and thanked God for laughter. Richard Porson wrote : "Wit is in general the finest sense in the world. I had lived long before I discovered that wit was truth." Oliver Wendell Holmes has given us this choice bit of verse on cheerfulness: "You hear that boy laughing? You think he's all fun; But the angels laugh, too, At the good he has done." Holmes has also said: "A rogue alive to the ridiculous is still convertible. If that sense is lost, his fellow-men can do little for him." Ninon de L'Enclos believed that "the joy of the mind marks its strength." 12 INTRODUCTION BASIS OF HUMOR. We occasionally hear it said of an individual: "He likes to laugh at others, but can never take a joke on himself." As most of the things that appear funny to us are the embarrassing or disconcerting situations of others, we should cultivate the habit of submitting cheerfully when they have an opportunity to laugh at us. Some one has described a sense of humor as "that which makes you laugh at something that happens to somebody else, which would make you angry if it happened to you." Julius Hare has left us this view of the subject: "Nobody who is afraid of laughing, and heartily, at his friend, can be said to have a true and thorough love for him ; and, on the other hand, it would betray a sorry want of faith to distrust a friend because he laughs at you. Few men, I believe, are much worth loving, in whom there is not something well worth laughing at." Mildred Stewart gives expression to a good sentiment in the New York Sun, as follows : "Joke with him who jostles you, Smile on him who hurries you, Laugh at him who pushes you — It doesn't cost a cent. "Don't be carrying round that chip. Wink your eye and curve your lip, And from life's sunshine take a sip — It doesn't cost a cent." RACIAL SENSITIVENESS. As each individual should strive to overcome sensitiveness, so also should all get away from a feeling of sensitiveness in regard to jokes caricaturing the race to which they belong. As there are individual characteristics that make a person interest- ing, so are there national characteristics that make members of the different races interesting. Not many years ago the suggestion was made in all sincerity that a movement be launched to discontinue the publication of INTRODUCTION _JI3 jokes on persons of a certain race, and in the brogue of that race. Of course it was never taken seriously by enough persons to give it birth. There is one point, however, at which every public speaker should use care, and that is, never relate a story that would re- flect discredit upon an individual or a race. When clean, unob- jectionable stories that bear upon the subject can not be found, use none. Gen. U. S. Grant, twice President of the United States, made it a rule never to tell nor listen to a story that could not be told in the presence of ladies. But some speakers, desiring stories of the right kind, find themselves in the position described by Pope: "You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come ; Knock as you please, there's nobody at home." For the ready and convenient use of these and other speakers, as well as for all who love good, wholesome humor, has this collection of more than one thousand stories, covering a wide range of subjects, been prepared. In addition to the index of the themes under which the many incidents have been grouped, is given a cross-reference index, as nearly every story is appli- cable to more than one subject. It is the exception and not the rule when an incident hasn't "two sides to it," and frequently it carries at least two opposing ideas. It is this that often makes a situation appear laughable. CLASSIFIED STORIES ABUNDANCE. Woes cluster; rare are solitary woes; They love a train; they tread each other's heel. — Dr. E. Young. EASILY SATISFIED. "Want a job, eh?" "Yes, sir. I'm looking for a place where there's plenty of work." "I'm sorry, but there isn't enough here to keep you busy more than an hour or two a day." "Well, that's plenty for me, thank you, sir." DIDN'T CARE FOR A SURPLUS. "Say, Mr. Johnsing," commented Rastus, looking up from the paper he was reading, "it says heah dat in Sumatra a man kin buy a wife for foah dollahs." "Foah dollahs!" gasped Johnsing; "if a niggah's got foah dollahs, why, man, he doan' need no wife." BREWER OUGHT TO KNOW. A well-known English brewer and a friend were dining in a grill-room, when suddenly a very dapper-looking man, with sus- piciously red nose, brushed by their table. "A very prominent member of the Early Closing Society," said the brewer, quietly. The friend showed a keen interest, and inquired: "What is his official capacity?" "About three gallons, I should judge," said the brewer. 2 15 J6 WIT AND HUMOR EASILY RAISED. A tradesman in a certain town put a box outside his shop, labeled, "For the Blind." A few weeks later the box disappeared. "Hello! What's happened to the box for the blind?" he was asked by a friend. "Oh, I got enough money," he replied, pointing up to the new canvas blind that sheltered his shop window; "not bad, is it?" THE BISHOP'S OPINION. While presiding over a conference, a speaker began a tirade against universities and education, expressing thankfulness that he had never been corrupted by contact with a college. After proceeding for a few minutes, the bishop interrupted him with the question : "Do I understand that Mr. Pitts is thankful for his ignorance?" "Well, yes," was the answer, "you can put it that way, if you like." "All I have to say, then," continued the presiding officer in sweet and musical tones, "is that Mr. Pitts has much for which to be thankful." TOO SOON TO ANSWER. When Compton arrived in a strange city and learned that it had been raining there for some time, he bought an umbrella, observing that nearly every one else seemed to keep going, despite the rain. Wearying of the downpour after several days, he stopped a man on the street and remarked: "Beastly weather, seems to me. Has it been raining here long?" "Can't say exactly. You see, I have only lived here a little over a year," was the disgusted reply. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 17 \ \ ACCOMMODATING. To be commended by those who might blame without fear gives great pleasure. — Angesilaus. WILLING TO DIVIDE. "Yes," said the eminent specialist to the poor man who had called upon him, "I will examine you carefully for ten dollars." "All right, Doc," said the man, resignedly, "and if you find it I'll give you half." IMITATING HIS SENIORS. Lady caller at the door: "I saw an advertisement of your rooms to let. Have you any rats or mice here?" Young hopeful, who answered the door-bell for his busy mother : "No, but I think we could get you some." ACCORDING TO DEMAND. "I hope you are habitually truthful, Nora," said Mrs. Falcom to her new maid. "Yes'm, on me own account I alius is, mum. I only tells lies to the callers for the family," was the withering reply. HIS JOB COULD WAIT. While a reporter was telephoning his story from Sing Sing on the occasion of the execution of a noted prisoner, a convict hammering on the floor made it hard for the reporter to use the phone. "Would you mind stopping for a few minutes?" the reporter asked in a kindly tone. ]8 WIT AND HUMOR "Sure not, boss,", was the pleasant reply; "go to it. I've got twenty years to finish this job." RUSHING BUSINESS. It was a busy day in the butcher-shop. "Hurry up, John," called the butcher to the boy who was help- ing him, "and don't forget to cut off Mrs. Murphy's leg, and break Mrs. Carding's bones, and slice Mrs. Hamilton's tongue. They're all in a big rush." DIDN'T SEE IT ALIKE. "Out of work, you say?" said Mrs. Jenkins to a tramp at her back door; "well, I've a cord of wood to be cut up, and was just going to send for a man to do it." "That so, mum?" quickly replied the tramp. "Tell me where he lives, and I'll go get him for you." BOTH MEANT WELL. A very small man on a street-car made a polite offer of his seat to a very large woman who was standing up. "Thank you very much," she said, smiling down upon him as she turned toward the seat, then with a puzzled look added : "But where did you get up from?" "ONE GOOD TURN." "Ten years ago I landed here broke," said a stranger to a prominent citizen of the town. "I struck you for a dollar, and you gave it to me, saying you never turned down a request like that." "Yes?" queried the citizen, eagerly; but he got an awful shock when the stranger continued: "Well, are you still game?" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 19 READY TO OBLIGE. Pat was walking through a wood one hot day, and stopped to rest on a log. He heard the leaves rustle behind him, and looked around, when he beheld a big bear sniffling his tracks. "Ah, ye old rascal," cried Pat, "if it's tracks ye want, I'll make yez a plenty av thim !" MERELY GOOD MANNERS. A gentleman who was seated behind a negro in a street-car in Memphis relates this incident : All seats were taken, when a young negress entered. The negro arose and offered her his seat. "I hates to deprive yo', sah," she said gratefully as she took it. "Doan' mention it, miss; it ain't no depravity, I insure yo'." SHOULDN'T EXPECT TOO MUCH. "A man up-town telephones for an officer at once ; says there's a burglar in the house." "Let me see," said the police captain, reflectively, "four men are out censoring plays, two inspecting gowns at a society func- tion, and two more supervising a tango tea. Tell him I can send him an officer in about an hour and a half — that's the best I can do." FOLLOWED ORDERS. "Maggie," said the mistress to the new servant during the dinner hour, "will you go down to the basement and get the catsup ?" A few minutes later the family heard a great shooing and scampering of feet. Shortly after, Maggie came breathlessly into the dining-room and said to her astonished mistress: "Well, they're up, mum." "What are up?" "The cats, mum." 20 WIT AND HUMOR OFFERED HIS SHARE. She weighed close to three hundred pounds, and, as she stood and swayed with the movement of the car, she waxed sarcastic. "If there were any gentlemen in this car," she said, "they would not allow a lady to stand." And then a little man got up from his seat with a sigh, re- marking : "Don't be cross, ma'am. I'll be one of three toward it." HOW THE JUDGE TOOK IT. "I wish to be excused," said the worried-looking juryman, ad- dressing the judge. "I owe a man some money, and as he is to leave to-day for England to be gone some years, I want to catch him before he gets to the boat and pay him." "You are excused," said the judge in icy tones; "I don't want any one on the jury who can lie like that." A FRIEND IN NEED. Bridget left Ireland with an excellent letter of recommendation from her last mistress, but on the way over the letter fell into the sea. Not knowing how to find work without it, she appealed to a friend, and he gave her the following : "To the General Public: Bridget Flaherty had a good repu- tation when she left Ireland, but lost it on the way over." JUST A LITTLE DARKER. The grocer had put a new boy to work, and among other in- structions was this: "If we do not happen to have what a customer asks for, sug- gest something else as nearly like it as possible." Soon a woman came into the store and asked the boy: "Have you any fresh green stuff to-day?" "No, ma'am," he replied, "but we have some nice blueing." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 2[ MIGHT HAVE KNOWN IT. Residing in a little village was a lawyer who was famous for drawing up wills, in which he had long enjoyed a monopoly of the country for miles around. When a wealthy man died, there was much speculation as to the value of the property, and the town gossip set about to find out. He hunted up the lawyer, and, after a few preliminary remarks about the deceased, said rather bluntly : "I understand you made his will. Would you mind telling me how much he left?" "Not at all," answered the attorney, resuming his writing ; "he left everything he had." HAD HELPED A WORSE CASE. During an Episcopal convention in Boston, according to the Homiletic Review, one of the bishops had an experience he will long remember. He was a portly man, weighing over three hun- dred pounds. One afternoon while walking through Boston Com- mon he sat down on one of the low benches to rest. When he attempted to get up, he failed in the effort. He tried again and failed. About this time a little girl, poorly dressed, came along and was attracted by the struggles of the bishop. Stepping up to him, she asked: "Don't you want me to give you a lift?" The bishop gazed at her in amazement and said: "Why, you can't help me. You are too little." "Oh, no, I'm not," she replied confidently. "I have helped my pa get up many times when he was drunker than you are." 22 WIT AND HUMOR APPRECIATION. It is a way of calling a man a fool when no heed is given to what he says. — Pythagoras. GOT HIS FATHER'S GOAT. One day after the razor-strop had been used on Willie, his mother found him fondling a goat for which he usually professed deep hatred. "Why, darling, it's nice to see you so kind to poor Billy," she said approvingly. Over the boy's face came a look of gratitude as he gave the wondering goat another carrot. "He butted father into the pond this morning," murmured the little chap, patting his four-footed friend affectionately. AS THE SON SAW IT. "My boy," said the millionaire, lecturing his son on the im- portance of economy, "when I was your age I carried water for a gang of bricklayers," "I'm proud of you, father." answered his offspring; "if it hadn't been for your pluck and perseverance, I might have had to do something of that sort myself." GRATEFUL FOR WHAT? He is discreet who says neither too little nor too much. At a business meeting the chairman announced: "Brother Skinner tenders his resignation as a member of this body. What action shall be taken upon it?" "I move, sir," said one of the members, "that the resignation be accepted, with a vote of thanks to Brother Skinner." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS AFTER MANY YEARS. /. He had worked forty-two years for a corporation and decided to retire. In appreciation of his long and faithful service the company arranged to give him a sum of money, and asked the German foreman to present it, with a little speech. Accordingly the foreman said to him : "You haff vorked for dis gompany more ash forty years, und you vos going to kvit?" "Yes." "Veil, de gompany vos so glad dey asked me to hand you dis hundred dollars." PLAN TO RECIPROCATE. "Well, what can I do for you, Elijah?" asked Brown as the colored waiter who usually served him at the restaurant entered his office. "I got a chance to change mah p'sition, boss. Kin yo' say a good word fo' me? Say I'se hones' an' sich?" "I know you, of course, and that you're a good waiter, but how do I know you're honest?" "Well, jes' say yo' think I'se hones'— dat'll do." "All right, Elijah; anything to oblige you." "Thank yo', boss, thank yo'. When yo' comes ovah any time be suah to sit at mah table. I'll give yo' a sho't check." WHY HE VOLUNTEERED. "You're shoestring's untied, ma'am," said a small boy to a stout woman who moved majestically up the street. "I'll tie it for you, if you wish." Even a more haughty woman would have found it difficult to refuse such a kind offer, and she drew back her skirt in acceptance of his attention. The boy pulled the string tight and smiled up at her as he said : "My mother's fat too." 24 WIT AND HUMOR APPROPRIATE. Better be the head of a mouse than the tail of a lion. — Mexican Proverb. TOLD THE TRUTH. The captain, says a German paper, was questioning his men: "Which of you fellows can swim?" "I can, Captain," spoke up one soldier. "Good! Where did you learn?" "Why-er, in the water, sir !" replied the man. BACK TO THE BEGINNING. The tailor's sign in a small inland town was an apple, which very much amazed the people at first. They came in large num- bers to the tailor asking the meaning of such an odd sign. With a complacent smile he replied: "If it hadn't been for an apple, where would the clothing busi- ness be to-day?" FULL SPEED AHEAD. Kenneth was very slow, so his parents had apprenticed him to a naturalist. But even he found the boy slow. One good point, however, about the boy was that he was willing-hearted. One day, after having spent a long time in changing the water for the . goldfish, he asked : "What shall I do now?" The naturalist ran his fingers through his hair as if perplexed, and at length replied: "Well, Kenneth, I think you might take the tortoise out for a run." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 25 BELIEVED IN BALANCING. It was Arthur's first visit to the zoo. "What did you think of the animals?" inquired Uncle Frank after the return home. "Seems to me," said the boy, thoughtfully, "that the kangaroo and the elephant ought to trade tails." RIGHT IN HIS LINE. Mrs. Timkins was taking her son to school for the first time, and, after impressing the schoolmaster with the necessity of his having a thorough education, finished by saying: "And be sure he learns Latin." "But, my dear madam," said the instructor, "Latin is a dead language." "That's all right," said the woman, knowingly; "he'll want it, for he's going to be an undertaker." FARM-HAND WAS OBSERVING. A Scottish farmer one day called to a farm-hand : "Here, Tarn, gang roon and gie the coos a cabbage each, but min' ye gie the biggest ta the coo that gies the maist milk." The boy departed to do his bidding, and on his return the farmer asked if he had done as he was told. "Aye, maister," replied the lad, "I gied 'em a cabbage each, and hung the biggest een on the pump handle." TWO QUOTATIONS. The attorney for a gas company was making a popular address. "Think of the good this company has done!" he cried. "If 1 were permitted a pun, I would say, in the words of the immortal poet, 'Honor the Light Brigade !' " Whereupon a shrill voice called out from the rear : "Oh, what a charge they made !" 26 WIT AND HUMOR CAME WHEN CALLED. A bunch of conscripts was to be examined by a French army doctor. After seeing that everything was in readiness in the room, he called out to the soldier attendant : "Send in the first man." The attendant shouted : "Adam !" Sure enough, in walked a man by that name, and who happened to be the first on the list. DIDN'T LIKE THE NAME. "That Mrs. Doak is getting too smart," growled the butcher. "What's the matter now?" inquired his wife. "Why, when she came in to-day to buy a little piece of meat she told me I ought to give my scales a new name, and call them 'Ambuscade.' I've just looked up the word," he went on furi- ously, "and the dictionary says that ambuscade means to 'lie in weight.' " ACCORDING TO CIRCUMSTANCES. A London paper tells of one young man who calls his sweet- heart Revenge, because she is sweet; of a young married man who calls his mother-in-law Delay, because she is dangerous; of a Bradford man who calls his wife Fact, because she is a stubborn thing; the wife of an attorney who calls him Necessity, because he knows no law ; a Manchester man who calls his wife Sluggard, because every once in awhile she gets mad when he stays late to lodge, and goes to see her aunt; of a Newcastle man who calls his wife Enough, because she is as good as a feast. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 27 ASSURANCE. If we have not quiet in our minds, outward comforts will do no more for us than a golden slipper for a gouty foot. — John Bunyan. ABSENT-MINDED. The professor, upon returning home late at night, heard a noise, and asked : "Is some one there?" "No," came the answer from a burglar under the bed. "That's strange," mused the professor. "I was positive some one was under my bed." THE KIND IN DEMAND. A boy walked into a merchant's office in search of a situation. After answering a number of questions put to him by the man in charge, he was asked : "Well, my boy, what is your motto?" "The same as yours," he replied; "same as you have on your door — Push." He was engaged. SHE BELIEVED HIM. They had been married several years, when one night she said to him in an impressive way: "John, you do not speak as affectionately to me as you used to when we were first married. I fear you do not love me as much as you did." "There you go again !" growled the man. "Why, I love you more than life itself. Now shut up and let me read the paper in peace." 28 WIT AND HUMOR WILLING TO TRY. A boy had called where he was informed there was a possible chance to get a job, and was greeted gruffly by the proprietor, who bluntly asked him : "Do you ever tell lies ?" "No, but I think I could learn," the lad replied hopefully. JUST THE SAME. Fifty million dollars was his fortune when he died ; Fifty million cold ones on the morning when he went. Yes, he left it all behind him, and it can not be denied That he's just as dead to-day as if he hadn't left a cent. — Grit. MUST GO TOGETHER. "I tell you, Pat, my boy," the big man of the town confided, laying a patronizing hand on the young Irishman's shoulder, "I wish I had your tongue." "Sure, sor," grinned Pat, "but it would do yez no good without me brains." A SENSE OF DIRECTION. A new recruit, placed on guard for the first time, about midnight observed a shadowy form approaching from the dis- tance. Following his instructions, he called out: "Halt! Who goes there ?" "Shut up!" a husky voice replied; "I ain't going; I'm coming back." SURE OF IT FOR ONCE. Cobbledick was noted for his forgetfulness. One night he got up to take a cough-drop, and swallowed his collar-button instead. With much arx^ety he told his wife what he had done. "Don't worry," said she; "for once in your life you know where you put it." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 29 HUSBAND TO THE RESCUE. "What are you so furious about, wife?" asked the husband when she came in from talking to a neighbor over the back fence. "Mrs. Hemstead just called me an old cat, so she did!" was the snappy reply. "But you're not old, dear, so don't worry," said the husband, consolingly. PROUD OF THEM. "Have yez y ancisters, Mrs. Kelly ?" asked Mrs. O'Tc "And phwa s Ally. "People ye si "Mrs. O'Tock, will yez iisten to me ! Oi come from the rale stock of Donagans, that shpring from nobody — we shpring at thim !" NO DOUBT OF IT. The owner of a powder-mill had hastened home to investigate the cause of a serious explosion, and was told by the foreman that a man named Bill Gregory had gone into the mixing-room, probably thinking of something else, and struck a match by mis- take. "Struck a match?" said the proprietor in amazement; "I should think that would have been the last thing on earth he'd do." "It was, sir," the foreman calmly replied. \K AT BOTH ENDS OF A VISIT. "I told you last Sunday," said the teacher, "that you should all try to make some one happy during the week. How many of you did so?" "I did !" gleefully answered one of the boys. "That's nice, Sammy. What did you do?" "I went to see my Aunt Mattie, and she's always happy when I go home." 30 WIT AND HUMOR MADE HER MEANING CLEAR. An English professor, traveling through the hills, sought pro- visions at a mountain hut. "What do you all want?" called out a woman. "Madam," said the professor, "can we get corn bread here?" "Corn bread? Corn bread, do yo' say?" Then she c If and 1 -~- manner became very amiable as she went on : ■ that's n HAD THE PROOF. They were having a heated political convention in Kansas, as the story goes, and two men from rival delegations got into a serious personal dispute. "You're crazy!" shouted one. "I'm not !" retorted the other. "I can prove I'm not crazy, and that's more than you can do." "Let's see you prove it, then." Whereupon the accused man drew from an inside pocket his discharge papers from an insane asylum. MORE THAN HE WANTED. Mrs. Dressier, her three-year-old son and his nurse were on a train, the mother seated just ahead of the other two. A wasp flew in and lit near the nurse. Immediately the boy, who was used to having his own way most of the time, shrieked: "I want it ! I want it !" The nurse protested, whereupon the mother, without looking around, said: "Mary, don't tease that child. Let him have what he wants." Thus encouraged, the boy clutched vigorously at the wasp and caught it. The yell that followed was heard all through the car, FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 31 while the passengers beamed with joy. Once more the mother called out authoritatively : "Mary, let him have it, I say !" "He's got it, ma'am," was the demure reply, as the youngster's cries of pain increased. THE PALMIST'S BOOMERANG. "I've just called to — " "Certainly," interrupted the palmist, taking his hand ; "I know all about it. I see you have met with various disappointments. Something you have striven hard to get has eluded you time and again, but your end will soon be attained. Success is certain." "I am indeed glad to hear it," said he joyfully, bringing forth a blue paper, "I've called five times to collect this gas bill, and am pleased to hear you say I'm to get my money at last." READY FOR BUSINESS. # Boy Wanted," read a sign hanging outside of a store in Chicago. Soon a boy walked in, taking down the sign and carry- ing it to the proprietor. "Why did you bring that in here?" asked the astonished man. "You won't need it out there any more," said the boy, cheer- fully; "I'm here ready to take the job." You know what happened. KISSES FOR ONLY ONE. Mrs. Tomkinson's servant had been in the habit of going out to meet the grocer's boy when he came to the back door with goods. Observing this, Mrs. Tomkinson watched and saw the boy kiss her. When the girl came in the mistress said severely : "Nora, I saw the boy kiss you when you went out for the groceries. After this I shall go myself." "All right, mum," said Nora, undisturbed, "but it'll do yez no good. He says he won't kiss nobody but me." 3 32 WIT AND HUMOR AUTOMOBILING. "What is valuable is not new, and what is new is not valuable," said Daniel Webster, in 1848. He had not heard of the automobile. LOSS AND GAIN. "Guess you've had plenty of rain in your section this season?''' "Yes," said the farmer ; "hurt my crops too." "Will you lose much money?" "No, I calculate I'll break about even by haulin' automobiles out of mudholes." TIME FOR A CHANGE. "The silly things — those Ingrahams!" "Why, what's up now?" "Didn't you hear of it? They've mortgaged their automobile to buy a home." ONE OF ITS TRAITS. Explorer: "Yes, I have decided to make the final dash in an automobile." Reporter: "And you think your chance of locating the Pole is pretty good?" Explorer : "Sure ! Why, man, if I get within fifty miles of the thing, my machine will hit it." DEPENDS ON THE SIZE. "Doesn't it give you a terrible feeling to run over a man ?" in- quired a friend. "Well, if he's a large man," replied the automobile enthusiast, "it does give one a pretty rough jolt." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 33 UP-TO-DATE MEANING. "What little boy can tell us the meaning of the expression, 'the quick and the dead'?" asked the Sunday-school teacher. Willie waved his hand frantically, and was told to proceed. "Please, ma'am," he said, "the quick are the ones that get out of the way of automobiles, and the dead are the ones that don't." SPOKE FROM EXPERIENCE. "What does autosuggestion mean?" asked Pringle. "That's when your wife begins to figure out how much you would save in car- fare, and all that, if you had your own machine," replied Teggard, who had been worked just that way. STRANGE COINCIDENCE. Wife: "Henry, why don't you stop? You ran over a man!" Husband: "That's all right, dear. He's the one that guaran- teed to teach me in two lessons how to run this car." 34 WIT AND HUMOR BARGAINING. From small profits and many expenses Come a whole life of sad consequences. — Chinese Proverb. GOT WHAT HE ASKED FOR. "Now, then," said the auctioneer, holding up a pair of antique silver candlesticks, "give me a start." "Two bits !" came from a voice in the back of the room. "What!" exclaimed the horrified auctioneer, "only two bits?" "I thought that would give him a start," said the bidder in an undertone. TOO MUCH FOR THE MONEY. A one-gallus customer drifted into a country store in Arkansas and asked for a nickel's worth of asafcetida. The clerk poured out some in a paper bag and pushed it across the counter. "Charge it," drawled the customer. "What is the name, please?" "Honeyfunklemeyer," was the reply. "Take it," said the clerk; "I wouldn't write two such horn- swoggled words as asafoetida and Honeyfunklemeyer for five cents." SUITED HIM ALL RIGHT. A genial-looking man wanted an empty bottle in which to mix a solution, and went to a chemist's. Selecting the one that an- swered his purpose, he asked the price. "Well, if you want the empty bottle," was the reply, "it will be a nickel, but if you want anything in it you can have it for nothing." "Sure, that's fair," said the caller, "you might put in a cork." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 35 A POSER FOR WALDING. If Tommy doesn't develop into a Wall Street manipulator, it won't be for lack of brilliant financial ideas. He liked young Mr. Walding, who was calling regularly upon the little fellow's pretty sister, and one evening, becoming quite chatty, asked him : "Do you love sister Jenny?" "Why do you ask?" was the dazed reply of the blushing young man. "Because," was the prompt response, "she said t'other day she'd give five dollars to know. If you tell me, I'll get the money, and give you a dollar out of it." GOOD MEASURE PROMISED. Mrs. Benton was walking through the park when two ragged, dirty little boys, playing near by, stopped her, and the older one called out: "Say, lady, me kid brother does some dandy imitation stunts. Give him a dime and he'll imitate a chicken for youse." "What will he do — crow?" "Naw ! No cheap thing like that, lady. He'll eat a worm." IT MADE A DIFFERENCE. A lady, whose son was about to enter a university in another city, was anxious that he should get good rooms in a first-class boarding-house. Accordingly she went the rounds with him. The landlady of one of the houses visited said : ' "I will let this excellent room on the second floor at reduced rates, because there's a woman next door who plays the piano almost continually." "Oh," said the mother, "that won't trouble my son much — he's quite deaf." "In that case, then," said the landlady, "I must charge him the full price." 36 WIT AND HUMOR NOT TO BE SILENCED. "Dan," said the four-year-old, "give me a nickel to buy a pet monkey." "We've got one monkey in the family already," replied the older brother, mischievously. "Who is it?" asked the little fellow. "You, of course." "Then please give me a nickel to buy the monkey some peanuts." The big brother could not resist this ingenious appeal. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 37 BLUFFING. The cat and dog may kiss, yet are none the better friends. — Portuguese Proverb. THE RULING TRAIT. Jean: "Why did you refuse Charley, if you really loved him, as you say?" Marie, sadly: "Well, you see, he said he couldn't live without me, and it aroused my curiosity." KEPT HIS WORD. "Show me an Irishman and I'll show you a coward !" shouted a man addressing a crowd. "What did you say, friend?" asked a big son of the Emerald Isle, stepping quickly forward. The orator started and bit his lip, as he repeated the state- ment he had made. "I'm an Irishman !" promptly responded the big fellow, clench- ing his fists. "And I'm a coward," said the other meekly, as he turned and dashed away. HE KNEW HIS LIMIT. "William !" she shouted in a voice fit to command a regiment, "take your feet off the table this very instant !" "Margaret," he said, in a voice of manly determination, "there is but one person in the world I allow to talk to me that way." "And who is that?" she thundered, as she arose and started toward him. "Why, you, my dear," he said, gently, as he removed his feet from the table. 38 WIT AND HUMOR DIDN'T FAZE HIM. "Will fasting make you thin ?" inquired his "intended." "I don't think so. I lived on water five days last summer, and didn't lose a pound." "You did? How wonderful!" "Yes ; from Liverpool to New York." ON THE SAFE SIDE. "My proudest boast," declared the lecturer, who expected his statement to be greeted with enthusiastic cheers, "is that I was one of the men behind the guns." "How far behind?" came from a sarcastic voice in the gallery. i FOUND OUT SHE WAS IN. "I was so disappointed to learn I was out the other day when you called, Mrs. Winters." "So was I. I felt sure I'd find you, for I saw you go in just as I turned the corner." A GAME TWO CAN PLAY. The following exchange of courtesy was chronicled in a German paper's advertising columns : "The gentleman who found a brown purse, containing a sum of money, in the Blumenstrasse, is requested to forward it to the address of the loser, as he is recognized." A couple of days later appeared the following in response : "The recognized gentleman who picked up the brown purse in the Blumenstrasse requests the loser to call at his house at a convenient day," FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 39 BLUNDERING. He who pitches too high won't get through his song. — German Proverb* AND THAT A MISTAKE. "Auntie, did you ever get a proposal?" inquired the niece. "Once, dear. A gentleman talking to me over the 'phone asked me to marry him, but he had the wrong number." AN EXPERIENCED LEADER. In front of a city church was this announcement : "Christian Endeavor meeting Sunday evening at 7:30. Subject: 'The Way of the Transgressor.' The pastor will be the leader." GAY TIMES AHEAD. Wesley Kendig, who is employed in a moving-picture theater in Sioux Falls, arrived Saturday to spend two weeks' vacation, shooting and visiting his parents and friends. — Webster Reporter PERHAPS THE TRUTH. "Please don't bother to see me to the door," urged the depart- ing visitor, who had remained a long time. "Really, it's no bother at all." the hostess assured her; "it is a pleasure." VERY FRANK, HE WAS. The eccentric minister arose and cleared his throat, but re- mained silent, while the congregation awaited the beginning of the sermon in puzzled expectancy. At last he spoke. "There's a fellow in the gallery hugging a young lady," he said; "when he's done I'll begin." 40 WIT AND HUMOR WHY "THE BOYS" LAUGHED. ''What was the joke about Captain Foote, that the boys are all laughing at?" "Why, the major's wife said she'd be glad of his company at her home Wednesday evening, and the dunce took his whole company along." TIMELY WARNING. An Irish surveyor, attached to a district which had suffered severely from floods, posted this in a village which lay in the valley: "Notice is hereby given that when this board is under water the road ahead is impassable." — London Standard. FRISKY CHICKENS. The following notice appeared in a Minnesota paper, says the New York Tribune: "I have been instructed by the Village Council to enforce the ordinance against chickens running at large and riding bicycles on the sidewalk. — Harry Shells, Village Marshal." MUST HAVE BEEN THERE. A prospective tenant, who had been looking over a house, remarked : "I think, after all, a flat would suit us better." "Well, sir, for myself," said the owner, "I feel a flat is so much like a prison ; but then, of course, it all depends on what you're accustomed to." HIS INTENTION GOOD. "I tried to pay the new woman a compliment last night in my speech, but it didn't seem to be the least bit appreciated." "What did you say?" inquired the wife of the lecturer. "I said the new woman would leave large footprints on the sands of time." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 4± TIME WASTED. A story is told of a candidate who, after kissing and praising an assortment of eleven children, and marveling much at their resemblance to a matronly lady, who blushed as he talked of it, requested that she should tell her husband that he had called. "I have no husband," she answered. "But these children, madam? You surely are not a widow?" "I feared you were mistaken, sir, when you first came up the steps ; these are not my children — this is a private orphan asylum." PLENTY OF MATERIAL. This is the way one pastor made an announcement: "The Reverend Doctor Orrville will lecture on 'Fools' in the Jefferson Avenue Church Friday evening, and I trust a great many will attend." RECALLING FORMER DAYS. The president of a small college was visiting the little town that had been his former home, and had been asked to address an audience of his former neighbors. In order to assure them that his career had not caused him to put on airs, he began his address thus : "My dear friends — I won't call you ladies and gentlemen — I know you too well for that." NATURAL QUERY. A witness, in describing a certain event, said: "The person I saw at the head of the stairs was a man with one eye named Wilkins." "What was the name of the other eye?" spitefully asked the opposing counsel. The witness was plainly disgusted with the levity of the audience. 42 WIT AND HUMOR VERY NEAR A CRISIS. A young man had been calling now and then on a young lady, when, one night, as he sat in the parlor waiting for her to come down, her mother entered the room instead, and asked him in a very grave, stern way what his intentions were. He turned red, and was about to stammer some sort of a reply, when suddenly the young lady called down from the head of the stairs: "Mamma ! Mamma ! That's not the one." THE LIMIT. They had just renewed their acquaintance after five years. "Upon my word, Miss Haggerty," he said, frankly, "you have changed so much I would hardly have known you." "For the better or the worse?" she asked, with an arch look. "Ah, my dear girl, you could only change for the better." Then he wondered why she turned away from him. HE MISSED A GOOD CHANCE. "I will confess to you," she said, "that I am older than I look. I will be thirty-one my next birthday." "Really?" replied the caller; "hardly any one would guess you to be more than about twenty-nine or thirty." "That's the last time," she said to her mother when he had departed, "that I'll ever try to be nice to a brute." CAUSE ENOUGH. Two ladies, previously unacquainted, were conversing at a reception. After a few conventional remarks the younger ex- claimed : "I can not think what has upset that tall man over there. He was so attentive a little while ago, but he won't look at me now." "Perhaps," said the other, "he saw me come in. He's my husband." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 43 THE CRITICAL MOMENT. Everything was in readiness. The groom, best man, and the minister were gathered in the vestry. The organist began to play and the minister started for the door. "Wait one moment, Doctor," called the nervous groom. "Is it the right or left hand the ring goes on?" "The left," hurriedly replied the minister. "And, Doctor, is — is it kisstomary to cuss the bride ?" anxiously inquired the excited groom. WHERE MANY GET TANGLED. "Papa," said the fair daughter, "did Abner call on you at the office this morning?" "Yes ; but I couldn't make much out of what he said." "Why, papa! What do you mean?" "Well, as near as I could understand, he said he wanted to marry me ; that you had enough money to support him, and that we loved each other very much, so I told him to go home and calm down, and write it out in plain English." HAD A BRIGHT IDEA. "Where's your new flat? I may call on you." "On West Fourteenth Street, near Walnut Avenue." "But won't the trolley-cars bother you there?" "The landlord assured us they won't bother us at all after the first few nights," replied the stupid young man, "and, you know, we can spend the first few nights at father's." MIGHT HAVE BEEN FATAL. A burglar, in attempting to enter Wright's store, says the Butler County (Ky.) Reformer, was shot at by Win f red Rardin. The man started to run, the bullet striking him between the fence corner and front gate, inflicting a superficial wound. 44 WIT AND HUMOR THE TRUTH OFTEN HURTS. "Bill !" the poet gasped, staggering into his friend's room. "Why, what's wrong?" the friend asked, startled as he caught the tottering man. "Wrong?" the poet muttered; "I wrote a poem about my little boy, beginning the first verse with these words : 'My son ! My pigmy counterpart.' " "Yes? Go on; tell me quick. What's the matter?" The poet drew a long breath as he took the paper from his pocket, and, with his face blanched, pointed to the poem. The friend read aloud: "My son ! My pig, my counterpart !" ALL IN HER MIND. The superintendent of the county jail was escorting a party of women visitors through the building. They entered a room where three women were busy sewing. As they turned to leave, one of the visitors said: "What vicious-looking creatures! What are they in for? They really look capable of committing almost any crime." "Well," slowly replied the superintendent, much embarrassed, "you see, they have no other home. This is my private sitting- room, and they are my wife and two daughters.", THE REASON WHY. Two old friends were walking along the street with locked arms, discussing various topics. After exchanging family solici- tations, the absent-minded judge asked the major: "And dear old Mrs. Motander, your aunt? She must be rather feeble now. Tell me how she is." "We buried her just yesterday," said the major. "Buried her? Dear me ! Is the good old lady dead?" "Yes ; that's why we buried her." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 45 HAD A HANDY HUSBAND. The bride was anxious not to forget to order two chickens for dinner, so she repeated to herself while clearing away the breakfast dishes : "Grocer — chickens — grocer — chickens." The words became confused in her mind, so when she went to the 'phone she asked : "Have you any nice young grocers?" "Why, why, yes," replied the astonished voice at the other end of the wire. "Well," said the bride, "send me two, dressed." "Dressed?" said the voice, more astonished than before. "Why, no," answered the young wife, reflectively; "I believe you may send them undressed. If my husband comes home early, he will wring their necks and the cook can dress them." YOU MAY HAVE BEEN GUILTY. So many persons make blunders in their speech that it becomes nearly all of us to put on the soft pedal when laughing at them. A doctor's wife, in speaking of one of his patients, said: "I am sure she will die, as my husband is treating her." The warden of an insane asylum said of one of the inmates: "He would not eat himself or allow any one else to." A high-school principal made this rule: "Students must not throw rocks at cows on their way to school." A preacher said : "My good people, we will sing songs of joy ourselves this morning, because the choir is absent." REMARKABLE CONFESSION. The self-made man was speaking, and said: "My father was a raiser of hogs. There was a large family of us." And then he looked around in amazement, wondering why the people were laughing so uproariously. 46 WIT AND HUMOR TOO LATE TO CHANGE IT. There was a dear, pink little baby on the train, and an elderly man stopped to take a peek at it. "A fine youngster/' he said to its demure mother ; "I hope you will bring him up to be an upright, conscientious man." . "Yes," smiled the mother, "but I'm afraid it will be a bit difficult." "Pshaw!" said he, with a knowing air; "as the twig is bent so the tree is inclined." "I know it," agreed the now blushing young mother, "but this twig is bent on being a girl." PERHAPS IT WAS OPPORTUNE. One of the ushers in a fashionable church and his wife left home in a hurry on Sunday morning, and, after she had been seated in the church, happened to think she had left the gas burning. She was so disturbed she wrote a note and passed it to her husband. He supposing it to be an announcement, without looking at it, walked up and handed the slip of paper to the preacher. The minister was almost dumbfounded to read : "Please go home and turn off the gas." VERY PARTICULAR. A Philadelphia paper tells of an actor who was a stickler for correct English, both on and off the stage, and often took an opportunity to set right the erring in this respect. On one occasion he had gone into a New York drugstore and asked for a man's comb. "Do you want a narrow man's comb?" inquired the clerk, courteously. "No," replied the actor, with the utmost gravity, "I desire a comb for a stout man with rubber teeth." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 47 TANGLED TONGUE. The chairman of the committee was addressing a meeting at a teachers' institute, says Answers, and began : "My friends, the schoolwork is the bulhouse of civilization ; I mean, ah — " He began to feel frightened as he tried again : "The bulhouse is the schoolwork of civ — " A smile could be felt all around. "The workhouse is the bulschool of — " His embarrassment was becoming painful. "The schoolhouse, my friends — " A sigh of relief went up. He gazed serenely around. The light of triumphant self-confidence was once more enthroned upon his brow as he made another effort : "The schoolhouse, my friends, is the woolbark — " Then he lost consciousness. IT'S A POOR RULE. "Didn't you tell me you had made yourself solid with Mrs. Banker by asking her if she was herself or her daughter — couldn't tell them apart, and all that?" "Yes; what about it?" "Well, I tried it with the daughter, and she got mad as a hornet. I'm a dead duck there, all right !" THE 'PHONE TWISTED IT. The agent for a concert had left copy for the program at the printer's, and the next day the papers announced the death of a noted man. Wishing to play something appropriate in memory of the departed, the agent called up the printer on the 'phone, and asked if it was too late to put in another line. "I think we can manage it," was the reply. "Good !" exclaimed the agent ; "it's this — right at the beginning 4 48 WIT AND HUMOR of the program put these words : 'Funeral March, by Chopin.' Be sure to get the last word correct — C-h-o-p-i-n, Chopin." When a copy of the program was handed to him on the night of the concert he was almost paralyzed to read: "A few remarks by Chopin." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 49 CAUTION. Know when to speak, for many times it brings Danger to give the best advice to kings. — Herrick. NOT TO BE MIXED. Singing Teacher: "Now, children, give us 'Little Drops of Water,' and put some spirit in it." Principal, whispering: "Be careful, sir. This is a temperance school. Better say, Tut some ginger in it.' " NOT TO HIS LIKING. Stonum: "I understand that Senator Green wanted you to act as his private secretary." Simmons: "He did, but I wouldn't accept the position. I would have to sign everything 'Green, per Simmons.' " TIME ENOUGH FOR BOTH. "Come right on in, Sambo," the farmer called out. "He won't hurt you. You know a barking dog never bites." "Sure, boss, Ah knows dat," replied the cautious colored man, "but Ah don't know how soon he's gwine to stop barking." HOW HE LIKED THEM. "How will you have your eggs cooked?" asked the waiter. "Make any difference in the cost?" inquired the man with the ragged beard. "No — all the same price, any way you take them." "Then cook them on a slice of ham," said the customer, greatly relieved. 50 WIT AND HUMOR NOT THE LEADER. A very small boy was trying to lead a big St. Bernard up the road. "Where are you going to take the dog, my little man?" in- quired a passer-by. "I — I'm going to see where — where he wants to go first," was the breathless reply. STILL UP IN THE AIR. A man met another, and while not remembering who he was, but feeling certain that he was acquainted with him, held out his hand and said : "I am sure I have met you somewhere." "No doubt," was the cool reply; "I have often been there." PREFERRED TO BE UNSTUNG. "I hear you had some trouble at the picnic," said Fred. "Yes," sighed Percy, "the girls called me a coward because I wouldn't get them a hornets' nest." "Unhonored and unsung?" chuckled Fred. "Yes," said Percy, "but unstung." THEIR FIRST EXPERIENCE. A woman hired a taxicab. The door of the cab was hardly closed before the engine started with a jerk, and the cab began to race madly along, narrowly missing lamp-posts, street-cars, policemen, etc. Becoming frightened, the woman rapped on the window of the cab and said : "Please be careful, Mr. Driver. This is the first time I ever rode in a taxicab." The chauffeur replied reassuringly: "That's all right, ma'am. This is the first time I ever drove one." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 51 THOROUGHLY PESSIMISTIC. "Why don't you announce yourself as a Presidential can- didate?" "Because," replied Senator Crabtree, "I don't believe I could get nominated. And if I did get nominated, I couldn't get elected. And if I did get elected, I couldn't fill the position properly. And if I did fill it properly, I wouldn't get much credit for it anyhow." —Washington Star. LOOKING FOR A SCOOP. The new reporter called at the hotel to interview a prominent politician who had dropped into town, and, after inducing him to step over to one corner of the lobby, said to him in a whisper : "I am a reporter on the Evening Journal, and should like you to tell me what you think of the Government's foreign policy." The politician had every appearance of being perplexed as he said in low tones : "Follow me, please." Leading the way, he walked out into the dining-room, passed on into the poolroom, then on into the reading-room, down a flight of steps into the drawing-room, then through a long pas- sage into the corner back of the hat-rack, when he whispered : "I really, sir, don't know anything about it." . Fortunately for him, the reporter got out without fainting. CURIOSITY SATISFIED. The peddler rapped timidly at the kitchen door. Mrs. Kelly, angry at being interrupted in her washing, flung open the door and glowered at the man. "Do you wish to see me?" she demanded, in harsh tones. The peddler backed cautiously off the steps as he said with an apologetic grin : "Veil, if I did I got my vish, dank you !" 52 WIT AND HUMOR WOULDN'T INCRIMINATE HIMSELF. Johnny had been having a good time with his new air rifle, when an irate woman next door screamed out at him : "Did you break my window?" Looking from her to the broken glass, the boy calmly asked: "Did you saw me?" "No, but—" "Then I didn't do it," he said, as he took aim at the cat. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 53 CHANCE. Things don't turn up in this world until something turns them up. — James A. Garfield. A HARD QUESTION. "Won't you be very, very happy when your sentence is over ?" asked a woman, cheerily, of a convict in prison. "I dunno, lady," gloomily replied the man; "I'm in for life." HE WENT THE LIMIT. "Did you see my sunburst last night?" inquired the pompous Mrs. Waddington of her neighbor, who had also been at the reception. "No, I didn't," replied the other, caustically, "but I certainly thought he would if he ate another bite," TAKING TOO MUCH RISK. The cavalry sergeant was plainly provoked as he approached one of his men and said : "I told you never to step up to a horse from the rear without speaking to him. First thing you know they'll kick you in the head, and we'll have a bunch of lame horses on our hands. You have simply got to be more careful." HIS OWN PRIVATE AFFAIR. Mr. Garrett (at the theater) : "Will I have time to go out and get a drink, Mr. Usher?" Courteous Usher (referring to the curtain) : "It won't stay down a minute, sir." "That's my business, sir !" sharply replied Garrett. 54 WIT AND HUMOR MANY IN THE SAME BOAT. "I believe," said the tired business man, as he put aside the telephone, "that I'll go fishing." "Didn't know you were fond of fishing." "Ordinarily I am not, but it's the only chance I see of getting at the end of a line that isn't busy." TOO MUCH CURIOSITY. A man speeded up to see if he could beat the train to the crossing. He couldn't. A man struck a match to see if the gasoline-tank on his auto- mobile was empty. It wasn't. A man patted a strange bulldog on the head to see if the critter was affectionate. The pup wasn't. A man asked a girl to marry him just to see if she was engaged. She wasn't. SHOULD BE WILLING TO RISK IT. "I would like to help you," said the particular man, "but if I give you a nickel I'm afraid you may not put it to good use." "Well," replied the philosophic tramp, "a nickel ain't enough to do much harm with, or much good, either, for that matter, so take a chance, Gov'ner — take a chance." DOING TWO THINGS AT ONCE. "Robbie," called the teacher, sternly, as she came upon a scene of trouble, "why are you sitting on that boy?" "He pasted me in de eye !" said Bobbie, savagely. "But didn't I tell you to count one hundred before you let your angry passions rise?" "Yes'm, and I'm doin' it. I'm sittin' on him so he'll be here when I get troo countin' !" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 55 NOT IN DEMAND. A society girl approached a popular singer and asked sweetly : "Can't I put you down for a couple of tickets ? We're getting up a raffle for a poor man." "My dear," replied the singer, "I wouldn't know what under the sun to do with a poor man if I won him !" WHY FATHER WAS CAUTIOUS. "Father," said the son, just approaching his majority, "I would like to talk with you about my future. I have made up my mind to become an artist. You have no objections, have you?" "Well, no, my son — with the understanding, of course, that you don't draw on me." 56 WIT AND HUMOR CHILDHOOD. Our neighbor's children are always the worst. — German Proverb. PERHAPS TIRED OUT. Little Edna was endeavoring, in vain, to thread a needle, and finally said: "Mamma, I fink dis needle must be asleep. I just can't get the thread in its eye at all." JUST LIKE THE DARLING. "I suppose your baby sister cries some?" asked one of the neighbors. "Cries!" said Mary; "why, she just seems to look on the dark side of things all the time." SUCH A FOOLISH QUESTION. Leslie, aged four, went into a near-by grocery for some canary seed. "Is it for your mother?" asked the clerk. "No, of course not," replied the boy with disdain, "it's for the bird." NOT TO BE OUTDONE. Elizabeth and Sarah, playing together at school, had a slight quarrel, and, in order to show her superiority, Elizabeth said proudly : "We keep two servants, and have two automobiles, and a great big house." Sarah hesitated a moment, then, with equal pride, said: "And we've got a skunk under our barn." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 57 IN THE GOOD OLD WAY. Kind-hearted Lady : "What are you crying that way for, little boy?" Harold (pausing an instant) : " 'Cause it's the only way I knows how to cry. It's the way all the little boys cry." NOT THAT SERIOUS. "I'm sorry to hear your mother is ill," said the sympathizing teacher to the little girl who had come late; "is she sick a-bed?" "Not quite," replied the truthful child; "she's just sick a-sofa, now." WHERE THE LINE WAS DRAWN. The visitor was asked to make a talk to a class of boys in Sunday school, and, after explaining to them the human nature of Christ, asked: "Was he not a man, like myself?" "No, sir; he was a good man," promptly answered one of the boys. THE CHILD'S REQUEST. Little Cordelia's grandmother had an old-fashioned way of measuring a yard by holding one end of the goods to her nose, and then stretching the piece at arm's length. One day the child found a bit of ribbon and gravely requested : "Grandma, smell this and see how long it is." WHY SHE WAS THOUGHTFUL. Bessie was on her way to church with a woman who thought a great deal of her, and was handling a nickel which had been given to her to put in the collection plate. With a wistful look she asked : "Don't you wish church was like stores, and give us back some change ?" 58 WIT AND HUMOR LOOKING TO THE FUTURE. Mother: "Helen, dear, little girls must not talk all the time at the table." Helen: "When will I be old enough to, mother?" JUST AN ORDINARY MAN. On papa's return home in the evening his five-year-old daughter said to him: "A strange man was here to-day to see you, papa." "Did he have a bill?" the father inquired. "No, papa, just a plain nose like all the rest of us." NOT FOND OF THEM. Homer, who was eating dinner at the home of a neighbor, had three times refused chicken gravy. The good woman, who had added macaroni, finally said: "Why, I thought you liked chicken gravy?" "I do, most times," replied Homer, regretfully, "but mamma never puts the wind-pipes in." VERY REAL FOR SISTER. "Why, Jacky, open the door and let sister in. Don't you see it's raining?" cried the boy's mother. "Can't do it, mamma," said Jacky, earnestly; "we're playing Noah's ark. I'm Noah and Katie is the sinners, and she muct stay out in the wet — don't you see?" SETTLED FOR ALL TIME. A little boy, noted for his thoughtfulness, when asked why the giraffe has such a long neck, replied: "'Cause his head is so far from his body." None of the learned men present could dispute the boy's decision. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 59 WILLING TO WAIT. Anabelle, who is fond of ice-cream, was spending the day with her aunt. She had eaten her first dish, and, after a short silence, begged for a second. "I'm afraid," said the aunt, "that it would make you sick, and then you couldn't come to visit me." "But, auntie," was the cheerful reply, "I could come just as soon as ever I got well." HIS POWER SUPREME. "Oh, no," soliloquized little Bruce, "there ain't no favorites in this family! Oh, no! If I bite my finger nails just a little bit, I get a rap over the knuckles, but if the baby eats his whole foot, they think he's the cutest thing that ever was." CORRECT IN ONE SENSE. Little Marjorie had a severe cold, and, holding a rose to her mother's nose, asked her if it was sweet. "Yes, dear," the mother replied; "can't you smell it?" "No, mamma, my nose is deaf." KNEW FROM EXPERIENCE. The teacher had been talking about military fortifications, and asked : "Now, children, can you tell me what is a buttress?" "Please, ma'am," said Sammy, eagerly, "it's a nanny goat!" NOT TO BE OVERLOOKED. The primary teacher asked her class to name one thing of im- portance that did not exist a hundred years ago. Dollie, the only child in a well-to-do home, who was seated near the front, promptly arose, and with an air of importance answered: "Me!" 60 WIT AND HUMOR WHERE HE FAILED. Freddie had been taught in Sunday school that man was made out of dust. One evening, when the little fellow's father came home, the boy surprised him by saying: "Papa, I made a man out of dirt to-day, but I just couldn't put the wiggle in him." SOMETHING WRONG. "Are you and papa both goin' to stay home this evening?" asked the little child. "Yes, dear," replied the mother. The little one was thoughtful a moment, then asked, seriously : "What ith the matter, mamma?" JUST KILLING TIME. Etta : "Mamma is dressing now." Lady Caller: "Why, she needn't have changed her dress just for me, dearie." "I know it, but she said the more time she tooked that way the less time she'd have to put up with you." WHAT HE GOT. Bobby sat with his papa in church, when the collection basket was passed around. After the deacon had gone he whispered in his father's ear: "Daddy, how much did you get? I got a quarter!" SHE WENT PREPARED. Five-year-old Rachel had been in Chicago for the first time, and, upon her return, was asked by a neighbor if she didn't find the city much bigger than she expected. "No," was her prompt reply, "for I expected to find it bigger than I expected." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 61^ MARK OF IDENTIFICATION. Little Minnie, in telling something said by one of the guests at a social affair at her home, had difficulty in remembering his name. "Was it Mr. Walker?" asked the mother, suggestively. "No," replied Minnie, and then with sudden inspiration, "it was the one with the gone hair." APPRECIATED HIS BLUNDER. Harold, five years old, came in and told his mother he had walked home from kindergarten with Mr. and Mrs. Smithers. When informed that they were not married, but were brother and sister, the boy replied rather coyly: "That's a good one on me, then. I've been calling him Mr. Smithers right along." KNOWN BY THE FRUIT. "This tree seems to be loaded with apples," observed the city visitor to the little daughter of the friend he was visiting in the country, and continued : "Are all your trees as full of apples as this one?" "Oh, no, sir," was the prompt reply, with an air of deep understanding; "only the apple-trees." THOUGHT HIS TURN HAD COME. Carl had been deeply impressed by the story of the creation of Adam and Eve, as told by the Sunday-school teacher, and es- pecially the part about Eve being made from one of Adam's ribs. The next day while playing at home he had a pain in his side, and when his mother found him on the bed he was sobbing. "Why, what's the matter with my little man?" she asked. "Oh, dear," said he, very seriously, "I guess I'm getting a wife." 62 WIT AND HUMOR FINDING OUT FOR HIMSELF. Harry had heard the folks around the house talking about his pretty sister's ardent suitor, and easily understood what they said, but not always what they meant. One evening, when the young man had called, he walked with grim determination into the parlor and opened out his chubby hand, filled with small white objects. "What's them?" he asked in a tone of demand. "Beans," said the young man, with an ingratiating smile. "He does know them, maw !" the boy bawled out triumphantly to his mother in the adjoining room; "you said he didn't." SIGNIFICANT QUERY. The hostess was much given to talking, and, in relating some interesting incidents, forgot to give little Charlotte anything to eat. After some time had elapsed, the little girl could bear it no longer. With sobs rising in her throat, she held her plate up high as she said: "Does anybody want a clean plate?" NOT AS WAS EXPECTED. "Now, who was it that was not glad when the prodigal son returned home?" asked a teacher in the Primary department, ex- pecting to hear the reply, "The elder brother." Instantly a little hand went up, and the teacher asked : "Who was it, Tony?" "It was the calf," came the confident answer. LOOKED MIXED TO HIM. Harry pointed to a preacher and asked his mother : "Mamma, who is that man ?" "Hush, darling ; that's the gentleman that married me." Harry, perplexed : "Then, what's pa doing hanging around our house all the time?" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 63 HE HEARD ONLY ONE. Teddy had never seen a cow, being a city boy. While on a visit to the country he walked across the fields with his grand- father. There they saw a cow, and Teddy's curiosity was greatly excited. "What is that?" he asked, breathlessly. "Why, that's a cow?" "And what are those things on her head?" "Those are her horns." As they walked on, the cow mooed loud and long. The boy jumped around in surprise and exclaimed, as he looked back : "Which horn did she blow, grandpa?" TOO HEAVY AFTER THAT. When the Christmas dinner was over, the family and guests adjourned to the big sitting-room, where they were joined by several of the neighbors. Consequently there was a scarcity of chairs, and a young gentleman friend of the family, who had taken dinner with them, held Willie on his lap. This would have worked all right if the grown folks had kept talking, but during a lull in the conversation Willie looked up into the face of the young man holding him and innocently asked, in a loud voice: "Am I nearly as heavy as sister Mabel?" CLAIMED ONE IDEA. Evelyn was discovered by her mother engaged in a spirited encounter with a small friend, who had got considerably worsted in the engagement. "Don't you know, dear," said the mother, "that it is very wicked to behave so? It was Satan that put it into your head to pull Elsie's hair." "Well, perhaps it was," Evelyn admitted, "but kicking her shins was my own idea, so it was !" 5 64 WIT AND HUMOR WANTED IT AT ANY COST. "Ma," said little Ethel at two o'clock on a cold morning, "I want a drink." "Hush, darling," said the mother, "turn over and go to sleep." "But I want a drink." "No, you are only restless." After a silence of perhaps five minutes the child commenced again : "Ma, I want a drink." "If you say another word, I'll get up and spank you," said the mother firmly. "Ma, when you get up to spank me will you get me a drink?" This brought the much-desired drink of water. ONE THING HE OVERLOOKED. "Children," began the Sunday-school superintendent, "this pic- ture illustrates to-day's lesson. Lot was warned to take his wife and daughters and flee out of Sodom. Here are Lot and his daughters, with his wife just behind them, and there is Sodom in the background. Now, has any girl or boy a question before we take up the study of the lesson? Well, Susie?" "Pleathe, thir," lisped the latest graduate from the infant class, "where ith the flea?" HAD THAT APPEARANCE. Doris rushed out of the house and halted a passing neighbor, exclaiming: "Oh, you don't know what we've got upstairs! It's a new baby brother !" Then expectantly she watched the effect of her announcement. "You don't say so! Is he going to stay?" came the response. "I think so," said Doris, very thoughtfully ; "he's got his things off." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 65 DIFFERENT NOW. Charlie's grandfather was talking to him about battles he was in during the Civil War, and said : "Nearly a generation and a half ago my head was grazed by a bullet in the battle of Chickamauga." Charlie looked carefully at the bald head of his grandfathe and said : "Not much grazing there now, is there, grandpa?" REMEMBERED IT ALL. Mamma: "Now, Frankie, if they pass you cake a second time at the party, you must say, 'No, thanks, I've had plenty.' And don't you forget it." All went well with the boy until the hostess said kindly : "Won't Frankie have another piece of cake?" "No, thanks. I've had enough, and don't you forget it!" was the astonishing reply. HIS LOGICAL CONCLUSION. When nine years of age Orrin wanted to keep a diary. His first entry was, "Got up this morning at seven o'clock," which he proudly showed to his mother, but she, much to his surprise, said : "Got up, indeed! Such an expression! Does the sun get up? No ; it rises." That night, just before retiring, Orrin made this entry in his diary: "Set at nine o'clock." LIKE THE GROWN-UPS. The father of a St. Louis boy had given him a dime and a quarter, telling him he might put one or the other on the church collection plate. At the Sunday dinner the father asked the boy which coin he had given. "Well, papa," was the philosophical reply, "'at first it seemed 66 WIT AND HUMOR to me that I ought to put the quarter on the plate, but just in time I remembered the verse, The Lord loveth a cheerful giver,' and I knew I could give the ten-cent piece cheerfully, so I put that in." TIME TO BE GOING. As the Sunday-school teacher entered her classroom she was surprised to see a little girl and her still smaller brother leaving in great haste, the girl ahead and tugging at the other to hurry. "Why, Carrie, you aren't going away, are you?" the teacher asked. "Pleathe, Mith Anne, we've got to go," was the anxious reply; "Jimmy'th thwallowed hith collection." HIS FIRST "SOCIETY" LESSON. Elmo overheard his mother saying to his older brother that it was a tactful thing to appear to think people younger than they were. His sister's French teacher arrived shortly after, and it fell to Elmo to entertain her until his sister appeared. "How old are you, Miss Grey?" he asked, very politely. "I'm dreadfully old," she answered ; "I'm twenty-three." "Oh," said the little fellow, "I — I never thinked you was more'n — seven or eight." JUST LIKE A WOMAN. Home study for Albert had just begun, and he found it hard to apply himself to regular hours. At bedtime, one evening, his father said: "Albert, I'm not at all pleased with the report your mother gives me of your conduct to-day." "I knowed you wouldn't be, and I told ma so. But she went right ahead and told you, just the same. Just like a woman, ain't it, pa?" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 67 HIS OCCUPATION PICKED. "Mamma, what does pa work at?" "Why, he's a tea-sampler; he samples the different kinds of teas." "Do you know what I'm going to be when I grow up, mamma ?" "No; what is it, my boy?" "Best trade in the world ! A pie-sampler !" OFTEN WORKS THAT WAY. The seven-year-old son of a Pennsylvania judge attended his father's court for the first time, and was much interested in the proceedings. Upon his return home he was questioned as to his experience, and responded as follows : "Oh, papa just made a speech, and then some other men made speeches to twelve men who sat all together. Then they was put in a dark room to develop." THE WAY IT LOOKED TO HIM. Hostess, at a party: "Does your mother allow you two pieces of pie when at home?" Ralph, hesitatingly: "No, ma'am." Hostess: "Well, do you think she'd like you to have two pieces here?" Ralph, with confidence : "Oh, she wouldn't care, I'm sure ; this isn't her pie." 68 WIT AND HUMOR CIRCUMSTANCES. Old boys have playthings as well as young ones; the difference is only in the price. — Franklin. A WELL-KNOWN FACT. "What has become of your watch ? The one you used to carry had such a handsome gold case." "I know it did, but, as you've often heard, no doubt, circum- stances alter cases." THE IMPORTANT THING. "Your wife seems very busy these days." "Yes ; she is to address a women's club Friday." "Ah, I see; working on her address?" "No, her dress." THE REAL OFFENDER. Mother heard a terrible scuffling on the porch and looked out to ascertain the cause. "Oh, you naughty boy!" she called to her four-year-old son; "stop pulling that cat's tail." "I'm not pulling it, mamma," he said, innocently; "I'm only holding it. The cat's doing all the pulling." AT BOTH ENDS OF LIFE. "It used to please me," said the old man, reflectively, "when the barber asked if I wanted a shave when I was a youngster." "Quite natural," responded the listener. "Yes ; and now he sometimes flatters me by asking if I want a hair-cut." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 69 COULDN'T STAND IT REVERSED. David McKeegan was the only grocer in the little Scotch vil- lage, and was earnestly going about his work when a little old woman came in. "Did ye no' dismiss my lad this morning, after he had served ye for a week as errand-boy?" she asked. "Yes," said McKeegan, "I did. I'm sorry to say that he was too slow and lazy." "Weel," said the woman, "he's rather to be pitied. He's whit they ca' a somnambulist — walks in his sleep, ye ken — " "Yes, yes," interrupted the grocer; "that's all right. I could stand that, but I don't want a boy around who sleeps in his walk." OF A DIFFERENT COLOR. Visitor, endeavoring to console Arthur, who has upset a bottle of ink on the carpet : "There's no use crying over spilt milk." "Of course not," replied the boy; anybody knows that. All you have to do is to call the cat, and she'll lick it up. But this don't happen to be milk, and mother'll do the licking." THE WAY SHE FIGURED IT. "Aunt Mollie, do you think you are a Christian?" asked a preacher while talking to an old negro woman who was smoking a pipe. "Yes, brudder, I 'spects I is." "Do you know that there is a passage in the Scripture that declares that nothing unclean shall inherit the kingdom of heaven ?" "Yes, I'se heard ob it, brudder." "Well, you smoke, and there is nothing so unclean as the breath of a smoker. So what do you say to that?" "Well, when I goes dere, pahson, I 'spects I'se gwine to leave my breff behind me." 70 WIT AND HUMOR LIMITED TO THE LIMIT. John and Pat, friendly workmen, were constantly tilting each other. "Are you good at measurement ?" asked John. "I am that," promptly replied Pat. "Then, could you tell me how many shirts I could get out of a yard?" "Sure," said Pat, "jist as many as were on the loine." CAUSE OF THE ALARM. William Smith, a country storekeeper, went to the city to buy goods. They were sent immediately, and reached home before he did. When the boxes were delivered, Mrs. Smith, who was keeping the store, uttered a scream, seized a hatchet and began frantically to open the largest box. "What under the sun is the matter?" asked one of the by- standers in amazement. Pale and faint, Mrs. Smith pointed to an inscription on the box which read : "Bill inside." NO TIME FOR SHOPPING. Mrs. Eby: "I'm going downtown this morning, hubby." Mr. Eby: "Shopping, my dear?" Mrs. Eby: "No, I haven't time for that to-day; just to buy some things I need." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 71 CONFESSION. He knows no refuge from confession but suicide, and suicide is con- fession. — Daniel Webster. MUCH IN DEMAND. Comedian: "I played Hamlet once." "Did you have a long run?" inquired a listener. "About three miles, near as I can remember now." WOULDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE IT. An Irishman saw, while passing through a cemetery, these words engraved on a tombstone : "I still live." Pat paused a moment and mused : "Be jabers, if I was dead I wouldn't be denyin' it." ADVICE ALREADY TAKEN. "What's the matter, little boy?" asked the kind-hearted man of the lad who was yelling lustily. "Boo-boo, boo-boo," sobbed the boy. "Come, come, don't mind," said the man, soothingly. "I didn't," sobbed the boy, "and that's just wha* I got licked for." BELIEVED IN SELF-PROTECTION. "You admit, then," inquired the judge, severely, "that you stole the pig?" "I has to, boss," said the prisoner. "Very well, then. There's been a lot of pig-stealing going on around here lately, and I am going to make an example of you, or none of us will be safe " 72 WIT AND HUMOR NOT A GOOD CUSHION. Frank, aged twenty, came home from a party, and, in answer to a question from his mother as to how he enjoyed it, replied, with some hesitation: "All right, except my new stiff hat got mashed. One of the girls sat down on it." "There it goes again," said his mother, reprovingly. "I can never get you to be orderly and systematic — to put things in their proper place. If you could not hang your hat up, you should have held it in your lap." "That's where it was," he replied, sheepishly. CORNERED THE CLERGYMAN. One day a commercial traveler met a preacher on the train, and took him to be a brother carrier of samples. "Do you represent a big house?" he began. "Biggest on earth — Lord and Church," said the minister. "Lord and Church? Don't know 'em. Got any branches?" "Branches all over the world." "Funny I never heard of them. Dry goods, I suppose?" "Well," said the clergyman, smiling, "they do call my sermons dry sometimes." NO NEED OF A TRIAL. An old negro, who for several years had conducted an illicit still in the mountains of Kentucky, fell a victim to the vigilance of the revenue officers, and was taken before the court. "What's your name?" inquired the judge. "Joshua, yo' honnah," said the negro, much frightened. "Ah, I suppose, then, you are the Joshua who made the sun stand still?" "No, sah, I'se not dat Joshua at all ; I'se de Joshua dat made de moonshine." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 73 SHE HAD HEARD OF IT. Two married women were discussing their days of courtship, when one said with a reminiscent smile : "My husband made a perfect fool of himself when he proposed to me." "That's what I've heard a number of people say," was the cruel response of the other. The reminiscent smile immediately faded. HAD NARROW ESCAPE. "About half a mile down this road, my friend, there's a farmer who wants men to help him in his fields," remarked a pedestrian as he handed a coin to a tramp. "Thanks for the warning, guv'ner," said the wanderer, grate- fully; "I might have strolled down by there, accidental-like." LAUGHTER AND TEARS. Tommy emerged from a room in which his father was tacking down carpet. The boy was crying bitterly. "Why, what's the matter?" inquired his mother in surprise. "Papa hit his finger with the hammer," cried the boy. "Well, don't cry at a little thing like that. Why didn't you laugh?" said the mother, thinking to comfort him. "I did," was the disconsolate reply. THE WAY IT IMPRESSED HIM. Clifford was told at Sunday school that when he died he would leave his body on earth. He was troubled about it, and questioned his mother, who explained to him by saying: "You will take all the good with you, but leave all that is naughty here below." The boy thought a moment, then, looking up, said : "Well, I'll likely be awfully thin when I get up there." 74 WIT AND HUMOR A LONG WAYS OFF. This life would be a merry jaunt, From woe we'd all be free, Were we as honest as we want All other men to be. — Cincinnati Enquirer. And all of us would now wear wings, Like birds that pierce the blue, If we would only do the thrngs Our neighbors want us to. — Nebraska State Journal. A happy world of this we'd make, One free from fret and fuss, If all the people here would take Their good advrce from us. — Detroit Free Press. We'd store up pleasure in our vaults And throw away the key, If all our friends could see their faults As quickly as do we. — Judge. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 75 CONSISTENCY. Until a man becomes as good an anvil as he is a hammer, he fails to be thoroughly fitted for his work. — 7. G. Holland. NOTHING TO LAUGH AT. Friend: "So this is one of your jokes, is it? Ha! Ha! Ha!" Humorist, testily: "Well, what are you laughing at, anyhow? Isn't it a good one ?" BENEATH HIS NOTICE. "By the way," said the gentlemanly-looking man in the black broadcloth suit, "if you mention my name in connection with the accident, you might say that Dr. Swanken was called, and the fractured arm suitably bandaged, or something to that effect. Here's my card." "Thanks," said the reporter, looking at the card. "You are next to Dr. Snyder, I believe. Suppose you are acquainted with him?" "No, sir," was the stiff reply. "We do not recognize him as a member of the profession. He advertises." THE SPIDER AND THE BOY. "See the spider, my son, spinning its web," said the father to his small son. "Is it not wonderful ? Do you reflect that no man could spin that web, no matter how hard he might try?" "Welt, what of it?" replied the offspring. "Watch me spin this top. No spider in the world can do that, no matter how hard he might try." 76 WIT AND HUMOR CONTRAST. A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.— • French Proverb. THE TRAMP'S COMPLAINT. "Some guys ain't got no heart," said the tramp to his pal. "Here I bin a-tellin' dat feller dat I wuz so flat broke dat I had ter sleep outdoors." "An' dat didn't bring nuttin'?" asked the other. "Naw ! He tol' me he wuz doin' de same t'ing, and, besides, had ter pay de doctor fur tellin' him to." WHAT HE WANTED. Doctor : "That last case has made me miss the dinner this evening to hear the distinguished Professor Wood." Wife: "Never mind, Doctor; the speeches will be published." Doctor: "Yes, but the dinner won't." NOTHING TO BRAG ABOUT. "Wud yez look at that?" exclaimed Mrs. Nunon in just in- dignation. " 'Washin' and ironin' done.' Shure, and she ain't wan bit ahead av me. Oi've got me washin' and ironin' done, too, but yez don't see me a-hangin' out a sign a-braggin' about it.'* HER VIEW. "What could be more sad than a man without a country?" feelingly asked the high-school literature teacher of her class. "A country without a man," promptly responded one of the girls. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS IJ^ SCRIPTURE INCIDENT REVERSED. George Ade, automobiling in Indiana, dined at a country hotel among a roomful of ministers. They were holding a convention in the town, and were much amused when Mr. Ade's identity was disclosed to them. During the dinner one of them said to him : "How does a humorist of your stamp feel, sir, in such com- pany as this?" "I feel," said Mr. Ade, promptly, "like a lion in a den of Daniels." — The Advance. REVERSING THE ORDER. The toastmaster arose to introduce a prominent speaker, and said: "Gentlemen, you have just been giving your attention to a turkey stuffed with sage, and now you will please give your at- tention to a sage stuffed with turkey." THE DIFFERENCE. After suffering a long time with toothache, the young colored girl got up enough courage to go to the dentist. The moment he touched the tooth she began to scream. "Look here," he said, "you mustn't yell like that. Don't you know I'm a painless dentist?" "Well, mebbe yo' is painless, sah," she said, rolling her eyes in agony, "but Ah sho' isn't." BOTH ON ANXIOUS-SEAT. "What am de difference between an oV maid and a married woman?" queried Sambo. "I done gib it up," said Bones. "Jes' dis," Sambo went on ; "de of maid am lookin' for a husband ebery day, and de married woman am a-lookin' for him ebery night." 78 WIT AND HUMOR HARD ON THE BEES. Up in Vermont Uncle Eph Kinney was looking over his field of clover when a neighbor came along. "Grass is awfully short this year, ain't it, Uncle Eph?" he inquired. "Short!" cried the old man; "why, it's so short that the bum- blebees hev to git down on their knees to suck the blossoms !" LUCK WAS WITH HIM. On the advice of a friend a book-agent called on a certain man in a big office building. Several days later the agent met the friend on the street. "Hello, Rogers !" cheerfully greeted the latter, then, referring to the call, asked: "Did you have any luck?" "Well, I should say I did! I managed to escape from the building before he sold me five hundred shares of mining stock." SAME RESULT IN DIFFERENT WAYS. Hallford: "Isn't there a fable about the ass disguising himself with a lion's skin ?" Cynic : "Yes ; but now the colleges do it with a sheepskin." THE FINAL STEP. Pat: "Marriage is loike making a call. Fir'rst, ye go to adore ; then ye ring a belle ; and then ye give yer name to a maid." Mike : "And then ye get taken in, begorra !" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 79 COURT. Every man should know something of law. If he knows enough to keep out of it, he is a pretty good lawyer. — Josh Billings. INHARMONIOUS CRY. "Justice ! Justice ! I demand justice !" shrieked the defendant, loudly. "Silence!" said the judge, sternly. "The defendant will please remember he is in a court-room." AN AWFUL SCRAP. Puzzled Magistrate (to witness) : "Now, madam, please give us your version of the fight." Witness: "Well, if he'd 'a' hit him like he did him, he'd 'a' killed him, or him him." MAY HAVE BEEN TRUE. "Now, Pat," said the judge to an old offender, "what brought you here again?" "Two policemen, sor," was the reply. "Drunk, I suppose?" queried the judge, in a matter-of-fact tone. "Yes, sor," answered Pat, "both av thim." NOT TO BE INSULTED. "Are you the defendant in this case?" asked the judge of a very black man. "No, boss," was the reply, "I ain't done nothin' to be called any sech name like dat. I'se the gen'leman as took de chickens, sah." 6 80 WIT AND HUMOR HONEST CONFESSION. Two men were arraigned on a charge of violating the law. "Have you an attorney?" asked the judge. "We're not going to have any lawyer," was the surprising an- swer; "we've decided to tell the truth." NEARLY ALWAYS WORKS. Judge O'Coogan : "Haven't you been here before?" Astute Prisoner : "No, your Honor. Oi niver saw but wan face that looked loike yours, and that was a photograph av an Irish king." Judge O'Coogan : "Discharged ! Call the nixt case." FOR PHILADELPHIA LAWYER. "So your wife nags you?" inquired the judge. "Yes," said the blear-eyed man; "it's something fierce." "Does she nag you because you drink, or do you drink because she nags you?" At this point technicalities began to creep in. TOOK THE SAFE COURSE. "Judge, why did you adjourn court for five minutes just now?" "I felt as though I had to sneeze." "Well, what of that?" "I feared if I did sneeze on the bench some of the lawyers would make that the basis for a new trial." CRUEL INQUISITIVENESS. "Ignorance of the law," interposed the judge at a certain juncture in a case, "is no excuse for violation of the law." "May I inquire, your Honor," asked the prosecuting attorney, "whether your remarks are directed at the defendant or his lawyer ?" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 8[ THE DIGGING WAS DIFFICULT. The cross-examination of a Swede in a court case nearly exhausted the patience of the lawyer who was plying him with questions. The attorney was endeavoring to find out the man's occupation. "Where do you work?" he began. "Ay work in a factory." "What kind of a factory is it?" "It bane a very big factory." "What do you do there?" The witness seemed perplexed, so the lawyer asked him again: "What do you make ?" "Oh, yes ; Ay understand," he said, his face lighting up ; "Ay make dollar and a half a day." WORKED LIKE A CHARM. An attorney, engaged in a case in which property of various descriptions was involved, made a long, tedious speech, referring, in detail, to each kind, putting nearly everybody to sleep. Finally, changing his voice, he exclaimed to the judge : "I will now address myself to the furniture." "You have been doing that for some time, Mr. Harkinson," said the judge pleasantly, amid much laughter. Another lawyer, who heard of this, stored it up in his mind for future use, should he ever have a similar circumstance. In the course of time he had a case in the same court, in which the property involved was live stock. After he had been talking quite awhile, he remarked with becoming dignity, as he faced the judge: "I will now address myself to the donkey." "You have been doing that for some time," was the prompt response of the judge, followed by a roar of laughter, which greatly pleased the judge until the reason for it dawned upon him. 82 WIT AND HUMOR BAD EITHER WAY. During reconstruction times a white man was arraigned before a colored justice of the. peace for killing a man and stealing his mule. It was in Arkansas, not far from the Texas border-line, but the colored justice always endeavored to preserve an impartial frame of mind. "We's got two kinds ob law in dis yer co't," he said; "Texas law and Arkansas law. Which will you hab?" The prisoner thought a moment, then said he guessed he would take the Arkansas law. "Den I discharge you fo' stealin' de mule, and hang yo' fo' killin' de man." "Hold on a minute, Judge !" said the prisoner, much agitated, "I'll take the Texas law." "All right, sah. Den I fine you fo' killin' de man, and hang you fo' stealin' de mule." SUSPICIOUS OF BUT ONE. A young attorney had been appointed to defend a negro who was too poor to employ counsel. Eager for an acquittal, the young lawyer challenged several jurors, who, he said, might have a prejudice against his client. "Are there any others?" he whispered to the negro. "No, boss; but Ah wants you ter challenge dat judge. Ah's been convicted undah him seberal times now, and Ah doan' wanter take no chances dis time." NOT AS BAD AS THEY LOOKED. "You have a pretty tough-looking lot of customers to dispose of this morning, haven't you?" remarked a friend of the judge just before the opening of the police court. "Huh!" rejoined the dispenser of justice. "You are looking at the wrong bunch. Those are the lawyers." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 83 TOOK THE SENTENCE LITERALLY. A clever young lawyer was defending a man accused of house- breaking, says a London weekly. "Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at all. He found the parlor window open, inserted his right arm and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish him for an offense committed only by one of his limbs." "That argument," said the judge, "is very well put. Following it logically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprison- ment. He can accompany it or not, just as he chooses." The prisoner calmly unscrewed his cork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out. ONE THING CALLS FOR ANOTHER. "I understand," said the judge, "that you stole the watch of the doctor who had just written a prescription for you at the free dispensary. What have you to say for yourself?" "Well, your Honor," replied the prisoner, "it is true, but I found myself in a hole. His prescription said a teaspoonful every hour, and I had no watch." NOT WHAT HE EXPECTED. "Did your father give you no parting admonition?" asked the attorney in a disputed will case. "He never gave much away at any time." "I mean, what were his last words?" "They don't particularly concern you." "They not only concern me, sir," sternly remarked the attorney, "but they concern the whole court." "Well," was the reply, "father said to have no trouble about the property if we could help it, as lawyers are the biggest thieves unhung." 84 WIT AND HUMOR ADVICE WAS FOLLOWED. The judge of a police court, wishing to assist and encourage a young lawyer of his acquaintance, spoke to him privately just before opening court one morning, and said : "See that man in charge of the officer back near the door to my office? Well, he's got in trouble of some kind. You go with him into my room, learn all about the case, and then give him the kind of advice you think he needs." Later the young attorney emerged from the room, and, after the other cases had been disposed of, the judge conferred with him, asking the result of the interview. "Following your suggestion," responded the new legal light, "I got all the facts, then advised him to lose no time getting out of your office window. It seemed perfectly agreeable to him, for he immediately took my advice." WHY THEY SMILED ALOUD. "Have you ever appeared as a witness in a suit before?" the lawyer asked the timid young woman. "Yes, sir, of course," she said, blushing. "Please state to the jury what suit it was." "It was a nun's veiling, shirred down the front, with a lovely blue hat to match, and — " "Order in the court!" cried the judge, rapping vigorously. VERY LIKELY NOT. During a trial in Philadelphia an attorney put the following question to a witness : "Was it the defendant's habit to talk to himself when alone?" The witness was in a deep study for a moment or so, and then cautiously replied : "Just at present I can't recall ever being with him when he was alone." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 85 DID THE JUDGE MEAN IT? By some unaccountable mistake thirteen men filed toward the jury-box when the case was about to be tried, and after twelve of them had taken the twelve seats, the judge said to the one remaining standing: "What is your name?" "James C. Branes," was the reply. "Mr. Bailiff," said the judge, "take this man back to the com- missioners and tell them we can not use him, as we already have twelve men without Branes." HARD TO COVER UP. One day when an old lawyer was practicing in the courts, he didn't like the ruling of the judge. A second time, when the judge ruled against him, he got up with scarlet face and quiver- ing lips, and commenced tying up his papers, as if to leave the courtroom. "Do I understand," said the judge, eyeing him closely, "that you wish to show your contempt for this court?" "No, sir," replied the attorney, "I don't want to show my con- tempt, sir; I'm trying to conceal it." WOULD BE WORTH SEEING. A man who was called upon to testify in a suit as to the number of cubic yards handled in some rock which was being removed, showed very little knowledge of the matter. In order to facilitate his understanding, the judge said: "Assume this inkstand to be three feet across the top this way, and three feet that way, and three feet in height, what would you call it?" "Well, your Honor," said the witness in a tone of deep con- viction, "I'd say it was sure some inkstand." 86 WIT AND HUMOR ONE FOR THE MULE. The fifth day drew to its close with the twelfth juryman still unconvinced. The court was impatient. "Well, gentlemen," said the court officer, entering the jury- room, "shall I, as usual, order twelve dinners?" "Make it," said the foreman, "eleven dinners and a bale of hay." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 87 COURTESY. A man has no more right to say an uncivil thing to another man than to knock him down. — Johnson. HE USED THE SOFT PEDAL. A neat compliment was paid by a French ambassador in Lon- don to a peeress, who had been talking to him for an hour. The lady said: "You must think I am very fond of the sound of my voice." "I knew you liked music," the Frenchman replied. GENEROUS FRIEND. An Irish political club in Chicago had just organized and elected a president, two directors and a secretary. Thereupon O'Flaherty got up and remarked : "We have elected our officers and directors. The thing we need most around here is a cuspidor — in fact, we ought to have two of them." A brother member promptly took the floor and said : "I think Mr. O'Flaherty's suggistion about the cuspidors is in order, and I nominate him for wan av thim." KIND INQUIRY. A few days after a farmer had sold a pig to a neighbor he chanced to pass his place, and saw the man's little boy sitting on the edge of the pig-pen watching its new occupant. "How d'ye do, Johnny?" said he. "How's your pig to-day?" "Oh, pretty well, thank you," replied the boy. "How's all your folks?" 88 WIT AND HUMOR HIS TACT SAVED HIM. Discovering that he was standing on a lady's train at a pop- ular reception, a man had the presence of mind to follow his apology by saying courteously : "Though I may not have the power to draw an angel from the sky, I see I have pinned one to the earth." The lady very graciously excused him. GRACIOUS IN RETURN. In Richmond, Va., a boyish-looking fellow offered his seat in a crowded car to an old lady who wore a blue-and-red Confeder- ate flag pinned on her breast. She said, graciously : "It is easy to see what part of the country you came from," immediately crediting the action to the South. The young man's faced glowed as he took off his hat. "Permit me to thank you," he said, bashfully, but fervently, "in the name of Vermont." UNCOMMON THESE DAYS. The man arose and gave his seat to a girl in the street-car. "Oh, thank you most kindly, sir," she said, with a smile. "Don't mind what she says," explained a sad-faced woman; "I'm taking her to a sanitarium." GLAD TO BE UP AGAIN. A young lady entered a crowded car with a pair of skates over her arm. An elderly gentleman arose to give her his seat. "Thank you very much," she said, "but I've been skating all the afternoon, and I'm tired of sitting down." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 89 COURTSHIP. He was a lover of the good old school, Who still become more ardent as they cool. — Byron. NO DOUBT TOUCHED HIS HEART. They had been engaged fifteen years, and still he had not mustered courage enough to ask her to name the wedding-day. One evening when he called he was in a meditative frame of mind, and asked her to sing something tender and touching. She responded, and with much feeling sang, as she played her own accompaniment, "Darling, I am growing old." LITTLE ENOUGH. "Ah," he sighed, "if you would only give me the least hope, I—" "Gracious !" interrupted the heartless flirt, "I've given you the least I ever gave any man." LOOKING AHEAD. Miss Hemple: "When we are married we must have no secrets from each other. You must tell me everything." Mr. Irvington : "But — er — really, I don't know everything." SECONDARY TO HIM. "Chauncey, I have something to confess. I feel guilty for not telling you before, but feared you would not like it. I am a somnambulist." "Don't worry about that for a moment," said he. "I'm a Pres- byterian, but when we are married you can attend any church you wish." 90 WIT AND HUMOR ALL IN ONE BOUQUET. She : "Oh, Fred, dear, you are so noble, so generous, so hand- some, so chivalrous, so much the superior of every man I meet, I just can't help loving you. Now, what do you see in plain little me to admire?" "Why, dear, for one thing, you surely have good judgment." ELSE HOW DID HE KNOW? Polly, to her sister's admirer: "Guess what father said about you last night." Adolph: "Oh, I couldn't guess, really." Polly: "I'll give you a peach if you can guess." Adolph, flustered: "Why, Polly, I haven't an idea in the world." Polly : "Urr ! You was listening ! !" LIGHT AND DARKNESS. Mary had a little lamp; It was well trained, no doubt, For every time her fellow called, The little lamp went out. SHOWING HIM HOW. "What a fine-looking dog, Miss Alice !" exclaimed her bashful admirer. "Is he affectionate?" "Yes, indeed. Here, Bruno! Come, good doggie, and show Charlie how to kiss me." TRUTHFUL YOUNG MAN. "What is your reason for wishing to marry my daughter?" the father of the girl inquired when the young man came to ask his consent. "I have no reason, sir," said the prospective son-in-law ; "I am in love with her," FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 91^ DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE HIM. Jeruda: "Aftah we's married we'll hab chicken fo' dinnah ebery day, deary." Matilda : "Oh, you honey ! But I wouldn't ask you to run no sech risks jes' fo' my sake." JUDGED BY OTHER CASES. May: "You seem to like Fred's attentions. Why don't you marry him?" "For that very reason," replied Pearl. "I don't understand," said May, perplexed. "Why, because I like his attentions, of course." HE NEEDED IT. "Writing to Charlie, I suppose?" "Yes, poor fellow." "Why, I thought he was engaged." "He was, but he wrote me that his girl had thrown him over- board, so I'm dropping him a line." KNEW HIS DAUGHTER. "Does your father know that I asked you to marry me?" in- quired the young man. "Yes, I told him myself." "Did he express himself in any way?" "Oh, yes, indeed. He smiled and said, 'Brave boy!'" "JOHNNY ON THE SPOT." "Who gave the bride away?" asked Mrs. Evans of her daugh- ter, who had just returned from the wedding. "Her little brother. He stood right up in the middle of the ceremony and yelled: 'Hurrah, Blanche! You've got him at last!'" 92 WIT AND HUMOR WHEN NOT RESPONSIBLE. "I dreamed last night that I proposed to you," said a flippant young man; "I wonder what that's a sign off?" Miss Waite, desperately: "It's a sign you've got more sense asleep than when you're awake." AS MOTHER SAW IT. "What did your mother say when you confessed to her that you loved me?" "She said that I must take it from father's side of the house — that there has never been any insanity in her family." TIME TO START. "Would you like to take a nice, long walk?" she asked. "Why, I'd love to," replied the young man caller, joyously. "Well, don't let me detain you," she said, sweetly. IT CAME TO PASS. "Be mine !" he cried in a voice surcharged with anguish. "If you refuse me, I shall die." But the heartless girl refused him. That was sixty years ago. Yesterday he died. — Tit-Bits. A SINGLE HANDICAP. Father: "If it were not for one thing, that new admirer of yours might be regarded as a very intelligent young man." Daughter (hopefully) : "And what is that?" "His brain." THE EXPECTED. "Your daughter has promised to become my wife." "Well, don't come to me for sympathy. You might know something would happen to you, hanging around here five nights a week." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 93 ENTIRELY TOO AGREEABLE. They had been engaged only a few weeks, but a little coolness had arisen between them. "There is nothing that makes me so angry," she cried, with tears of rage in her blue eyes, "as to have any one contradict me. I just simply hate to be contradicted by any one." "Well," he said in a conciliatory tone, "I won't do it any more." "I don't believe you love me much, anyway," she asserted. "I don't," he readily admitted. "You are a perfectly hateful thing, so you are !" "I know it." "You are trying to tease me, aren't you?" "Yes." She was silent a short time, then said: "Well, I certainly do despise a man who is weak enough to let a woman dictate to him. A man ought to have a mind of his own." — Harper's Magazine. GOT A TREASURE. "Why are you so silent?" he asked; "you haven't said scarcely a word for ten minutes." "I didn't have anything to say," she replied. With a hopeful gleam in his eye he quickly asked : "Don't you ever say anything when you have nothing to say?" "Why, no, of course not," she answered. "Then, will you be my wife?" HE WASN'T FOR SALE. "So many men marry for money," she said. "You wouldn't marry me for money, would you, Harry?" "No," said Harry, who had never proposed ; "I wouldn't marry you for all the money in the world." And he was amazed when she cried out: "Oh, you horrid, horrid wretch !" 94 WIT AND HUMOR JUST TO PLEASE ARTHUR. She sailed into the telegraph office and rapped on the counter, says the Youth' c Companion. As the clerk came forward he re- membered she had been there about ten minutes before. He wondered what she wanted this time. "Oh," she said, "let me have that telegram, will you, please? I forgot something. I want to underscore 'perfectly lovely' in acknowledging receipt of that bracelet. Will it cost anything extra ?" "No, ma'am ; all for the same price." As she drew two heavy lines beneath each of the words she said, sweetly: "It's awfully good of you to let me do that. It will please Arthur ever so much." THE BAIT THAT CAUGHT. He jsed to dance with Annie, She waltzed with fairy grace; He used to drive with Fannie, She'd such a pretty face ; He used to call on Clara, She always praised his book ; But he finally married Mary, For she knew how to cook. — Pittsburgh Press. HER GOOD PLAY. He, as the team goes by: "Look! There goes Ruggles, the half-back. He'll soon be our best man." She, grabbing his arm : "Oh, Jack ! This is so sudden !" HAD BEEN PUT TO THE TEST. "So you want to marry my daughter, eh? Do you consider yourself able to support her?" "Well, after a fellow has bought candy and flowers for a girl for a year, and has taken her to the theater twice a week, and is still not broke, I guess he can afford to get married." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 95 POOR PROSPECTS. A Boston lady had been expecting her cook to be married for some time, as the man she apparently loved was a steady caller. Finally, moved by curiosity, she inquired : "When are you to be married, Nora?" "Indade, it looks like as never, mum," was the sad reply. "Really? What's the trouble?" "Tis this, mum: I won't marry Mike when he's drunk, and he won't marry me when he's sober." HAD BEEN EXPECTING IT. One evening the young minister, who had seemed rather at- tracted by Grace, the oldest daughter, was dining with the family. Mamie, the little sister, was talking rapidly when the visitor was about to ask the blessing. Turning to the child, he said in a pleasant tone: "Mamie, I am going to ask grace." "Well, it's about time," promptly answered the little girl; "we've been expecting it nearly a year, and she has too." CAUSE OF THE DELAY. The newspaper humorist went courting. He stayed so late that the man of the house called down to his daughter: "Phyllis, has the morning paper come yet?" "No, sir," answered the funny man ; "we are holding the form for an important decision." And the father, completely squelched, went back to bed. DANGER TO THE LAST. Eunice: "I'm to be married next week, and I'm terribly nervous." Harriet: "I suppose there is a chance of the man getting away up to the last minute." 7 96 WIT AND HUMOR ONE AS BAD AS THE OTHER. Irate Father: "No, you can't have her. I won't tolerate a son-in-law with no more brains than to want to marry a girl with no more sense than my daughter has manifested in allowing you to think you could get her." ALWAYS SOMETHING TO LEARN. "Ah, my dear," said the backward young man to his sweetheart as they stopped in front of the bear's cage at the zoo, "many use- ful lessons we may learn from animals." "Yes, indeed; especially the bear," she replied. "What lesson can we learn from the bear?" he asked, wonder- ingly. "Oh, he's so fond of hugging, you know." A CLASH OF WITS. He: "I love you." She: "But I haven't a cent in the world." He: "Excuse me, you didn't allow me to finish. I love you not." She: "So! I only wanted to try you. I have a fortune of $50,000." He: "Yes, but you interrupted me again. I love you not for your money's sake." She: "Well, I'm so glad, for that was only a joke about the $50,000."— Bo st on Transcript. OUGHT TO PLEASE HER. She : "Before I give you my answer I must know about you. Have you a high ambition? Are you aiming at anything worth while?" He (smiling); "You seem to have a very poor opinion ol yourself." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 97 POOR MOTIVE POWER. "Your dad is an old crank," said the youth who had been told oy his sweetheart's father that eleven o'clock was time to go. Dad overheard the remark, and retorted: "A crank is necessary in case of no self-starter." FOR SAKE OF BREVITY. Flo was fond of Ebenezer — Eb, for short, she called her beau. Talk of "tide of love;" great Caesar! You should see 'em Eb and Flo. — Cornell Widow. After some trme came a daughter; Name: Hemina — and she saw And wed a man whose name was Hawley; You should see 'em Hem and Haw. — Milwaukee Sentinel. BROUGHT HIM TO TIME. "I know what's passing in your mind" said the maiden of astute methods. "I know, too, why you are calling here night after night, appropriating my time to yourself, and keeping other nice young men away. You want to marry me, don't you?" "I — I do!" gasped the astonished young man. "I thought so. Very well, I will." JUST SUITED THEM. Near one of the well-known Massachusetts cities is a big, park-like estate owned by a man who has posted all sorts of warn- ing signs on his place. One evening he encountered a couple of lovers taking a walk on his property. "Can't you read that sign there?" he demanded, with a growl. "Yes," said the young man, "it says, 'Private,' and that's just why we came in here." 98 WIT AND HUMOR DIPLOMACY. Any one who is as wise as a serpent can afford to be as harmless as a dove. — Josh Billings. HIS BRIGHT IDEA. Young Chelsea started off jubilantly to his first party, after promising his mother that he would decline, if offered, anything to eat the second time. When refreshments were served, his hostess, observing how eagerly he disposed of his ice-cream, said : "Won't you have some more, Chelsea?" The boy looked up wistfully, replying: "I promised mamma I wouldn't accept the second time; but if you ask me the third time I guess it would be all right." GETTING LOCATED. "You say you are from London ? That makes you a London- ite, don't it? By the way, have you another of those cigars?" "Certainly ! By the way myself, you say you are from Paris ?" BILL ABOUT DUE. A conceited sort of man was dining with some friends, and when the bill was presented he said to the landlady: "Madam, I am going to give you a lesson in astronomy. In twenty-five million years all things must return to their original condition. We shall all be here again eating a dinner precisely identical. Will you give us credit until we come back?" "Well," she replied, with an air of thoughtfulness, "you were here twenty-five million years ago, and you left without paying your bill then. Settle that account, and I will trust you for what you had to-day." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 99 WOULD AFFORD RELIEF. "Can I be of any assistance?" asked the passing motorist of an irritated man who was trying to change a tire while his wife stood by and gave numerous suggestions. "Yes," replied the man aside, hopefully, "my wife is an en- thusiastic suffragist. Just talk to her about the cause until I get this tire on and ready to start." HANDY TREATMENT. "Dear, oh, dear !" said the girl, "I've bruised my lip. Mother used- always to kiss a hurt place to make it well." "And did that make it well?" inquired the young man. "I don't remember particularly, but those old-fashioned rem- edies are often very good." He was a very generous-hearted fellow, immediately applying the remedy, without cost. PUT HER TO THE TEST. Two little girls were seated before a plate containing two bunches of grapes — one a large, perfect bunch, the other small and somewhat green. After an oppressive silence Vida said to the other: "Is 'oo gweedy?" "No," Carrie assured her, "I'se not one bit gweedy." "Then," said Vida, much relieved, " 'oo choose." DIDN'T FLUSTER HER. The mother was at the boiling-point. It was evident something had happened, for she approached her daughter, saying, sternly: "They tell me Ralph actually kissed you at the depot when he went away. And what did you do, then?" "I only acted sensibly, mother," replied the girl, calmly. "So as to make everybody think he was a relative, and to prevent talk, I kissed him too." rOO WIT AND HUMOR OUT OF THE WAY. "When Tom got home from his education," said Farmer Wil- litts, "he began right away instructin' me about agriculture. So I didn't lose no time to try him out." "What did you do?" "Sent him out to round up a swarm of bees." "Was the experiment successful?" "Partly. It didn't hurt the bees none, and it kept Tom from gettin' in the way for nigh on to two weeks." NOTHING TO TAKE BACK. "Sir," said a woman angrily as she stepped up to Mr. Leach, "I understand you said I had a face that would stop a street-car in the middle of the block." For an instant the man felt he had been cornered, and red- dened suspiciously, but quickly regained himself and said : "Par- don my embarrassment, madam, but, now that you've asked me, I must tell the truth. It takes an unusually handsome face to induce a motorman to make a stop where he doesn't have to." DIDN'T TAKE LONG. _ One of the guests at an undergraduates' party sang a song very much out of tune. Then a minister was called upon. "I'm out of voice," said he. "Well, if you can't sing, you must make a speech or tell a story." "If I must tell a story," said he, with a twinkle of the eye, "I should say I would like to hear our friend sing that song again !" THOUGHTFUL BOB. "Why is it, Bob," asked George of a very stout friend, "that you fat fellows are always good-natured?" "We have to be. You see, we can't either fight or run." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 101 HAD A WORKABLE SYSTEM. Neighbor: "I suppose you don't allow war talk among your boarders ?" Mistress: "Oh, yes. You see, our biggest eater gets so in- terested that he forgets to eat, and our next biggest eater gets so mad that he leaves the table before the meal is half over." AFTER THE ENGAGEMENT. She : "The diamond in this ring is awfully small." He: "I told the jeweler it was for the smallest hand in Boston." Then she looked at him with mingled love and perplexity. AN EVEN MATCH. "Here comes Walker. He's got a new baby, and he'll simply talk us to death." "Well, here comes a neighbor of mine who has a new setter dog. We'll introduce them and leave them to their fate." MET THE EMERGENCY. Peddler: "I'm selling a most valuable book, madam. It tells how to do nearly everything." Lady (sarcastically) : "Does it tell how to get rid of a pester- ing peddler?" "Oh, yes, certainly. Buy something from him." CRUEL COMPLIMENT. "Why don't you buy something at my table?" inquired the girl at the bazaar. "Because I only buy from the homely girls," said the man. "They have a harder time making sales." The girl smiled ; and he went on, working the same excuse all down the line. J02 WIT AND HUMOR YOUNG WIFE WAS WISE. Entering a butcher-shop on the eve of a large house-party to be given at her home, a young matron saw displayed a dozen chickens. "Please pick out six chickens that are tough," she said ; "I have a special reason for requesting it." Instead of half a dozen, the butcher laid seven aside. "Are these all?" she asked. "Yes, lady, these are all tough ones," he replied. "Then please send the other five to my house right away." METHOD IN HER PLANS. Mrs. Deppen: "I'm inviting the Selles to meet the Harrisons here at dinner, and the Harrisons to meet the Selles. We owe them both, you know." Mr. Deppen: "But I heard, just yesterday, that they've quar- reled, and don't speak." Mrs. Deppen: "That's true. They'll refuse all around, of course, and we won't have to give a dinner at all." CANDIDATE FOR WALL STREET. Perry stood beside his mother as she made her selection from the gardener's wagon, and the man told the boy to take a hand- ful of cherries, but he shook his head. "What's the matter? Don't you like them?" inquired the man. , "Yes, sir." "Then go ahead and take some." Perry hesitated, whereupon the man put a generous handful in the boy's cap. After the gardener drove on the mother asked: "Why didn't you take the cherries when he told you to?" With a knowing smile the boy answered: "Because his hand was bigger'n mine." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS [03 BREAKING THE NEWS. O'Brien: "So Crane was killed intirely by the explosion? And who broke the news to his widdy?" Downing: "Big Jim Cassidy." "Did he do it gintly, and by degrays?" "Trooth he did that. He began by askin' her if she would consider a proposal av marriage by him." VERY NEAR THE BRINK. Hearing nothing below, the husband called down to his wife : "Has that old gossip gone yet?" The woman was still there. Mrs. Horn, however, was equal to the emergency. "Yes, dear," she answered; "she left nearly half an hour ago. Mrs. Corbin is here now." GENTLE HINT. It was her first voyage, and she had made herself disliked by the officers because of her many foolish questions. It fell to the lot of the steward to silence her. "Doesn't this ship tip a good deal, sir?" she asked that official. "Perhaps it does, madam; it is no doubt trying to set a good example to the passengers." GAVE A SAFE ANSWER. After recess the teacher asked if any of the scholars had lost a penny. "Please, sir, I did," called out one of the boys. "Ah, Gustave, where did you lose it?" kindly inquired the master. "Please, sir, it must have been where you found it." KM WIT AND HUM OR KNEW HE WAS SAFE. Mrs. Hueling owned a pet dog of a vicious temper. It had gone so far as to bite her husband on several occasions. One day, much to the wife's sorrow, the dog disappeared. Her hus- band promptly offered $100 for its return. His friends were as- tonished, and one of them said to him : "I thought you hated that dog?" "I do," he readily admitted. "Then, why do you offer such a large reward?" "To please my wife." "But you're foolish. Such a reward will be sure to bring it back." "Not much !" exclaimed the man, with a chuckle. "You see, I happen to know that the dog is dead." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 105 DISAPPOINTMENT. If we cry, like children, for the moon, like children we must cry on.— ' Edmund Burke. COULD NOT BE PENETRATED. A Swede named Nelson, who had been pounded up by a bully, was on the witness-stand. "What position were you in when he struck you?" asked the prosecuting attorney. "Ay ain't got no position. Ay bane out o' work some time." "No, no ! Where were you when he hit you ?" The court waited patiently, several minutes it seemed, while Nelson was getting his thoughts together. Looking at the at- torney, he said slowly : "Well, - \y was on my back." ADDING INSULT TO REFUSAL. "Well, did he pay you?" inquired the wife of a dentist, who had gone to collect a bill for a full set of teeth he had made for a man nearly a year before. "Pay me!" growled the dentist. "Not only did he refuse to pay me, but he actually had the effrontery to gnash at me — with my teeth !" POOR SYMPATHY. An old Scotchwoman had gone a long way to see a sick friend. "An' hoo are ye the day, Mrs. Crawford ?" she asked in almost breathless anxiety. "Oh, I'm quite weel the noo, thank ye, Mrs. Callum." "Quite weel," exclaimed the other, "an' after me haein' come sae far to see ye !" J06 WIT AND HUMOR APPRECIATION SIDETRACKED. "One night," said the young actor, "I played the part of Ham- let, and a lot of people in the audience shouted out, 'Fine ! Fine l' I—" "No doubt," smilingly interrupted a listener, "it made you feel pretty good." "Yes," was the reply, with a reminiscent smile, "until a heavy voice vociferously added: 'Make it fine and imprisonment!'" THE SALARY TOO SMALL. The cashier of a bank tells this incident: "The teacher of a little rural school came in with an order for a month's salary. I handed her the amount in paper money, and apologized for giving her the soiled bills, remarking that I had forgotten, for the instant, that teachers were afraid of germs." "No cause for worry in this case," said she somewhat despond- ently; "no germs could live on my salary." BOY TOO MUCH FOR HIM. A traveling-man thought he would have some fun at the ex- pense of a country boy he saw hoeing corn by the roadside, so began: "You won't get much corn from that field, will you?" "We don't expect much; planted it on shares," said the boy, as he leaned on the hoe-handle. "But it looks small and yellow." "We planted the small, yaller kind." The traveling-man was getting desperate and blurted out: • "There isn't much difference between you and a fool, is there?" "Just the fence," the boy calmly replied as he resumed his work. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS [07 JUST FOR PRACTICE. Merchant to Traveling Salesman : "No, nothing to-day. We're overstocked already." "Very well; but won't you just look at my samples?" "Not a bit of use. Too busy, anyway." "Well, then, see here !" said the traveling-man, "do you mind if I take the blessed things out and look at them myself? Ac- tually, I haven't seen them for three weeks." PAT'S VIEW OF IT. The car was crowded, and Pat was obliged to steady himself against the door. "Move up!" shouted the conductor at every street, as more passengers were taken on. Pat moved up a step each time, but at last got mad and yelled back at the conductor : "Bedad, I paid to ride; and do yez expect me to walk all the way home?" FAR OVER THE SEA. "You ought to be contented and not fret for your old home," said the mistress, as she looked into the dim eyes of her young Swedish maid. "You are earning good wages, your work is light, every one is kind to you, and you have plenty of friends here." "Yas'm," said the girl, sadly, "but it isn't the place where I do be that makes me so homesick ; it's the place where I don't be." — Youth's Companion. AN AWFUL COME-DOWN. One of the stories that President Wilson liked to tell, accord- ing to the New York Tribune, was of a small boy in a crowd at Staunton, Va., where the President was addressing a throng from the steps of the Baldwin Seminary for Girls. The boy had shoved and pushed his way to the front, until he stood J08 WIT AND HUMOR squarely before the distinguished speaker, and shouted out: "Where is it? Where is it?" Mr. Wilson stopped his speech and said, good-naturedly: "Well, my boy, I guess I'm it." "Pshaw!" responded the youngster, with a look of utter dis- gust ; "I thought it was a dog-fight !" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 109 DOMESTIC. It is a sad house where the hen crows louder than the cock. — Italian Proverb. LEFT-HANDED PRAISE. Husband: "You have a wonderful voice." Wife: "Do you really think so?" "Yes, indeed. If not, it would have been worn out long ago." HASTY JUDGMENT. "You are just as mean as you can be," she said to him during their first lovers' quarrel, but after they were married she was sure she had been mistaken. GLEEFUL ANTICIPATION. Abbott: "A fool and his money are soon parted." Mrs. Abbott (joyfully) : "Oh, John ! You are so good ! How much are you going to give me?" HER IDEA OF BLISS. "I suppose your daughter is happily married?" "Indeed she is. Why, her husband is actually afraid to open his mouth in her presence." ALL IN POLITICS. "My daughter is the initiative and my wife is the referendum," said the supposed head of the house." Visitor: "And where do you come in?" "Oh, I'm the recall. They recall my existence whenever the bills come in." 110 WIT AND HUMOR BOUND TO ROAST HIM. Sometimes Weatherby and his wife enjoyed the evening to- gether without a ripple. Other times they would spat a little. She had been cross on one occasion, and he was inclined to be peaceable that evening, so, after reading a short time, he re- marked, pleasantly: "I see they have more proof that we all sprang from monkeys." "Well," said she, crustily, "don't you worry, John Henry Weatherby ! You didn't spring very far." BOY WAS OBSERVING. Mrs. Jenkins : "Do you know, husband, that you talk in your sleep?" Ten-year-old Son (who has just been silenced) : "What other chance does he get, I'd like to know?" HAD THE DATE FIXED. "The war began the very day we were married," remarked Korning. "You have nothing on other married men there," commented a meek-looking man in the corner. BOTH AGAINST HUBBY. "Some dogs have almost human intelligence," said the philosopher. "I agree with you," responded Hamer. "I often think our pet dog tries to curry favor with my wife by growling at me." JUST ORDINARY WEAPONS. Judge : "Describe what passed between you in the quarrel with your wife." Witness: "The plates and cups were regular dinner size, your Honor." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS m HIS CRUEL STRATEGY. Wife : "I want to see that letter this minute !" Husband (apparently becoming nervous) : "What letter?" Wife: "That one you just opened. I know that's the hand- writing of some woman, and you turned pale when you read it. Hand it to me right away!" With inward glee, but outward calm, he did so. It was the bill from her dressmaker. WHAT SQUELCHED HIM. "It takes a woman to do fool things," said the husband with an air of importance. "It certainly does," agreed his wife ; "but I never saw one buy a bottle of hair-restorer from a bald-headed barber." FORETELLING A STORM. "I can read my wife like a book." "Quite wonderful. Tell me about it." "It's this way. Whenever she's cold toward me I know she is going to make it hot for me." TRUE IN MANY CASES. "Pa, a man's wife is his better half, isn't she?" "We are told so, my son." "Then, if a man marries twice there isn't' apt to be much of anything left of him, is there?" HIS TURN TO RULE. He was fond of quotations, and said to his wife one evening: "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. Don't forget it, dear." "Then, you step over here and rule the world awhile. I'm tired," said she. 8 U2 WIT AND HUMOR HUSBAND KNEW HER WAYS. Judge: "When your wife seized the weapon you ran out of the house, you say?" Plaintiff: "Yes, sir; that's what I did." Judge : "But she might not have used it." Plaintiff : "True, your Honor. Perhaps she just picked up the flatiron to smooth things over a bit." DISCORDANT NOTE. "I hear you ca-a-lling me," warbled the daughter from the parlor. "Yes," sang the mother from the kitchen, "I want you to come here and help me with the di-i-ss-shes !" Profound silence followed. DELUSIONS FOR ALL. Anderson : "I wonder if Dr. Cook really thought he discovered the North Pole?" Nelson: "Possibly. We all make mistakes. Why, when I was first married I thought sure I had discovered Paradise." IT WAS CHEAPER SINGLE. "Before we were married," complained the wife, "you used to send around a dozen roses every week." "That was dead easy. This week I am sending around a rib roast and two tons of coal." NOT TO BE DISTURBED. "What's all that racket in the hall?" called the professor from his study. "One of the children fell downstairs," his wife answered. "Well, tell them if they can't be quiet about it, they've got to stop it." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS H3 NO CHANCE TO TELL. Meeting a negro of his acquaintance, a Southern gentleman asked how he was getting along. With a troubled air the negro replied : "Well, so far's physicality goes, I'se all right, but I sure do hab troubles wif my wife. All de time she, keeps pesterin' me fer money, money, money. If it ain't a dollah, it's a half or a quatah she wants." "What on earth does she do with so much money?" "Oh, Ah ain't done gone gib her none yet," said the negro, as he shuffled on his way. THE DIFFERENCE. My wife is like a honey-bee — But while it gathers honey, She cajoles me with honey words, And stings me for my money. — Judge. WELL ACQUAINTED. Two men from Ireland had met and were talking over old times. "And so your name is Riley ?" said one. "Are yez any relation to Tim Riley?" "A distant relation," was the reply. "Oi wuz me mither's first child, and Tim was the fourteenth." HAD TO GIVE IT UP. Two men were lunching together at a club, when one of them asked : "Why on earth do you let your wife go around saying she made a man of you ? My wife never says anything like that about me." "No; but I've heard her say she tried her hardest, but that it was no use." 114 WIT AND HUMOR SHREWD YOUNG WIFE. They had been married but a few days when the young wife said proudly to her husband : "I'm going to start right in taking an interest in everything, so as to be a real help to you, dear. Now, just to-day I arranged to get our ice from a new man." "Why, what's wrong with the other one?" the husband in- quired, curiously. "Well, it's this way. The new dealer says he will give us colder ice for just the same money." GRATEFUL FOR REFUSAL. "Will you let me off this afternoon?" said a clerk in a dry- goods store. "My wife wants me to beat some carpets." "Couldn't possibly do it," said the boss. "Thank you, sir; thank you a thousand times," said the clerk as he joyfully returned to his work. WANTED ONLY PRAISE. "George," said the wife to her husband, whom she thought unappreciative much of the time, "how do you like my new hat?" "Well, dear," he began, candidly, "to tell you the truth — " "Stop right there, George! If you're going to talk that way about it, I don't want to hear a word from you !" HIS FIRST THOUGHT. An elderly German and his wife were much given to disput- ing. One day, after an especially unpleasant squabble, the woman remarked, with a sigh : "Veil, I vish I vas in heafen." "Und I vish I vas in a beer garden!" retorted her husband. "Ach !" cried the wife ; "always you try to pick out de best for yourself !" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS MS EVERYTHING WRONG. "One of my daughters has tonsilitis," said Cooper, with an air of self-pity, "and the other has sprained her wrist." "Certainly hard luck," commiserated his friend. "Yes," continued the growler, "nothing works out right. The one who sprained her wrist sings, and the one with the sore throat plays the piano." WANTED ONE AT HOME. A man took his wife to a doctor, who put a thermometer in her mouth and told her to keep it shut for two or three minutes. When departing, the husband said to the physician, aside: "Doctor, what'll you take for that thing? I've never seen my wife keep her mouth shut that long before since we were married." FOUND A QUICK REMEDY. "Does your wife ever grieve because she threw over a wealthy man to marry you ?" queried Houger. "Well, she started it once," was the reply, "but I cured her of it mighty quick. I started right in grieving with her, and I grieved harder and longer than she did." KNEW HOW TO PLEASE HER. Husband: "I don't see how Mrs. Howenstein can appear so well satisfied with her husband. He never kisses her, or seems to show any mark of affection." Wife: "Maybe not, but he gives her spending-money without ever asking her what under the sun she is going to do with it all." VERY UNKIND WISH. Husband, at breakfast: "I've a very bad head this morning." Wife : "I'm sorry, dear. I do hope you'll be able to shake it off before long." 116 WIT AND HUMOR ALL RIGHT, WHEN EXPLAINED. A hardware merchant took a traveling salesman home to din- ner with him, and after the meal, while they were seated in the parlor for a little chat, the stranger remarked, appreciatingly : "That was a splendid dinner, and everything so nice about it all." "Yes, it's that way all the time here." "Well, how do you manage it? We have an awful time get- ting a good cook at our house." "I'll give you a little secret," said the merchant. "I frequently kiss the cook, and sometimes hold her on my knee. That keeps her in good humor, you see." "Why, man! You don't mean it?" "Certainly. Why not? My wife's the cook." KEPT HIM ON THE GO. "Your husband," said the caller, sympathizingly, "was a man of excellent qualities." "Yes," sighed the widow, "he was a good man. Everybody says so. I wasn't much acquainted with him myself. You see, he belonged to six or seven lodges, and two or three clubs." ENTITLED TO NEW ONES. Baggot had noticed that his wife no longer called her gloves kids, but goats, and, when he could control his curiosity not another day, he asked her: "What new-fangled idea have you women got now, I'd like to know?" With a smile, the very sweetness of which completely disarmed him, she replied: "Mine are getting so old I'm ashamed to call them kids any more." He took the hint. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS H7 WANTED— A WIFE. Mrs. Fred Spreen, in Grit, says James O. Baldwin, husky lad, wants to marry very bad. He is fifty, six-feet, strong; lived at Caldwell, Jersey, long. Couldn't find a wife at home, so he sings this little po'm : "Wanted — Wife to clean and scrub, mend my socks and cook the grub. Must be handsome, bright and gay, thirty-two if she's a day. Widow woman not deterred — one kid, maybe, none pre- ferred. She must have some cash to spend ; an intellect with learned trend. She must be a music lover; fond of me, and nary other. That is what my wife must be — lum-te-dum-te-deedle-dee." RED TAPE WORKS SLOW. "My dear," said Mr. Coburn to his wife, "I saw in the papers to-day a decision of a court that a wife may, in some cases, be the head of the family." "Henry," she replied positively, "the courts are sometimes slow in finding out what all intelligent people ought to know." SHE KNEW HER POWER. "My husband," remarked a Pittsburgh woman to a group of friends, "was a confirmed smoker of tobacco when I married him a year ago, but to-day he never touches it." "Good!" exclaimed one. "To break off a lifetime habit re- quires a strong will." "Well, that's what I've got," said the wife, confidently. THE WIFE'S RETORT. "Think what a woman's curiosity will do," said he, solemnly. "Lot's wife looked around, and she turned into a pillar of salt." "But how about yourself?" asked the wife. "When I was downtown the other day I saw you look around, and you turned into a saloon." 118 WIT AND HUMOR HARDEST KIND OF WORK. In a home missionary movement every participant was to con- tribute a dollar that she had earned herself. The night for the collection of the dollars came, and various and droll were the stories told. The chairman turned to a handsome woman near the front, and said: "Now, madam, it is your turn. How did you earn your dollar?" "I got it from my husband." "Oh! From your husband? There was no hard work about that." With a toss of the head she smiled faintly as she replied: "You don't know him." A PLAN FOR FORESTATION. "When husband and I made up after our first quarrel," said Mrs. Wharton at a meeting of the sewing circle, "he planted a tree in remembrance of it." One of the ladies suggested that it would be a good idea for husbands and wives to follow all their quarrels by such an act, whereupon Mrs. McDonough raised her hands in protest, as she said: "No, no ! It would never do. Why, we'd be starting a regular forest around our house." THROUGH WITH THEM. The maid of all work, in a family where there were frequent quarrels, said she was going to quit, much to the distress of the lady of the house, who asked, regretfully: "Why, what's the matter, Sarah? Haven't we always treated you like one of the family?" "Yes, mum," said Sarah, with determination, "and Oi've shtood it as long as Oi'm goin' to !" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 1J9 MISSED KIS GUESS. A man was telling that he came from a very large family, when some one asked: "How many are there of you?" "Ten of us boys," he said, "and each of us has a sister." , "Goodness gracious!" exclaimed the other. "So, then, there are twenty of you?" "No," said the boastful man, "only eleven." NOT IN IT NOW. A man had been brought into court in Cleveland on the charge of non-support of his wife. "Let me see," said the judge, "aren't you the man who was married in a cage of tigers and leopards?" "Yes, your Honor." "Pretty exciting, wasn't it?" "Well, your Honor, it seemed so then. It wouldn't now." HER CLASSIFICATION. Mrs. Nebeker, dissatisfied with the number of times one cer- tain man came to see her cook, spoke to her about it. "When I engaged you," she began, "you told me you had no men friends. Now I frequently find the same man here in the kitchen with you." "Bress yo' hea't, lady," smiled Dinah, "dat niggah ain't no friend ob mine. Dat's mah husband !" THE RING TOLD THE TALE. Mrs. Hampton came running into her husband's office one mor.iing, gasping for breath as she cried out : "James, I can't find my diamond ring anywhere." "It's all right, Bess," he replied, calmly; "I came across it in my trousers pocket." 120 WIT AND HUMOR WOMAN'S WONDERFUL INTUITION. "My dear," remarked Sniggins, who had just finished reading a book on "The Wonders of Nature," "this really is a remarkable work. Nature is indeed marvelous. When I read a work like this it makes me think how puerile, how insignificant is man." "Huh !" sniffed his better half, "a woman doesn't have to wade through a book to find that out!" JOHN WAS PRACTICAL. "What shall we do, husband, to celebrate our silver wedding?" "Reckon up where all the silver's gone to in bringing up our family," grumbled the supposed head of the house. "Oh, no, John ; it must be something out of the ordinary. Let's kill our fattest pig and give a banquet." "Martha," said the husband, solemnly, "I don't see how that brute is to blame for what we did twenty-five years ago." COMING AND GOING. "Do you keep any servants?" "Why, of course not." "But I thought I saw one in your kitchen." "Oh, we have servants on the premises a day or two at a time, but we don't keep them." HAD BEEN CAUGHT BY IT. "Do you believe that there is really something that can tell when a man is lying?" "I am absolutely sure of it." "Ah! perhaps you have seen one of the instruments." "Yes: I married one." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 121 ECONOMY. Nature is a rag-merchant, who works up every shred, part and end into new creations. — Emerson. ONE RESPONSE. "And," continued the lecturer, "I warrant that there is not a man in this entire audience who has ever attempted to stop this awful waste of our forest and lumber supply. If there is, I want that man to stand up and tell us about it." There was a slight commotion in the rear of the room, and a nervous little man arose, saying: "I have often used the same toothpick twice." A SAVING COOK. "Martha," inquired the lady of the house, "did you wash this fish carefully before baking it?" "Lawsy, no, ma'am," was the surprised reply; "what's de use ob washin' er fish dat's lived all his whol' life in de watah?" NOT EXTRAVAGANT. "I've been using the same car steadily for six years, and it hasn't cost me a cent for repairs yet." "That is certainly a great record. What car is it?" "The street-car." WHY WASTE IT? Mistress: "Sarah, have you given the fish any fresh water recently?" "No, mum. They haven't drank the water I gave them last month yet." 122 WIT AND HUMOR NOT NECESSARY. Tourist : "You have a fine lot of corn under cultivation. Don't the crows bother you a great deal?" Farmer: "Oh, not much." "That's strange, considering you have no scarecrows." "Well, you see, I'm out here a good part of the time myself." ALL OVER. Oh, the cat and the canary, He forgot to feed the twain. Downtown he got anxious, very, And went rushing home again. Yes, he reached home in a hurry ; All was silent in the flat. Seems he might have saved his worry — The canary fed the cat. — Louisville Courier- Journal. A LOWER BID. "You'll excuse me, Captain," said O'Hagerty, addressing the commander of the battleship, "but is it thrue that it costs seven hundred dollars to fire one av thim guns?" "Yes, that's correct. Why do you ask?" "Oi thought, sor, Oi might save ye some money. Shure, and Oi'll fire thim for twenty." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 123 EXCUSES. He who holds the ladder is as bad as the thief. — German Proverb. IMPRESSED ON HIS MIND. A tramp knocked at the back door and asked the housewife for a bite to eat. "You don't look like a man who should starve," she declared, after a critical survey ; "why don't you go to work ?" "I would, lady, only everybody I go to wants a letter of refer- ence from my last employer." "Well, can't you get one?" "No, ma'am," the tramp answered, as he backed away; "he has been dead about twelve years — and I remember it as well as if it was but yesterday." THE EASY AND HARD. She could swing a six-pound dumb-bell, She could fence and she could box ; She could row upon the river, She could clamber 'mong the rocks ; She could golf from morn till evening, And play tennis all day long; But she couldn't help her mother, 'Cause she wasn't very strong! — London Opinion, EXCUSE WAS SATISFACTORY. In excusing her tardiness in answering a letter, Mrs. Wiggins wrote : "I would have written sooner, but I have been sick with a dog- bite in the arm. The man that owns the sawmill's dog bit me in the road," ]24 WIT AND HUMOR TRUTH PROTRUDED. Hostess : "I did want you to sing, Mr. Hessey, but it is such a pleasant party I hate to break into their enjoyment." AS THE BOY SAW IT. Each member of the class in drawing was told to make a pic- ture of a horse and wagon. The teacher, observing that one of the boys had stopped with a picture of the horse only, asked: "Harry, why don't you draw the wagon?" "I'm going to let the horse do that," he carelessly replied. AN EXPERT DODGER. A tailor called to collect a bill from a slow-pay customer and was asked if he owed anybody anything. He said he did not. "Then you can well afford to wait," retorted the man. Later the tailor called again to collect the bill, and this time was asked if he was in debt to any one. "Yes, but I haven't the money to pay," was the truthful response. "That's just my case, my dear sir. I'm glad that at last you can appreciate my position. Shake '" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 125 EXPERIENCE. If you would not have affliction visit you twice, listen at once to what it teaches. — James Burgh. PLENTY OF PRACTICE. Lawyer: "The cross-examination did not seem to worry you. Have you had any previous experience?" Mrs. Brown: "Yes, sir; I have six children." SHE KNEW ENOUGH. As William looked into Geraldine's face, he resolved to try a plan he had used with several other girls, so whispered ten- derly : "Darling, if I should ask you in French if I might kiss you, what would you say?" Geraldine, hastily recalling her scanty knowledge of French, exclaimed : "Billet doux!" And he did. USEFUL IN ONE WAY. During the Civil War one of the generals had on his staff a very stupid lieutenant, who never seemed able to do anything without making some kind of a blunder. One day a friend asked the general: "Why do you keep that man on the staff? He seems to be a perfect dunce." "Why, do you know," replied the general, "he is one of the most useful members of my staff? Before I issue an order I always have that man read it. If he can tell what it means, I 126 WIT AND HUMOR am sure there can be no chance that any one else will mis- understand it." DIFFERENT VIEWPOINT. The father complained that the war was making everything higher, and added: "I see by the papers that even castor oil is going up." "I should worry!" said his young hopeful, with a joyful shrug of the shoulders. "Only time, it bothers me is when it's going down." EFFECT IN ADVERTISING. An art dealer had displayed a beautiful reproduction of the painting, "The Approaching Storm," but it attracted very little attention. However, when he placed beneath it a card bearing the words, "Suitable for a wedding present," the sidewalk in front was almost blockaded by married men and women stopping to look and Gomment in a knowing way upon the combination. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 127 EXPLANATION. One minute of keeping your mouth shut is worth an hour's explanation. — Ida Q. Moulton. AND ALL IN PLAY. Mrs. Pittson : "Mary Ann, these balusters seem always dusty. I was at Mrs. Hughson's after church, and her stair-rails are clean, and smooth as glass." Mary Ann : "Yis, mum ; but she has t'ree small boys." DIDN'T RECOGNIZE IT. Proud Father : "That is a sunset my daughter painted. She studied abroad, you may remember?" Friend: "That explains it. I never saw anything like that in this country." VERY BRIGHT YOUNG MAN. Reporter: "I've got a good piece of news for you this morn- ing. I found a person who has been confined to one room his entire life." Editor: "Good! Write it up. Who is it?" Reporter: "Why, a three-days-old baby at our house." DEPENDS ON THE BAND. A local band was playing one day at Dumferline, says the Dundee News, when an old weaver came up and asked the band- master the name of the piece. "That is the 'Death of Nelson,' " was the solemn reply. "Ay, man," remarked the weaver, "ye hae gi'en him an awfu' death." 9 128 WIT AND HUMOR WANTED TO CATCH UP. "Why do you insist upon having the largest piece of pie, Harry?" asked the mother, reprovingly; "isn't your big brother entitled to it?" "No, mamma, not the way it looks to me," replied Harry. "He was eating pie three years before I was born." WOULD TAME ANY COW. One of the big railroad lines has a regular form for reporting accidents to animals on its tracks. Recently a cow was killed, and the track foreman drew up the report. In answer to the question, "Disposition of carcass?" he wrote: "Kind and gentle." HAD HIS OWN IDEAS. A Scotchman, meeting an Irishman, asked: "I say, Pat, have you ever been in Italy?" "Sure, and I have, Sandy." "Weel, is property dear in Italy, Pat?" continued the Scotch- man. "No, Sandy, but the rents are awful — due to the airthquakes !" WHERE DID HE LEARN? Sammy (at the window) : "Oh, ma, an automobile just went by as big as a barn." Mother: "Sammy, why do you exaggerate so terribly? I've told you forty thousand times about that habit of yours, and it doesn't seem to do a bit of good." REMARKABLE REASON. Mrs. Rosseter : "What delightful manners your daughter has !" Mrs. Porter (proudly): "Yes; you see, she has been away from home so much." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS [29 THE BOY STARTED SOMETHING. The merchant had come home tired, as on orevious evenings, but, in keeping with a rule on which he prided himself, gave up some of his time to his little son, who usually had a number of questions saved up for him. On this occasion, the boy leaned against his father's knee and innocently asked: "Daddy, is to-day to-morrow?" "No, my son, of course to-day isn't to-morrow — not yet," replied the father, with a premonition of impending trouble. "But, you said it was." "When did I ever say such a thing as that?" "Yesterday, you did. You said that very thing." The father scratched his head in deep study, but finally rallied, and said: "Well, son, it was ; to-day was to-morrow yesterday, but to-day is to-day to-day, just as yesterday was to-day yesterday, but is yesterday to-day, and to-morrow will be to-day to-morrow, which makes to-day yesterday and to-morrow ail at once. Now, run along and play," and the father collapsed into his big chair with a sigh of relief. HAD HIS SAY, ANYWAY. "You ought to have seen Mr. Mallory when he called upon Dorothy the other night," remarked Frank to his sister's young man, who was taking tea with the family. "I tell you, he looked fine, sitting there alongside of her, with his arm — " "Frank!" gasped his sister, her face crimson. "Well, he did," persisted the boy; "he had his arm — " "Frank!" screamed the mother, frantically. "Why," whined the lad, "I was—" "Frank," said his father, sternly, "leave the room!" And Frank left, crying out as he went : "I was only going to say that he had his army clothes on." 130 WIT AND HUMOR NO DOUBT THE TRUTH. A pompous manufacturer of machinery was showing a stranger over his factory, and when they stopped to look at one of the machines, he said with considerable pride: "Fine piece of work." "Yes," said the visitor, "but you can't hold a candle to the goods we are turning out at our plant." "Indeed!" said the other, half hurt. "And what is your line?" "Gunpowder, sir," was the reply. CUSTOMER WAS PARTICULAR. "What's the matter with your butter lately?" inquired the grocer of the farmer's wife, who had been bringing him home- made butter. "I'm sorry to say it," he went on, "but it's short weight." "Well, if my butter is short weight, so is your tea. I buy a pound each week, and weigh the butter against it on the scales. I'm always pertikler to get it exact," was the curt reply. GOT THE START OF HIM. "How will you have your hair cut, sir?" said the talkative barber to the man in his chair. "Minus conversational prolixity," replied he. "How's that, sir?" "With abbreviated or totally eliminated narrations. Let even diminutive colloquy be conspicuous by its absence." The barber scratched his head thoughtfully, and then went over to the proprietor of the shop and whispered : "I don't know whether the man in my chair is crazy or a foreigner, but I can't find out what he wants." Then the customer explained that he wanted his hair cut in silence. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 13] JUST THE OTHER WAY. During the Sunday morning sermon a baby began to cry, and the mother carried it towards the door. The minister paused, coming down from his high-pitched tone, and said: "You needn't leave, madam. The baby is not disturbing me." The mother looked toward the pulpit just before reaching the exit, and said, distinctly: "No ; but you're a-disturbin' him." A MIXED PRODUCT. Little Sigrid was born in America, of Norwegian parents. "What is your nationality, Sigrid?" asked the teacher. The little girl tossed back her hair, as she answered proudly: "I am an American of Norwegian design." HE SAW INTO IT. Bystander : "What are you digging out that hole for ?" Pat: "Arrah! And it's not the hole I'm diggin' out; I'm diggin' the dirt out and lavin' the hole." MADE A DIFFERENCE. It was the first night of the new theater, and Jack's seat was next to a fellow about the same age as himself. "Say, mate, can you smoke in here?" he inquired. "No," briefly replied the other. A few minutes later Jack saw others smoking, and, looking about, could discover no prohibitory notices on the walls, so again spoke to the quiet young man : "I thought you said you couldn't smoke here?" "I can't," he said, humbly, with a jerk of his thumb towards the woman to his right, and whispered: "My mother won't let me." "Oh !" ]J2 WIT AND HUMOR THE RUDE OFFICER! "You say the officer arrested you while you were quietly minding your own business?" "Yes, your Honor." "You were making no noise or disturbance of any kind?" "None whatever, sir." "It seems very strange to me," said the judge; "by the way, what is your business?" "I'm a burglar, your Honor." NOT EASILY CAUGHT. Mrs. Holland entered the taxidermist's with a stuffed parrot in her hands. "Do you remember the bird you stuffed for me last Christ- mas?" she asked. "Well, the feathers are nearly all falling out." "Ah, madam," said the man, "that is a triumph of our art. We stuff our birds so well that they moult at the proper season." ALL IN SAME BOAT. "It seems strange that he could plunder a big corporation like that for years without being found out." "Well, you see, the corporation was pretty busy itself." FREQUENTLY THE CASE. "Aunt Liz had a hard time having her picture taken to-day," said her nephew, who had just opened a photographic studio, and had very courteously asked his aunt to come and pose for a new picture. "What was the trouble?" asked his brother. "Well, you see, when I told her to look pleasant, she didn't look natural, and when I told her to look natural, she didn't look pleasant." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 133 FAME. Many have lived on a pedestal who will not have a statue when dead.— Beranger. THOUGHT OF HIMSELF. An old man on his death-bed, in making his will, said to the attorney : "And to each employe who has been with me twenty years or more I bequeath ten thousand dollars." "That is certainly very generous," said the lawyer. "No, not at all. You see, none of them has been with me that long, but it will look pretty good in the papers, don't you think?" said the sick man, hopefully. NOT VERY PROMINENT. Two men from out West were in Washington, and decided to visit Congress while that body was in session. Taking a seat in the gallery, they looked down among the Representatives, in hope of seeing the Congressman from their district. "I can't distinguish him," said one, after several moments had elapsed. "No wonder," was the quick response of the other; "he can't even distinguish himself." COULD BE LEFT OUT. "How does Dorfling stand in this community?" "Old Bill Dorfling?" inquired the native, lazily, "Yes, the same fellow." "Why, he makes about as much noise in these parts as the letter 'B' does in the word debt." 134 WIT AND HUMOR WOULD NOT BE THE GOAT. "It is true," said the lady of high ideals, quite sternly, in conversing with a successful writer, "that you have gained much prosperity by your writings, but have you written anything that will live?" "Perhaps not," the author rejoined, "but when it comes to a question as to which shall live, my writings or myself, I never hesitate to sacrifice my writings." WISDOM OF A CHILD. A newly elected member of the British Parliament, proud of his position, took his little daughter with him to Westminster one day. She was apparently much awed at the splendors around her, viewing it all in silence until her father said to her : "What are you thinking so deeply about, dear?" "Well, papa," said she, in a tone of disappointment, "I was thinking that you're a pretty big man in our house, but not very much here." ONE OF THREE THINGS. In William J. Bryan's younger days, he made fifty speeches in one campaign against the Republican candidate for Governor of Nebraska, says Collier's Weekly, but the man was elected, just the same. On the following St. Patrick's Day, Bryan was booked for a speech on a varied program, and, upon his arrival at the place of the meeting, was surprised to find that the newly elected Governor was to preside. When the time came to intro- duce Mr. Bryan (whom he had never met), he arose and said with his usual courtesy: "The next person on the program is W. J. Bryan," and as the latter stepped forward he grasped his hand and whispered: "Quick! Do you speak, sing or dance?" "He had never even heard of me," said Mr. Bryan, later, in telling of the embarrassing incident. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 135 FATE. We may not expect a good whelp from a poor dog. — Cicero. FOLLOWING ORDERS. A man arrested on a charge of murder felt that the evidence would be strong against him, so began planning to secure a ver- dict on a minor count. He managed to get one hundred dollars to his friend Dougherty, chosen to serve on the jury, with instructions to work for a verdict of manslaughter. Dougherty succeeded in obtaining such a verdict, and after the trial the defendant rushed up to him, anxiously inquiring : "Did you have a hard time getting the verdict?" "I shore did, sor — an arful har-rd time. The other eliven wanted to acquit yez." THE WIDOW'S SUGGESTION. "Oh !" fervently exclaimed the suffragette, "if the Lord had only made me a man !" "Perhaps He did, dear," said the widow, consolingly, "but you haven't just happened to find him yet." INSULT WORSE THAN THE DEBT. Tailor: "I thought I'd met some cheeky people, but — " Shoemaker: "What's up now?" Tailor: "Why, these trousers; this is the fourth time I have pressed them, and they're not even paid for yet." Shoemaker : "Cheer up ! I went to collect for a pair of shoes yesterday, and the fellow I made them for kicked me out with them." 136 WIT AND HUMOR ACCIDENT PROMOTES GENEROSITY. A little country church needed repairing, and the official board had called a meeting of the people to see what could be done toward raising the necessary funds. One of the wealthiest and most miserly of the members arose and said he would give five dollars. Just as he sat down a bunch of plastering fell from the ceiling and hit him on the head. Immediately he jumped up, looked confused, and said: "I — er — I meant fifty dollars." After a brief silence, a voice was heard to cry out: "O Lord, hit 'im again!" PANIC-STRICKEN. A scantily clad man hurried from his stateroom on the steamer and dashed toward the upper deck. On the way he ran into the captain of the vessel, and tremblingly asked : "Oh, Captain, what's the matter? Is the ship sinking?" "Calm yourself, and be prepared for the worst," the official replied, gravely. "Oh, don't tell me we're sinking! Where are the life-pre- servers ?" "They wouldn't be of any service now," said the captain; "you'll have to look out for yourself from now on. You see, we've just tied up to the dock!" THE DIFFICULTY. Advertisement in a New York Paper: "Wanted — Book- keeper and salesman. Must have one leg shorter than the other." "We were about to telephone this opportunity to a friend," says the Boston Transcript, "when we suddenly remembered that what he had was one leg longer than the other." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS [37 HAD A BAD MOUTH. "What started the row?" inquired the policeman. "A fake dentist sold a set of celluloid teeth to the man who eats fire in the vaudeville show." BOTH ALIKE. "So you refuse to renew your dog license? Don't you know it has expired?" asked the collector, gravely. "Yes, sah, Ah knows de license has expiahed, sah; but so has de dog." BREVITY WITHOUT WIT. When word reached a merchant who was away from home that his store had been burned, he telegraphed to his manager for more particulars, and received this reply: "No particulars. No store." 138 WIT AND HUMOR FRANK. Oh what a tangled web we weave When first we practice to deceive. — Walter Scott. NOT THEIR FAULT. Alexander Washington Jackson, a pillar of the colored church, was entertaining the pastor, and also some of the prom- inent members of the church, at dinner. After grace, Alexander began carving the chicken, and the pastor became facetious. "Brudder Jackson," he said, smilingly, "do de white folks around heah keep chickens?" As Alexander pried loose the second wing, he replied: "No, sah, pahson; but dey suttin'ly tries to." LIMITED KNOWLEDGE. A well-known judge dined at a hotel where the man who had charge of the hats was noted for his memory regarding their ownership. "How do you know that is mine?" the judge asked, as his silk hat was handed to him when he was ready to depart. "I don't know, sir." "Then, why do you give it to me?" inquired the bewildered judge. "Because you gave it to me, sir," replied the man, without changing his expression. THE STRANGER'S MISTAKE. Visitor: "How does the land lie out this way?" Native : "It ain't the land what lies ; it's the land agents what does it" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 1139 SORRY IT WASN'T TRUE. A country editor was visited in his office by a ferocious- looking man, who exclaimed, excitedly: "That notice of my death in your paper to-day is a lie, sir; a lie. I'll horsewhip you in public, sir, if you don't apologize in your next issue." When the paper came out again the following notice appeared : "We regret to announce that the paragraph in our last issue which stated that Colonel Brimsby was dead, was not true." HAD BECOME REGULAR TARGET. A visiting minister, preaching in a town famous for its horse- races, vigorously denounced the sport. The principal patron of the races always attended the church, and of this the clergyman was later informed. "I'm afraid I touched one of your weaknesses," said the pastor, not wishing to offend the wealthy man; "but it was quite unintentional, I assure you." "Oh, don't mind that," said the sportsman, genially; "it's a mighty poor sermon that don't hit me somewhere." THE BOY WAS POSTED. A well-known bishop who has a wife of a pronounced tem- perament one day caught a small boy stealing grapes from his vines. He reproved the offender sternly, and concluded: "Do you know, my boy, why I tell you this? There is One before whom even I am a crawling worm. Do you know who it is?" "Sure," said the boy, promptly; "your wife!" PERHAPS 'TWAS TRUE. "Mike, I am going to make you a present of this pig." "Ah, shure, an' it's just like you, sor !" 140 WIT AND HUMOR THE PREACHER KNEW HIM. While traveling on a steamboat, a notorious card-sharper, wishing to get into the good graces of a clergyman who was on board, said to the reverend gentleman : "I should like to hear you preach, sir." "You could have heard me last Sunday if you had been where you should have been." "Where was that, if I may ask?" "In the county jail." TOO LONG TO WAIT. A retail dealer who handled leather goods wrote to a firm in Massachusetts, ordering a carload of merchandise. Upon receipt of his letter, the firm immediately wired back : "Can not ship your order until last consignment is paid for." To this the retailer sent the following telegram in reply: "Unable to wait so long. Cancel the order." BILL NYE'S COW AD. Bill Nye, the humorist, once had a cow to sell, and advertised her as follows: "Owing to my ill health, I will sell at my residence, in town- ship 19, range 18, according to the Government survey, one plush raspberry cow, aged eight years. She is of undoubted courage, and gives milk frequently. To a man who does not fear death in any form, she would be a great boon. She is very much attached to her present home with a stay chain, but will be sold to any one who will treat her right. She is one-fourth short- horn and three-fourths hyena. I will also throw in a double- barrel shotgun, which goes with her. In May she usually goes away for a week or two and returns with a tall, red calf with wabbly legs. Her name is Rose. I would prefer to sell her to a non-resident." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 141 COULD BE TRUSTED. The witness was a fat, red-nosed man, with plenty of conceit. "So you are the superintendent of the waterworks, eh?" began the attorney in cross-questioning him. "Yes, sir." "And you give satisfaction?" "Yes, sir; I've given perfect satisfaction at the waterworks for seven years." "Humph!" said the lawyer, "you look like a man who could be trusted with any amount of water." MORE SUPPLIES NEEDED. A colored woman whose husband was in the penitentiary went to the Governor of her State, who was known as the "par- doning Governor," and said very seriously: "Marse Guv'nah, I wants my man pahdoned. He's in de penitentiary, and all he done was jes' steal a ham." "Did he really steal it, Auntie ?" said the Governor, kindly. "Lawsy, yes. He's jes' dat triflin' 'bout takin' t'ings." "Then, why do you want him pardoned?" "Marse Guv'nah, I needs him. We'se plumb out ob ham ag'in." GOT IT STRAIGHT. Mr. Paine had become much disturbed over some stomach trouble, and went to an eminent physician, complaining that he felt very bad right then. "What did you have for luncheon?" the doctor inquired. Mr. Paine answered, thoughtfully: "Crabs en casserole, bisque soup, a little chicken, nut salad, ice-cream, crackers and cheese." The physician gave him a keen look as he said : "You don't need a stomach specialist. What you want is a brain specialist." 142 WIT AND HUMOR FOLLOWED THE ADVICE. Dentist: "Have you been anywhere else before coming to me?" Patient: "I went to see the druggist in our village." "And what idiotic advice did he give you?" "He told me to come and see you, sir." A WISE COURSE. Miss Milly was a talkative young lady. Her bosom friend, having missed her for some time, called to find out the reason. "No, mum, Miss Milly is not in," the maid informed her. "She has gone to the class." "Why, what class?" inquired the caller, in surprise. "Well, mum, you know Miss Milly is to be married soon, and she's taking a course of lessons in domestic silence." NO DOUBT GOT IT. Old Lady (to grocer's boy) : "Don't you know it's very rude to whistle when dealing with a lady?" "That's what the boss told me to do, mum." "Told you to whistle?" "Yes'm. He said if we ever sold you anything we'd have to whistle for the money." THE PROBLEM SOLVED. Los Angeles is known throughout the nation for the boosting spirit of its citizens. It is said this was made the pretext for a criticism upon the occasion of an address by a Seattle merchant, who had been invited to make a talk to a number of Los Angeles business men. "Why, gentlemen," said he, " if you Los Angeles people would run a pipe-line from here to the ocean, and would all suck as hard as you blow, you could have the biggest harbor in the world." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 143 ANSWER WAS PROMPT. "My dear," said the caller, with a smile, to a little girl who occupied the study while her father, an eminent literary man, was at dinner : "I suppose you assist your father by entertaining the bores?" "Yes, sir," replied the little girl in a matter-of-fact way, "please be seated." AUDIENCE STAYED WITH HIM. On a very rainy night a lecturer volunteered to cut his address short, and, having reached what he considered the psychological moment, said: "I'm afraid I've kept you too long." Immediately came a voice from the audience: "Go on ; it's still raining. Lots of us didn't bring no umbrel." NOT MUCH WORRIED. Floor-walker, to man who seems undecided which way to go : "Are you looking for something?" "No, sir," was the cool reply; "I've lost my wife." ONE DAY ENOUGH. Mistress: "Would you like to come on trial for a week?" Applicant for Position as Cook: "No, mum; sure, an' Oi can tell in wan day whither Oi like yez." EVERYBODY PUZZLED. Kathleen: "Grant says he can't understand why I accepted him." Elsie : "He isn't like most folks." Kathleen: "I don't know what you mean." Elsie: "Other people can't understand why he proposed to you." 144 WIT AND HUMOR HUNTING A BARGAIN. McKinney was noted in his home town for his miserly deal- ings. One day when he stepped into the drugstore and asked for twenty-five cents' worth of morphine, the polite clerk asked: "What do you want it for?" "Twenty cents," was the prompt reply. MANY LIKE MOLLY. Two old maids were planning for the holidays. "Sister Molly," said the younger, "would a long stocking hold all you'd want for a Christmas gift?" "No, Elvira," said the elder, "but a pair of socks would." HAD WRONGED MOTHER-IN-LAW. "I just wish I'd taken mother's advice when she begged and begged me not to marry you." "Did your mother really try to keep you from marrying me?" "Yes, time after time." "Oh, how I have wronged that woman!" SELF-EVIDENT FACT. Proud Mother (holding crying babe) : "Well, Uncle Ned, isn't he just the sweetest little cherub in the world?" "I'm not much up on cherubs, Lucy," said the uncle, "but as a specimen of plain human baby he's certainly a howling success." TOLD THE TRUTH. "It's all very well for shallow people to criticize young min- isters and talk of their inexperience," said the wealthy miser, "but I have nothing but praise for our pastor — nothing but praise." "So I've noticed," said the deacon who helps in taking the collection. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS H5 ACCORDING TO THE PLACE. Father, mother and son were on their way downtown on a crowded car. She thought a hint might induce the boy to stand up instead of his father, so asked: "Doesn't it make your heart ache to see pa reaching up for the strap?" "Not here," the lad replied, "but it does at home." WILLING TO ADMIT IT. A woman who had a queer way of expressing herself, upon hearing of some wonderful medical discovery, said: "Well, that may be true. I don't know as much as some folks, if I do say it myself." NO FEAR OF THE WOLF. Husband: "Well, wifie, I've had my life insured for three thousand dollars." Wife: "How sensible of you! Now I shan't have to keep reminding you to be careful every place you go." WHY HE WAS GLOOMY. One of the guests at a wedding, seeing a dismal-looking young man who appeared to be on terms of familiarity with the prin- cipals, asked: "Are you related to either of the happy participants?" 'No," was the solemn reply, "I'm the defeated candidate." A WONDER HE TOLD IT. As a pleasant-faced woman passed the corner, Hemple touched his hat to her, and remarked feelingly to his companion : "Ah, my boy, I owe a great deal to that woman." "Your mother, or a near relative?" "No; my landlady." ]46 WIT AND HUMOR NOT HIS GIFT. Two London cabmen were glaring fiercely at each other. "Aw, wot's the matter with you?" demanded one. "Nothing's the matter with me." "You gave me a narsty look," persisted the first. "Me? Well, you cert'nly have a narsty look, but never did I give it to you." THE TRUTH SLIPPED OUT. "Mamma, I think you are clever, to be able to argue with the professor about sociology," said the admiring daughter. "I have only been concealing my ignorance," was the reply. Professor (gallantly) : "Oh, no, Mrs. Shaw. Quite the con- trary, I assure you." LIGHT EXERCISE. Doctor : "It will be necessary for you to give up mental work for a few weeks." Patient: "But, Doctor, that would stop my income. I write poems for the magazines and Sunday papers." Doctor : "Oh, that's all right. You can keep on with that It won't hurt you at all." OTHER BUSINESS. Colored Woman: "I wants to see Mistah Wessell." Office Boy: "Mr. Wessell is engaged." "Well, I doan' want to marry 'im, honey; I jes' wants to talk to 'im." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 147 GOSSIP. Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead. — Benjamin Franklin. THE USUAL WAY. Margaret and Hattie, seated next to each other at a dinner- party, immediately became confidential. "Mollie told me you told her that secret I told you not to tell her," whispered Margaret. "Oh, isn't she mean !" gasped Hattie. "Why, I was particular to tell her not to tell you." "Well," consoled Margaret, "I told her I wouldn't tell you she told me — so don't tell her I did:" THE REAL JOY OF IT. Miss Hapgood : "Of course you know you can't believe every- thing you hear." Miss Talkety: "Oh, no, but you can repeat it, just the same." JUST LOOK AHEAD. "When you turns ober a new leaf," said Sambo, "you'se got to make up yoh mind not to notice de people dat insist on huntin' up de back numbahs and makin' rema'ks." THOUGHT SHE KNEW. An architect met a lady of his acquaintance on the street and remarked that he had just been to see the nave of the new church, of which they were both members. . "You needn't mention any names," said the woman, with a discerning glance; "I know to whom you refer." 148 WIT AND HUMOR WANTED GOOD PRICE. Freddie came in and said that the woman next door had offered him a penny if he would tell what his mother said about her. "I hope you didn't tell," said his mother, anxiously; "I wouldn't have her know for anything that I even mentioned her name." "You bet I didn't; not for a penny," said the boy. "I told her what you said about her was something awful, and that it was easily worth half a dollar." ONE THING THAT DISTURBS. "Ah wus thinkin'," said Rastus Jackson, "what a nice, peace- ful-laike world dis yer universe would 'a' been if it wasn't foh de movement ob de human under jaw." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 149 HABIT. If you love not the sound of bells, why pull the ropes? — Danish Proverb. UP TO THE JUDGE. "Now, I don't expect to ever see you here again," said the judge to Rufus, who had been frequently arrested on minor charges. "Not see me here again?" said Rufus, in surprise. "Why, yo' isn't gwine to resign yo' job, is yo\ Jedge?" MADE NO DIFFERENCE. Wife of Politician (at 2 a. m.) : "The baby's crying again, John. What shall we do with him?" Sleepy Voice of the Father: "I move that the gentleman be no longer heard, and that he be declared out of order." But he was heard, just the same. JUST SUITED HIM. Several of Zellerby's friends, believing he would be glad to break away from the liquor habit had he the will-power to do so, arranged with a physician to give him treatment, and one of them accompanied the doctor to the man's home. Approaching the subject in a roundabout way, his friend said to Zellerby: "Dr. Hollington, here, will treat you every day for a month, if it's agreeable to you." "Mighty kind of you all," said Zellerby, his face lighting up hopefully. "I'm out of money, and have been wondering where the treats would come from, since the old gang's gone back on me." ]50 WIT AND HUMOR HE WAS VERY GRATEFUL. Bill Hester was recovering from a long spell of drinking, and felt disgusted with himself. While in this mood, a man got hold of him, took him to a big temperance meeting, and Bill was persuaded to sign the total-abstinence pledge. All formalities gone through, he looked at the pledge-card and the beautiful badge the workers had given him, and finally said to the chair- man: "Now, what have I to pay?" "Not a penny." "Well, then," said Bill, "let's go across the street and have a couple o' pints on it, anyhow." HARD TO BE PERFECT. "It appears from your record, Mollie," said the judge, "that you have been thirty-five times convicted of petty stealing." "I guess that's about right," replied Mollie, somewhat thought- fully; "none of us is perfect." IN HIS BUSINESS. "That policeman is entirely too conscientious.'* "What makes you say that?" "Just this — he arrested the growth of a vine on his house when he found it climbing through a window.'* BARGAIN IN A SONG. A converted Jew was conducting his first religious service, and everything went well until he seemed to almost forget his surroundings as he announced: "We will now sing three-ninety-eight, reduced from four- fifty." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 151 HARMONY. Patronize the florist more, the cigar dealer less, and the fragrance of your home will be sweeter. — Riddell. NO WONDER. A well-dressed man stood for several minutes watching a brawny drayman tugging at a heavily laden box almost as wide as the doorway through which he was trying to move it. Pres- ently the onlooker approached the perspiring drayman, patron- izingly, and asked: "Like to have a lift?" "Sure, I would," the other replied, and for the next two minutes the two men, on opposite sides of the box, worked, lifted, puffed and wheezed, but it did not move an inch. Finally the well- dressed man straightened up and said between puffs : "I don't believe — we can — ever get — it out." "Get it out ?" the drayman roared ; "why, you idiot, I'm trying to get it in!" AGREED WITH HER. She: "Women are more resourceful than men." He : "I guess that's right. A man has to get his clothes made to fit his shape, for instance, but a woman can get her shape made to fit her clothes." WESTERNER'S ADVICE. "Is there any way of stopping these cyclones?" asked the man from the East. "Oh, no," replied the Westerner; "the best way is to fall right in with 'em. You'll get along better than to go to opposin' ]52 WIT AND HUMOR SO FAR, SO GOOD. A nervous young lawyer arose to make his first address, in a crowded courtroom. He began : "Your Honor, my unfortunate client — my unfortunate client— your — " "Go on, sir!" shouted the exasperated judge; "so far as you have proceeded, the court entirely agrees with you." CUT-INS CONNECTED. Briggs : "Say, can you lend me five or ten — " Braggs: "No—" Briggs: "minutes? I think I can show you how to make some money." Braggs : "trouble at all. You can have twenty if you want it." — Stanford Chaparral. COMMENCED AT ONCE. A man dined one day at a country inn, and the landlord asked how he liked his fare. "I have dined as well as any man in England," was the reply. "Except the mayor," said the landlord. "I except nobody," was the retort. "But you must," the host insisted. The result of the quarrel was that a petty magistrate took the man before the mayor, who observed that it had been cus- tomary in that town for a number of years to always "except the mayor," and accordingly fined him for not conforming to the custom. Upon the announcement of this decision the man paid his fine, and, as he started to leave, remarked: "To my mind, that landlord is the biggest fool in England- except the mayor." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 153 HONEYMOON. A man finds himself seven years older the day after his marriage. — Lord Bacon. WISE FOR HIS AGE. "Did you see anything that particularly struck your fancy when looking about the furniture-shops to-day?" asked a newly married man of his bride, on her return from a tour of furniture inspection. "Yes," was her reply, "I saw something exceedingly pretty in looking-glasses." "I have no doubt of it," he observed, "if you looked into them." The halo of a calm, sweet peace rests upon that home. DIDN'T MEAN TO BE CRUEL. They had been married but a short time, when the young husband was compelled to be away from home for about two weeks. "I'll just learn to cook while you are gone," said the sweet young wife. "Good idea — and I'll take the dog over to Neighbor Hamp- ton's," said the head of the new household, thoughtfully. FEARFUL BRIDE. "Well, Dinah, I hear you are married." "Yas'm," said the former cook, "Fse done got me a man now." "Is he a good provider?" "Yas'm, but I'se powerful skeered dat he's gwine ter get kotched at it." 154 WIT AND HUMOR BRIDE WAS SO THOUGHTFUL. "How does the breakfast suit you, Roy?" inquired the young bride, anxiously. "It's just right, dearest. It may be plebeian, but I'm awfully fond of calves' liver for breakfast." "So am I, dear," she responded, with enthusiasm, adding: "Oh, Roy, don't you think it would pay us to keep a calf ? Then we could have liver every morning for breakfast." LOOKED BAD FOR THE BRIDE. The bridegroom was persistently called on for a speech at the close of the wedding feast, and surmised that it was a pre- arranged plan to embarrass him. Nervously placing one hand upon the shoulder of his bride, as he stood by her side, and, looking blushingly down at her, he began: "Friends, this thing has been forced on me." And he wondered why everybody laughed. ECONOMY GONE TO SEED. Young Wife : "Oh, Edward, you do believe that I am always thinking of economy, don't you?" Young Husband: "Mabel, your six-bit telegram this after- noon, telling me where to go to save four bits on a carpet- sweeper, warns me that you are thinking of it too much." OLD DODGE RIDDLED. "Going to the lodge, Harry?" asked the young wife, in sur- prise ; "I didn't know you were a member of any lodge." "Why — yes — Helen. I belong to the United Order of Buffa- loes," he said, rather nervously. "And would you rather spend the evening with a lot of Buffaloes than with your own little dear?" And Harry meekly hung his hat up again. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 155 WHAT SHE MEANT. George: "You will make me a good wife, I'm sure," he said, tenderly. Jane : "I know I'll make you a good husband." And George understood. BRUTAL BLUNTNESS. "You ought to like these biscuits, dear," said the young wife. "They are exactly like your mother made when you were a boy." "Of course they are," replied the young husband, gallantly; "I thought at first they were some of the same ones." IN A TIGHT PLACE. "I must say, these are fine biscuits," exclaimed the young husband. "How could you say those were fine biscuits?" inquired the young husband's mother, a few minutes later. "I didn't say they were fine," he explained; "I merely said I must say so." 156 WIT AND HUMOR IGNORANCE. A man who is bitten twice by the same dog is better adapted to that business than any other. — Josh Billings. NOT YET AWHILE. The colored folks of the town were giving a big ball, at which programs were being used for the first time, and their use was not well understood by many of those present. During the evening, refreshments of sandwiches and olives were served. When the dance was resumed, a colored man approached one of the ladies, who was still wiping the crumbs from her mouth, and asked: "Mirandy, is yo' program full?" "Lawsy, no," she replied, in a tone of disappointment; "go 'long, now! It shore takes mo' dan a ham sandwich and an olive to fill my program." HE HAD THE IDEA. As a stolid German was steering a trio of other Germans about for a day, it became necessary to use a telephone. Although Fritz had used a 'phone a few times, the idea was so surprising to the three newcomers that it occurred to him as an opportunity to make an impression of superiority. Stepping up to the 'phone with a jaunty air, he took down the receiver, and, not hearing a voice at first, started in : "Hello! Is dis— " He paused limply, for he was stuck. Only for a second or two, however; then his self-confidence came back, as he called out, smartly: "Is dis der middle?" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 1|7 GAVE A GOOD REASON. The story is told of an Irishman who was discharged from the Baldwin Locomotive Works by a foreman, who, to avoid discussion, put the dismissal in writing. Less than a week later he saw the man again at his lathe, and demanded : "Didn't you get my letter ?" "Yes, sor, I did that," replied Pat. "Did you read it? Can't you understand plain English?" "Sure, I read it, both inside and outside. On the inside ye says I was fired, and on the outside ye said, 'Return in five days to the Baldwin Locomotive Works,' and here I be, sor." HIS INTERPRETATION. A young wife, wishing to announce the birth of her first child to a friend in a distant city, sent this telegram: "Isaiah 9 : 6," which begins : "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given." Her friend, not familiar with the Scriptures, said to her husband : "Margaret evidently has a boy; but why on earth did they name him Isaiah? He must be healthy, though, for he weighs nine pounds and six ounces." TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HER. A member of the school board in a Pennsylvania town tells the story of a young woman who failed to pass the examination for appointment as teacher in the public school. Her mother was asked by a friend whether the daughter had succeeded in running the gauntlet of the examiners. "No," was the reply, in a mournful tone; "Sally didn't pass at all. Maybe you won't believe it, but them examiners asked the poor girl about things that happened years and years before she was even born." ]58 WIT AND HUMOR DIDN'T WANT TO EXPLODE. A sturdy old mountain woman was very ill with rheumatism, and for the first time in her life the doctor had been called to see her. He prescribed quinine in capsules, and it was only after much persuasion that she was induced to swallow them. Each time her face turned pale with apprehension, but at last she was able to sit up, so her daughter prepared a treat. Getting down the old woman's corncob pipe, she filled it with tobacco, tamped it down, then between two sticks she picked up a live coal from the hearth and started toward the bed. "Ma," she said, "jest look what I got fer ye!" "Lordy, Mandy ! Git away from here !" the mother screamed. "Take away that fire ! Take it away ! Don't yer know I'se done filled plumb up with cartridges?" CROWD WAS WITH HIM. The lecturer had given a lot of statistics, and a man in the audience wanted to confuse him, if possible, so, when the oppor- tunity was granted for asking questions, he inquired : "How do you find the greatest common divisor?" Slowly and deliberately the lecturer pointed his finger straight at the man, and in a voice that made the windows rattle, roared : "Advertise for it, you ignoramus!" The crowd cheered and yelled with delight, while the ques- tioner crawled out of the hall like a whipped cur. COULDN'T BE DENIED. "Farmers," said the fair city visitor, "are just as dishonest as the city milkmen." "How d'ye make that out?" asked the farmer's wife. "Why, this morning," said the girl, accusingly, "with my own eyes I saw your hired man water the cows just before he milked them," FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 159 WHY TAKE THE RISK? A wire had been stretched across a street in a large Western city, from the top of one high building to the top of another, for a rope-walker's performance. The people were already assembling to witness the feat, when a simple-minded man who had just happened along, asked a stranger : "What's it all about?" "See that wire?" was the reply. "Well, a man's going to walk across the street on it." "What's the matter with the ground? Seems to me it's risky, walkin' up so high," was the perplexed response. SOUNDED GOOD TO HER. "Oh, mother," cried Mabel, who had never visited in the country, "I've just received a letter from my schoolmate, inviting me to spend two weeks on her father's farm." Mabel's mother looked up, languidly, as she remarked: "Yes, dear; and what does she say about the society in the neighborhood? Does she mention any one?" "No," thoughtfully answered Mabel, "but I've heard her speak so many times of the Holsteins and the Guernseys." "Oh, well," said the mother, "I presume they are real nice people. Yes, you can go." WANTED TO BE RIGHT. A sergeant was drilling the recruit squad in the use of the rifle. All went well until blank cartridges were distributed. The recruits were instructed to load their pieces and stand at "ready," and then the sergeant gave the command : "Fire at will!" Private Luhn was puzzled. As he lowered his gun, he asked in deep perplexity: "Which one is Will?" 11 160 WIT AND HUMOR TELLING HER TROUBLES. A woman walked into the office adjoining the courtroom one busy day, and said to the judge: "Are you the reprobate judge?" "I am the probate judge, madam." "That's what I mean," she continued ; "you see, I have come to you because I'm in trouble. My husband has died detested, and left me three little infidels, and I have come to you to be appointed as their executioner." BEHIND THE TIMES. A traveling-salesman found himself in a village hotel dining- room when a heavy rain set in. "Mary," said he, addressing the waitress, "it looks like the flood." "Like what?" the girl asked, blankly. "The flood. You have read of the flood, and how the ark landed on Mount Ararat, haven't you?" "No, Mister," she admitted, indifferently, "I haven't seen a paper for several days." SOME LIVE ONES EMPTY. "I say, Granville, have you heard that joke about the guide in Rome who showed some travelers two skulls of Saint Paul — one as a boy and the other as a man?" "Ah, no, deah boy — aw, tell me about it." LIMITED EXHIBIT. "The collection in this museum seems very incomplete," re- marked Mrs. Halford. whose husband had recently come into possession of great wealth ; "for one thing, I haven't seen a skull of Cromwell. They have a very fine one in the museum at Oxford, England." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS UiJ TURNED HIM DOWN. She shoved a check through the window at the bank without looking at the cashier, who said to her pleasantly: "Madam, you will have to get some one to introduce you before I can cash this check for you." "Sir!" she replied, haughtily, "I'm here on business, and not making a social call. I do not care to know you !" ONLY SLIGHTLY INJURED. Mrs. Wade had no imagination, so her husband said. At the supper-table he mentioned he had read in the newspaper that a passenger on a transatlantic steamer had fallen overboard in mid- ocean and had never been seen again. "Was he drowned?" asked Mrs. Wade. "Oh, no, of course not," replied her husband, "but he sprained his ankle quite severely, I believe." IN THE SAME OLD PLACE. Mr. Jappolin had been a great traveler, and couldn't keep still about it. Everything that happened reminded him of some- thing else. His friend Mattox was admiring a very beautiful sunset one evening, when Jappolin broke in : "Ah, my friend, you should just see the sunsets in the East!" "I should like to, very much," said Mattox; "how strange it must seem. The sun always sets in the west in this country." TWO ALIKE. The manager of a factory engaged a new man, and a few days afterward inquired of the foreman how the fellow was progressing with his work. The foreman, who was disgusted with the newcomer's stupidity, said, angrily: "Progressing! Why, I've taught him all I know, and he's still an ignorant fool!" 162 WIT AND HUMOR PERISH THE THOUGHT! Mrs. Franklin, who had just returned from an extensive tour, was relating some of her experiences to her friend, Mrs. Newton, who had only recently acquired riches, and said: "Yes, while we were in Egypt we visited the Pyramids. Some of them were literally covered with hieroglyphics." "Ugh! The horrid things!" said Mrs. Newton, shuddering; "wasn't you afraid some of 'em would get on you?" HEAD MUCH LIKE STATUE. Josiah Quincy told how he was once identified by a laborer who was enlightening a friend. "That is Josiah Quincy," said the first laborer. "And who is he?" asked the other. "Don't you know who Josiah Quincy is?" roared the first man. "I never saw sich ignorance. Why, he's the grandson of the statue out there in the yard." A NEW LANGUAGE. Bobby was out with his mother on some of her calls. At one place the hostess said to him: "And so your little baby brother can talk now?" "Yes'm, he can say some words real well." "How lovely! And what words are they?" "I don't know. I never heard any of them before." THEY DON'T MIX WELL. It is said a book-agent in Milwaukee tried to sell a set of Shakespeare to a wealthy German. After talking for five min- utes, he was interrupted by his listener, who said, impatiently: "I don't vant it. I got Pabst's peer, und Schlitz's peer, und Blatz's peer. I know noddings apout dis Shake's peer, und I don't vant any." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 163 CAUSE FOR WONDER. Bridget, fresh from Ireland, stared at the baby's toy balloon, which wavered at a place two or three feet higher than her head, and was anchored to the back of a chair. "Tis quare and wonderful, entirely!" she said in amazement, raising her hands, "to see it up, and balancin' its own self — and it a-shtandin' on a shtring !" GREAT TRAVELERS. A number of tourists were looking down the crater of Vesuvius, when an American remarked to his companion: "That looks a good deal like the infernal regions." An English woman near by, who overheard him, said to her friend : "My! How these Americans do travel!" SURE OF ONE NOAH. A member of the Nebraska Legislature was making a speech on a momentous question, when he exclaimed: "In the words of the great Daniel Webster, who wrote the dictionary, 'Give me liberty or give me death!'" One of his colleagues pulled at his coat and whispered, hur- riedly : "Daniel Webster didn't write the dictionary; it was Noah." "Noah, nothing!" replied the speaker. "Noah built the ark!" HE MEANT ALL RIGHT. In a New England village a man entered the main department store and said to the clerk at the book counter : "Let me have, please, the 'Letters of Charles Lamb.' " "Post-office right across the street," said the affable clerk, with a smile. 164 WIT AND HUMOR NATURAL CONCLUSION. "Evidently, that young man I met at your party dees not know who I am," remarked Mr. Dorris, to his wife. "What makes you think so?" "If he appreciated the extent of my financial influence, he would have laughed at my jokes instead of my grammar." SOUNDED INCREDIBLE. Passing a swimming-pool in a small city, two countrywomen read the sign at the entrance: "25,000 Gals. In and Out Every Minute." "That's all nonsense," said one of the women ; "there ain't that many women in this whole town." TASTES DIFFER. The young woman from Boston inquired : "Do you care for 'Crabbe's Tales'?" "I never ate any," replied the Chicago girl, "but I'm just dead stuck on lobsters." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 165 INDEPENDENCE. Example is a dangerous lure. Where the gnat got through the wasp stuck fast. — La Fontaine. DIDN'T DISTURB HER. An English rector preached a sermon on the fate of the wicked. Meeting a woman noted as a gossip, he said : "I hope my sermon has borne fruit in your mind. You heard what I said about the place where there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth, didn't you?" "Well, as to that," replied the woman, "let them that has teeth gnash 'em — I ain't got any." EXPECTING A RUSH. "Chester, now that you're through college, you must begin looking for employment of some kind." "But, don't you think, father, it would be more dignified to wait until the offers begin coming in." COULD MANAGE HIM. A colored man had been arrested on a charge of beating and cruelly misusing his wife. After hearing the charge against the prisoner, the judge turned to the first witness, and said: "Madam, if this were your husband, and he had given you a beating, would you call in the police?" The woman addressed, who was large and of an aggressive disposition, answered, good-naturedly: "No, Jedge. If he was mah husban', an' he treated me dat way, Ah shore wouldn't call no policeman. No, sah. Ah'd call de undertaker." 1166 WIT AND HUMOR PRACTICAL DEMONSTRATION. As the subject for their weekly essays the teacher asked the pupils to write out what they would do if they had $1,000,000. All heads were bent to the desk, save one, and pens scratched busily. Henry calmly sat doing nothing. When the teacher collected the papers, he handed in a blank sheet. "How's this?" asked the teacher; "all the others have written at least two sheets, while you did nothing." "Well," replied the youth, "that's what I'd do if I was a millionaire." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 167 INFORMATION. Learning hath gained most by those books by which the printers have lost. — Thomas Fuller. THE WHOLE TRUTH. A small boy, who had recently passed his fifth birthday, was riding in a suburban car with his mother, when the conductor asked the question: "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, which did not require a fare, he passed on. The boy was silent for several seconds, and then, as if concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to the conductor, near the other end of the car: "And mother is thirty-seven!" WHY, OF COURSE. Jimmie : "How do they get the water in the watermelon ?" Mary: "By planting them in the spring, I guess." MANY CONVENIENCES. The following were among some rules posted in a country hotel : "Guests desiring to get up without being called may have self- rising flour for supper." "Baseball players in need of practice will find a pitcher on the washstand and a bat in the cave." "Guests wishing to do a little driving will find hammer and nails in the basement." "Any one troubled with nightmare will find a halter in the barn." 168 WIT AND HUMOR DEVELOPING MENTALITY. "Pop," inquired a little black boy, "what is a milleenium dat I hear's de preacher talkin' 'bout?" "Sho!" said his father, with a pretentious wave of the hand, "doan' yo' know what a milleenium am, chile? I sho' is 'sprised at yo' ignorance. Why, a milleenium is jes' 'bout de same as a centennial, only it am got mo' legs." READY FOR BUSINESS. When the train stopped at a little station in the South, a tourist from the North walked out and gazed curiously at a lean animal with scraggy bristles, rubbing itself against a scrub-oak. "What do you call that?" he asked a native. "Razor-back hawg, suh." "What's he rubbing himself against the tree for?" "He's stropping hisself, suh, jes' stropping hisself." WHERE EVERYTHING FOLDS. "Well," some one asked a Westerner, who was moving to New York, "have you furnished your new flat yet?" "No, not quite. By the way, can you tell me where I can buy a folding toothbrush?" IT PROVED FATAL. "Hello, Pat! I hear your dog is dead. What did he die of? W r hat was the complaint?" "No complaint, sor ; every one in the neighborhood appears to be well satisfied." "But what I want to know is, how did it occur?" "The dog was no cur; he was a thoroughbred." "Now, come along. Tell me, what disease did he die of?" "Oh, well ; he jumped in to fight a circular saw, and only lasted one round." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 169 DOWN THE YEARS. One of the attractions at a church fair was a fortune-teller's booth. A lady took her ten-year-old, red-haired, freckle-faced boy inside. "Your son will be a very distinguished man, if he lives long enough," said the fortune-teller. "Oh, how good!" gushed the mother, proudly; "and what will he be distinguished for?" "His old age," was the reply. EACH KNEW HIS PLACE. Enraged over something the local newspaper had printed about him, a subscriber burst into the editor's office in search of the responsible reporter. "Who are you ?" he demanded, glaring at the editor, who was also the main stockholder. "I'm the newspaper," he calmly replied. "And who are you?" he next roared, turning his bulging gaze on the colored office devil, who was clearing out the waste- basket. "Me?" said the darky, grinning from ear to ear; "why, de boys aroun' heah calls me de cull'd supplement, suh," 1 70 WIT AND HUMOR INNOCENT. There is no paradise on earth equal to the union of love and inno- cence. — Rousseau. UNDULY NERVOUS. "What yo' t'ink is de mattah wif me, Doctah?" asked Rastus, anxiously. "Oh, nothing very serious — only a light case of chicken-pox," said the physician. Rastus immediately became very nervous, as he earnestly declared : "Doctah, I'se tellin' yo' de troof; I ain't been nowhar dat I could 'a' kotched dem chicken-pox." NO USE LOOKING THERE. "If ye please, mum," said the tramp in an appealing voice, as he stood at the back door of the cottage on wash-day, "I've lost my leg, and — " "Well, I ain't got it !" snapped the woman, as she closed the door with a bang. NOT IN THE GAME. Jerry, thinking to enliven the party, stated, with his watch in his hand: "I'll presint a box av candy to the lady that makes the home- liest face within the next three minutes." When the time expired, Jerry announced : "Ah, Mrs. McGuire, ye get the prize." "Go way wid ye !" protested Mrs. McGuire ; "I wasn't playin' at all." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS m PROUD OF HIS FATHER. Mr. Jameson came home in the evening with a feeling of pride, and, as soon as the family were seated around the table, told them of a street fight which he broke up, adding : "One of the men was coming at the other with a spade, and if I hadn't stepped in between them, he would have beat his brains out." There was a slight pause, when Jameson's little son spoke up, proudly: "He couldn't beat any brains out of you, could he, papa?" There was a long silence, while Mrs. Jameson thought in vain of something to say to relieve the oppressive situation. 1 72 WIT AND HUMOR INTERPRETATION. The most difficult character in comedy is that of the fool, and he must be no simpleton that plays that part. — Cervantes. AS HE GOT IT. The farmer was on a business trip to the city, and decided to take some kind of a present home to his wife. Stepping into a store, he asked one of the lady clerks to show him some shirt- waists. Just before reaching for the boxes, she looked around and asked: "What bust?" The farmer quickly glanced toward the door, as he answered. "I don't know, Miss. I didn't hear nothing." JUST WHAT SHE WANTED. Hildah had not given good satisfaction in the new family where she had been working two or three weeks, so the mistress finally said to her : "Unless you improve, Hildah, we have decided to hire another girl." "Ay t'ank you, lady; Ay t'ank you. I bane need some help, but didna lake to spake t' ye aboot it." THE PROPER PLACE. The judge looked at the prisoner keenly for a few moments, and then said: "It strikes me forcibly I have seen your face before." "That's where I always wear it," replied the prisoner. Then the court laughed, and it took some time to restore order. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 173 REASONS FOR GROWTH. The keeper was feeding the pythons. Several live rabbits were tossed into the cage, and were greedily seized by the rep- tiles. The struggling rabbits, although seemingly almost as large as the snakes, were swallowed whole, one after another. The ghastly sight prompted a scholarly-looking spectator to exclaim: "Gruesome, eh, Mr. Keeper?" "Yes, and you'd 'a' grew some, too, if you'd et all that live stock," said the keeper, with a scornful glance at the questioner. THE FATAL PAUSE. "All my success in life," proudly said the millionaire, who was addressing a class at a business college, "I owe to one thing — pluck, pluck, pluck." Here he made an impressive pause, but the effect was ruined by a dull student, who asked: "Yes, sir; but will you please tell us something about how and whom to pluck?" GAVE THE PREACHER A TIP. "Do you know where little boys go who fish on Sunday?" inquired the preacher of a small boy with a pole over his shoulder. "Yes, sir ; us kids around here all goes down ter Walnut Creek, jest below the new bridge. Come, go with us, if yer likes." ONE SIDE OF THE QUESTION. A member of a camping party was shaving himself outside the tent one summer morning, it being both hot and dark inside. Another camper, strolling by, remarked: "I see you are shaving on the outside this morning." "Naturally," was the snappy answer; "d'ye think I'm lined with fur?" 174 WIT AND HUMOR MUST HAVE BEEN ANOTHER. A pretty young lady stepped up to a counter in a music-store where the new clerk was arranging some songs. As he turned to wait upon her, she said, in her sweetest and most appealing- tones : "Have you 'Kissed Me in the Moonlight'?" "No, ma'am," said he, in confusion, as his face reddened; "it — it must have been the man at the other counter. I've only been here a week, and do not remember ever seeing you before." JUST AS YOU VIEW IT. Among the responses to the offer of a prize by a London paper for the best definition of a baby, were the following : "The morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight brawler." "A native of all countries, who speaks the language of none." "A stranger with unspeakable cheek, that enters the house without a stitch to his back, and is received with open arms by every one." "An inhabitant of Lapland." "The most extensive employer of female labor." This answer received the prize : "A tiny feather from the wing of love dropped into the sacred lap of motherhood." MORE THAN NECESSARY. A small boy was asked if he knew what was meant by energy and enterprise. "No, sir, I don't think I do," he said. "Well, I will tell you, my boy. One of the richest men in the world came here without a shirt on his back, and now he has millions." "Millions!" ejaculated the boy; "how many does he put on al a time?" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS [75 THE CONDUCTOR'S REGRET. Two ladies had been to the opera, and were discussing it on their way home in the street-car. "I think 'Lohengrin' is wonderful," said one. "Yes, it's good," assented the other, "but I just dearly love 'Carmen.'" The conductor blushed, as he said, apologetically: "I'm sorry, Miss. I'm married. You might try the motor- man, though. I think he's single." SETTING THE DATE. A merchant in a Wisconsin town, who had a Swedish clerk, sent him out to do some collecting. When he returned from an unsucessful trip, he reported: "Yim Yonson say he pay you ven he sell him hogs. Yim Oleson, he pay ven he sell him wheat, and Bill Pack say he pay in Yanuary." "Well," said the boss, "that's the first time Bill ever set a date to pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?" "Veil, Ay tank so," said the clerk. "He say it bane a cold day ven you get that money. Ay tank that bane in Yanuary." IN THE SAME LINE. In endeavoring to explain the lesson on the Parable of the Tares, a Sunday-school teacher asked his class of boys : "Do any of you know any one who is like the evil one who sowed the tares?" "My mother is!" instantly replied one of the boys, to the astonishment of the teacher, who asked: "Why, Charley, what do you mean?" "Well, she is. She sews all the tears at our house," insisted the boy, eyeing his patched trousers; "she's the only one who can." 12 176 WIT AND HUMOR "I TOLD YOU SO." A young girl from a country town went to a city boarding- school, much against the wish of her father, who thought she would be spoiled by city ways. Soon she wrote in one of her letters : "I am much in love with ping-pong." The mother read the letter aloud to the father, who turned upon her angrily, saying: "You can see now I was right. I knew no good would come of her going to the city. Now, you see, she's head over heels in love with one of those blamed Chinamen." SAVED A WORD. It is said that a number of years ago a letter was received at the Chicago post-office bearing the following address : Wood John Mass. Nothing else appeared on the envelope. It went through the departments for undecipherable mail, and finally was sent to John Underwood, Andover, Mass. (John under Wood and over Mass.), who proved to be the person for whom it was intended. UNANIMOUSLY CHOSEN. When the term of the old negro preacher had expired, he arose and said : "Breddren, de time am heah fo' de delection ob yo' pastah fo' anudder yeah. All dose faborin' me fo' yo' pastah will please say 'Aye.' " The preacher had made himself rather unpopular, and there was no response. "Silence alius gibs consent," he said; "I'se yo' pastah fo* anudder yeah." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 177 TOO MUCH CURIOSITY. A mother went into a shoestore, accompanied by her little son. A clerk came briskly forward, and, learning that shoes were wanted for the boy, looked at him intently for a moment. "French kid?" he said. "None of your business whether he be French or Irish," flushed the mother. "I want a pair of shoes for 'im." GAVE HERSELF AWAY. "Get away, or I'll call my husband," said the hard-faced woman, who had just refused a tramp some food. "Oh, no, you won't," said the tramp, calmly, "because he ain't home." "How do you know?" the woman asked, wonderingly. "Because a man who marries a woman like you is home only at meal-times," said the tramp, as he started for the gate. ALL SAW THE POINT. An eccentric instructor was explaining a piece of mechanism to his class. Placing his finger upon the handle and turning it, he said, thoughtfully: "You notice that this machine is turned by a crank." Then he looked up in amazement, as they all tittered. FAR FROM AGONIZING. It was a breach of promise case, and the rustic defendant was under cross-examination. "Now, tell me," said the attorney, sternly, "on the evening of the sixteenth, when you bade her good-by, did she suffer you to kiss her?" "Well," said the witness, deliberately, "I reckon now I did give her a kiss or two; but there wasn't much sufferin' about it, as I could see," J V78 WIT AND HUMOR ONE OF THEM CALLED. Harry: "What are descendants, papa?" Father: "Why, the people who come after us." (Later.) "Who is that young man in the hall, Harry?" "That's one of sister's descendants. I guess he's come to take her out for a drive." THOUGHTFUL OF DUMB CREATURES. "Suits to protect cattle," she read aloud, adding: "Now, isn't that nice of the Government ! I suppose they'll furnish each of the poor, dear cows a good, warm blanket." Satisfied with this glimpse at the news of the great world, she turned to the realities of the fashion columns. PROMPT RESPONSE. The manager of a hotel, who had heard of the whereabouts of a man who had skipped out, leaving a bill unpaid, sent him this note: "Will you please send me the amount of your bill, and oblige." With no unnecessary delay came this answer: "The amount is $8.75. Respectfully yours," etc. NOT A THEATRICAL STAR. A college graduate was walking down the street one evening with a friend of Irish descent, and, pausing to look up at the starry sky, remarked, with enthusiasm: "How bright Orion is to-night!" "So, that is O'Ryan, is it?" replied Pat. "Well, thank the Lord, there's one Irishman in heaven, anyhow." TOO MUCH FOR THE CAT. Mrs. Wyckoff was away on a visit to her parents, and wrote the following card to her next-door neighbor at home; FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS [79 "Dear Mrs. Goodrich: — If it is not asking too much, will you please put out a little food on our back porch every day or so for the little tramp cat I have been feeding lately? The cat will eat almost anything, but please do not put yourself out." REMARKABLE TIMEPIECE. "This clock," explained the dealer, "will run eight days with- out winding." "Wonderful I" exclaimed Mrs. Nevins, "and how long will it go if you wind it?" KNEW HER OWN MIND. "Now, these two boys are sister's," said a stout woman to the census-taker. "You mean brothers," knowingly commented the census-man. "I'd have you understand that I mean just what I say," was the snappy retort. "They are my sister's. She lives down the street here a-ways — in the little yellow house with brown trim- mings." 180 WIT AND HUMOR MANNERS. If people are unwilling to hear you, better it is to hold your tongue than them. — Lord Chesterfield. HAD BEEN TRAINED. "Elsie," the teacher asked, "when do you say Thank you'?" The girl's face lighted up instantly, for that was the one thing she knew, and she answered: "When we have company." WENT TOO FAR. First Tramp: "After all, it pays to be polite, pardner." Second Tramp : "Not always. The other day I was actin' deaf and dumb, when a man gave me a dime. I said, Thank you, sir,' and he had me arrested." TIMELY ADVICE. Riding in an omnibus up Regent Street, says the London Spectator, was an old lady, who much annoyed the other passen- gers by her remarks. The conductor remonstrated with her, saying : "Madam, remember you are in a public vehicle, and that you should behave as such." AND MORE CIVIL PASSENGERS. "I say," said an old lady, with a highly pitched voice, as the train slowed down at a station, "I say, what's all this talk about educating boys to be civil engineers? The thing this here coun- try needs is a few more civil conductors and less sassy brake- men." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS HH ALL THE SAME TO HIM. "Oh, thank you," said a lady to a laborer, who gave her his seat in a crowded car. "That's all right, mum," was the cheerful response. "Some men never gives up their seat unless a woman's young and pretty, but it makes no difference at all to me." BETTER THAN ASKING. "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of pie when you were at Joel Hickman's for dinner," said the mother. "No, mamma," replied the boy, proudly; "I wouldn't do a thing like that — of course not. I just asked Mrs. Hickman for the recipe, so you could make some pie like it, and she gave me another piece right away." AND WHY NOT? "Maurice," said the mother, severely, "it wasn't polite of you to ask Mrs. Filgate her age, especially after she made you such a nice Christmas gift. It made her very angry." "Why, did it, mamma ?" said the boy, in surprise. "She asked me first, and I didn't get mad about it." THOUGHT IT WAS UP TO HOSTS. Gustave Schlorff and wife were not used to late hours, so one evening, when several of the neighbors called and stayed until a"bout ten o'clock, he turned to his companion, with a yawn, and said: "Vife, ve petter go to bed; dese peobles might vant to go home." 182 WIT AND HUMOR MEDICAL. Joy and Temperance and Repose Slam the door on the doctor's nose. — Von Logan. A QUICK DIAGNOSIS. A young physician had been called to testify in a case which depended upon technical evidence, and opposing counsel in the cross-examination asked several sarcastic questions about the knowledge and skill of the witness. "Are you," he asked, "entirely familiar with the symptoms of concussion of the brain?" "Yes, sir." "Then, I will ask your opinion of a hypothetical case. Were my learned friend, Mr. Banks, and myself to bang our heads together, should we get concussion of the brain?" "Mr. Banks might," was the quiet answer. IMPORTANT QUESTION. Among the patients in a hospital was one disposed to be dis- couraged as to his chances for recovery. "Cheer up," admonished the somewhat youthful physician in charge of the ward. "Your symptoms are almost identical with those of my own case four years ago. I was just as ill as you are. Look at me now, and take hope." "Yes, but what doctor did you have ?" the patient feebly asked. ALWAYS A PESSIMIST. "Well, Matthew, and how are you now?" "Thankee, Doctor; I be better than I were, but I beant as well as I were afore I was as bad as I be now." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS \&3 "ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL." The old family physician being away on a much-needed vaca- tion, his practice was intrusted to his son, a recent medical graduate. When the father returned, the young man told him, among other things, that he had cured Miss Ferguson, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic indigestion. "My boy," said the father, "I'm proud of you; but Miss Fer- guson's indigestion is what paid your way through college. It's all right, however, now that you've got your diploma." RELIED ON HIS EXPERIENCE. Mr. Teller was in poor health, and continually changing physi- cians. At one time he called in a young man just beginning to practice in the town, and told him all his ailments, remarking that he had symptoms of heart trouble of a serious nature. "Not necessarily," said the young doctor. This did not please the patient, and in his irritation he looked accusingly at the other, sternly remarking: "It isn't for a young physician like you, just out of college, to disagree with an old and experienced invalid like me, sir." HE LIKED THE "MEDICINE." A country doctor, walking out one day with a friend who boasted he was a stanch teetotaler, resolved to test him. Com- ing to a hotel with a bar, he asked the friend in and ordered two glasses of whisky. After they had disposed of these, and two or three more, at the doctor's expense, his friend began to get "mushy" in his talk. The doctor then, feeling he had him, bluntly asked : "How does this square with your teetotal pretensions?" "Well," said the other, with a quiet smile, "though I'm a strict teetotaler, I'd be ver' foolish to refuse what the doctor orders." 184 WIT AND HUMOR WHY CONSIDER THE PATIENT? Doctor: "I hear the operation by Dr. Britt was a botch." Friend: "Why, I understand the patient has completely re- covered." Doctor: "That may be true. I'm not speaking of its effect on the patient, but of the way it was performed." PERHAPS A SOUVENIR. The two youngest sons of a physician got into his consulting- room, where they began to "play doctors." Presently one of them unlocked a door, and disclosed a skeleton to the terrorized gaze of his playmate. "Pooh! What are you afraid of?" he asked. "It's nothing but an old skellington." "Wh-wh- where did it come from?" asked the other, with chattering teeth. "Oh, I don't know. Papa's had it a long time. I 'spect it was his first patient." COMMENDED HER CHOICE. "Oh, Doctor!" exclaimed the woman patient, "I was suffering so much that I just wanted to die." "You did right," said the physician, "to call me in at once." NOT MUCH, BUT A PLENTY. The physicians had retired to another room to discuss the patient's condition. In the closet of that room a small boy had been concealed, by the patient's direction, to listen, and to tell him what was learned, as he wished genuine information. "Well, Jack," said the sick man, when the boy later came to him, "what have you to report?" "I couldn't understand much," he said; "they used such big words ; but one said, 'We'll find that out at the autopsy/ " FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 185 KILLED HIS PRACTICE, TOO. "Ah, sir,*-' he said, sadly, "I've seen some great changes. I was once a doctor with a large practice, but, owing to one little slip, my patients began to leave me, and now I'm just living from hand to mouth." "What was that slip?" "Well, sir," he replied, "in filling in a death certificate for a patient who had died, I absent-mindedly signed my name in the space headed, 'Cause of Death.' " MEDICINE TO MATCH. The doctor looked worried, after examining the baby, then said: "Did you get those pills I told you to get yesterday?" "Well," replied the young mother, "I saw some pink ones that just matched baby's new bonnet, so I got them instead." QUOTATION ON FAITH. During the delivery of a sermon on "Faith," a minister is quoted as saying: "You have faith in the physician. He gives you medicine, and tells you to take it. You do so, and ask no questions. 'Yours not to reason why ; yours but to do and die.' " NO USE FOR IT. An old colored man visited a doctor, and was given definite instructions as to what he should do. Shaking his head, he started to leave the office, when the doctor said: "Here, Sambo, you forgot to pay me." "Pay yo' fo' what, boss?" "For my advice." "Naw, suh; naw, suh. I ain't gwine ter take it," and Sambo shuffled out. 186 WIT AND HUMOR HE GAVE IT UP. "No use/' growled Mr. Lohman, to his wife, from the bath- room. "I just can't do it." "What is it, dear?" she asked, anxiously. "Why, the doctor told me to drink hot water an hour before dinner, for my indigestion. Here I've got a quart and a half down, and I'm nearly bursting — and I haven't been at it more than fifteen minutes yet." NOT TO DISAPPOINT. Professor : "If a person, in good health, but who thought him- self sick, should send for you, what would you do?" Medical Student : "Give him something to make him sick, then administer an antidote." Professor: "Don't waste any more time here. Go on and hang out your shingle." HER FAVORITE COLOR. The little girl timidly asked the drug clerk for a package of pink dye. "What do you want it for, woolen or cotton goods?" kindly inquired the clerk. "Oh, sir, neither. It's for mamma's stomach. The doctor said she'd have to diet, and so she wants it a pretty color." IN SORE STRAITS. In order to help "Children's Day," a Missouri newspaper pub- lished items collected by children of twelve years of age and under. This one slipped through and was published just as written : "Mr. Calvin Butler is very ill. Doctor Barber and Doctor Hayden each visits him twice a day. Therefore his recovery is very doubtful." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS [87 WHEN SURE OF AN ORDER. A physician, passing a stonemason's shop, called out: "Good morning, Mr. Springer. Hard at it, I see. I suppose you finish them as far as 'In Memory of/ then wait to see who wants a monument next ?" "Well, yes," was the reply, "unless I hear somebody's ill and you're attending them, then I keep right on." DOUBTFUL ASSURANCE. "Tell me candidly, Doctor, do you think I'll pull through?" "Oh, you're bound to get well," replied the physician. "Sta- tistics prove that, out of every one hundred cases like yours, one patient invariably recovers. I've treated ninety-nine cases, and every one of them died, so it's your turn to live." FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS. "Do you think, Roderick," asked a slim-looking man of his companion, "that Dr. Henderson's medicine does any good?" "Yes, if you follow the directions." "What are the directions?" "Keep the bottle tightly corked." QUICKLY SUPPLIED. "My hair is coming out," said a man to his doctor. "Can you give me something to keep it in?" "Well," said the physician, "here's an old pill-box you are welcome to." PLENTY OF EVIDENCE. A physician, upon presenting his bill to the executor of the estate of a deceased patient, asked: "Do you wish to have my bill sworn to?" "No; the death of the patient is sufficient evidence of your Service," 188 WIT AND HUMOR INTERPRETING SHAKESPEARE. Finding a lady reading "Twelfth Night," a facetious physician asked her: "When Shakespeare wrote about 'Patience on a monument/ did he mean doctors' patients?" "No," said the woman, "you find them under the monuments." RIGHT- IN HIS LINE. An aviator was not feeling very well, so called on a physi- cian, to whom he was a stranger, and related his symptoms. The doctor examined him carefully, and said: "My dear sir, there's nothing particularly the matter with you. What you need is plenty of fresh air." HOW HE SAW IT. "So you intend to become a physician when you grow up?" "Yes, sir," answered the youth. "And why have you decided upon the medical profession?" "Well, I have thought over it a good deal, and the doctor is the only man that keeps on getting paid, whether his work is all right or not." A CLOSE SECOND. "I just heard that your son is an undertaker. I thought you told me he was a physician?" "No, not at all." "I don't like to contradict you, my dear sir, but I'm positive you said so." "You misunderstood me. I said he follows the medical pro- fession." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 189 MISTAKEN. His wit invites you by his looks to come, But, when you knock, it never is at home. — Cowper* THE IMPOSSIBLE. Mrs. Hunter was a stout woman, and when she went to the theater, always bought two seats, in order that she might have plenty of room. One afternoon she attended a matinee. When she handed the reserved-seat stubs to the usher, he politely asked : "Where is the party who is going to use the other seat?" "I'm going to occupy both seats myself," she explained. "You can't do it," he informed her. "Well," said she, flaring up immediately, "that's very strange ! I'll see the manager about it, sir!" "It will do no good, lady," said the usher, visibly embar- rassed. "You see, the seats are on opposite sides of the aisle." MEMORY AND HEARING CLASH. The President was receiving at the White House one evening, assisted by his usual staff of officers and their ladies. Among the guests was a tailor, who gloried in the patronage of the Chief Executive and other notables at the Capital. When introduced, however, the President could not catch his name, and, while shak- ing hands with him, remarked : "Your face, sir, is familiar, but I can't just now call your name." To assist his memory, the tailor whispered in his ear : "I made your pants." "Ah! Why, yes! Major Pants. Gentlemen, my friend, Majoi Pants!" 190 WIT AND HUMOR A LITTLE TOO SLOW. "It is always unwise to jump at conclusions," said the cautious man. "You're liable to make yourself ridiculous, to say the least." "That's right," said a listener. "I once jumped at the con- clusion of a ferry-boat, mistook the distance, and fell into the water." "Did you get out again?" dryly inquired an absent-minded man who was standing near. THREE IN A ROW. As a man entered a picture-gallery, the attendant tapped him on the shoulder, and, pointing to a small cur that followed him, said: "Dogs are not admitted here." "It's not my dog." "But he followed you." "So did you," replied the man, sharply. The attendant growled, and so did the dog, as he removed it with unnecessary violence. DID THE BEST HE COULD. The schoolmaster was hearing the reading lesson, and Johnny got along well until he came to the word "barque," when he suddenly halted. "B-b-b-ba— " he stuttered, helplessly. The teacher called out, sharply: "Barque, boy, barque." Johnny stared at him with a look of perplexity, and the master's temper rose, as he called out the second time : "Barque, boy, barque!" Then Johnny, with a pitiful expression, said: "Bow-wow-wow !" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 191 OTHER PLACES TO LIVE. The chauffeur never spoke except when addressed, but his few utterances, in a broad brogue, were to the point. One of the men in the party remarked to him : "You're a bright sort of a fellow; and it's easy to see that your people came from Ireland." "No, sor; you're mistaken," replied Pat, cheerily. "What? Your parents didn't come from Ireland?" "No, sor; they are there yit." AMBITION SATISFIED. My yard seemed rather small and mean, Appeared by far too scant For all the beans and other greens That I desired to plant. But when I struggled with the ground, And got my hands all rough, And bent my back, I quickly found 'Twas plenty big enough. — Kansas City Journal. ACQUAINTED WITH HER. "Would you mind giving your seat to this lady who is stand- ing up?" said the conductor, kindly, to a sturdy man who was comfortably seated. "Oh, ho, ho !" the man laughed. "Dot is a good joke on you ! She is not a lady — she is my vife !" DIPLOMATIC REPLY. The farmer was taking the newly arrived boarder, a young lady from the city, to his home. He was driving leisurely along, when all at once she spied a small herd of calves in a pasture by the roadside. "Oh !" she cried out in delight, "look at the cute little cowlets !" "You're mistaken, Miss," said the farmer, grinning; "them's bullets." 13 192 WIT AND HUMOR SIGN OF SPRING. A man well along in years, who was becoming rather deaf, was crossing over a railroad bridge just as a locomotive under- neath let out a deafening whistle. "First robin I've heard this spring," he murmured to himself, as he touched the horses lightly with the whip. THOUGHT SHE HEARD HIM. Mrs. Goodban was waiting dinner for her husband, who was expected home any minute. Suddenly out in the road a donkey brayed. The dear wife, who was a little deaf, beamed pleasantly, as she gave the order: "Run and put the kettle on, Jane! Husband is coming down the street. I'd know his laugh anywhere." ALL IN SAME BOAT. Mistress : "I told you twice, Bridget, to have muffins for breakfast. Have you no intellect?" Bridget: "No, mum. There's none in the house." PART OF THE FAMILY. "Who was the gentleman who came in just now?" the mis- tress inquired of the maid. "That was no gentleman, mum," was the reply; "it was only the master come back for his umbrella." TALKING AT CROSS-POINTS. A gentleman just back from Europe went into a restaurant, and, glancing over the bill of fare, said to the waiter, who approached him with a queer gait: "Have you frogs' feet?" "No, sir," was the embarrassed reply; "it's rheumatism that makes me walk this way." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 193 MADE SAME OLD GUESS. "I bet your father had trouble making out your left-handed letter." "Fortunately for me, he had. I wrote to him that after the football accident my temperature went to 104, and he sent me a check for that many dollars." VERY MUCH ALIVE. "Well, well!" exclaimed the bachelor friend, seeing the baby for the first time ; "he's the dead image of you, Jack." "Not much, he isn't," said the young father, who had been up half the night with the new arrival; "he's the livest image you ever saw, of me or anything else in this world." BELIEVED IN INDEPENDENCE. "You look awfully tired, young man," said a benevolent-look- ing woman to a young man with books under his arm. "Yes, ma'am," he replied, "I'm studying for a doctor." "It's a shame! Why don't you let the doctor study for him- self?" 194 WIT AND HUMOR MUSICAL. Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast. — W. Congreve. A MATTER OF TASTE. A wounded Highlander, in a French hospital, was much de- pressed, and seemed to make no headway toward recovery. He talked a great deal about his "bonnie Scotland," and the idea occurred to the doctor that a Scotch piper might rouse his spirits. One was found, and, following the instructions of the physician, stationed himself outside the hospital that night, where he played all the gems of Scottish music the pipes were capable of inter- preting. The next day the doctor inquired of the nurse the result of the experiment. "Oh, he's doing fine," she said. "I never saw such a change in a patient ; but the other patients have nearly all had a backset." HER REPERTOIRE. Miss Katherine Whitney seemed to have the ability to describe nearly everything in some new way. Upon her return from a reception, where many interesting people were in attendance, her aunt asked her if she met Mrs. Gilfillin. Meditating a moment, she answered in the affirmative, saying she could hardly get away from her. "Did you find her very interesting? Did she get on to her ailments?" inquired the aunt. "Interesting? And did she get on to her ailments? Well, Aunt, you should have heard her as she went on about her heart, and her lungs, and her liver, and her — why, aunt, it was a regular organ recital." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 195 HE WANTED TO BE SAFE. Although it wasn't leap year, the old-maid soloist in the vil- lage choir began her morning melody by screeching out very earnestly : "I want a man ! I want a man !" This was repeated, in whole or in part, after the modern style of solos and anthems, until a traveling-man who happened to be in the audience, thinking she was looking straight at him, decided it was time to leave, so, with hat in hand, started for the door just as she finished: "I want a mansion in the sky !" MANY WONDER AT IT. Another thing we don't understand about a grand opera orchestra is why all the fiddlers finish at the same time, when they are playing different tunes. — Dallas News. LEAST OF TWO TRIALS. "Miss Schroeder is going abroad to finish her musical educa- tion." "Where did she get the money?" "I understand the neighbors all chipped in." CERTAINLY WONDERFUL. A farmer and his wife lived near the country church. One warm Sunday evening, while they sat dozing on the porch, the crickets began a loud chirping. "I just love that chirping noise," he said, drowsily, and before the crickets had ceased he was sound asleep. Soon afterward the church choir broke into a chant. "Just listen to that !" exclaimed the wife. "Ain't it beautiful !" "Yes," drolled her husband, sleepily, "they do it with their hind legs." 196 WIT AND HUMOR SHE TRIED IT RIGHT AWAY. After the orchestra had reached the first part of the symphony, a woman sitting just behind McKinsey began telling her com- panion, at great length and in a loud undertone, how delight- ful it was to listen to music with the eyes closed. He stood it as long as he could, then, turning to her, said : "Pardon me, madam, but did you ever try listening to music with the mouth closed?" WHY HE HESITATED. They had been discussing the purchase of a chandelier for the new church, and every one seemed in favor of it, except Uncle Eben Billings. When asked to express his views, he arose, with considerable dignity, and said: "It ain't fer the likes of me to stop this church from spendin' money on a chandelier, but when we gets it, there's not a soul in the whole town as can play it." SOMETIMES SOUNDS THAT WAY. Good music and fine poultry were two things of which little Ella's father was very fond. He bought a talking-machine, and, among other records, was one of a very brilliant solo by a great soprano. The little girl listened closely to the runs of the bewildering music, until the singer struck some high notes and trills at the close, when she exclaimed, excitedly: "Daddy, listen! She's laid an eggl" HARD ON THE NEIGHBOR. Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on Sunday would go to heaven. His reply was character- istic of the man. Said he : "I don't see why he shouldn't, but I doubt whether the man next door will." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS [97 AS THE BOY INTERPRETED IT. Harry (just home from school) : "Mother, we had our sing- ing lesson to-day." "And how did you get on?" "All right. Teacher said I sang like a bird." "Really, did she say that?" "Well, pretty near; she said I sang like a crow." A MUSICAL WONDER. A celebrated vocalist was in a motor-car accident. One of the papers, after recording the accident, said: "We are happy to state that he was able to appear the follow- ing evening in three pieces." KEPT QUIET AS POSSIBLE. "Ah," said the visitor, "this village boasts a choral society, they say." "No," said the native, "we never boast of it." HAD ALL HE WANTED. She had been rendering a long, screeching solo at a reception, when Harkins remarked to Boardwell : "Surely she's a finished musician, don't you think?" "I hope so," was the doubting reply; "I was afraid she was going to sing again." COULD WORK BOTH WAYS. "Who is it," inquired Hennessey, "that said if he could make the songs of a people he wouldn't care who made the laws?" "I don't know," replied Corsick, who has an ear for music, "but if he's the fellow who's making the songs of the people these days, I'd just like to have the making of the laws for awhile." m WIT AND HUMOR FEARFUL RESPONSIBILITY. A colored man, on trial for his life in a remote Tennessee town, was asked by the judge if he had anything to say, where- upon he replied: "All I has to say, Jedge, is dis — if you hangs me, you hangs de best bass singer in Tennessee." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 199 OBSTINACY. All seems infected that the infected spy, As all looks yellow to the jaundiced eye. — Alexander Pope. TRUE TO HIS POSITION. He was a reporter, and one of the first to reach the scene of the railroad wreck. Rushing up to a battered, prostrate man, he asked : "How many were hurt?" "Haven't heard of any one being hurt," he answered. "What was the cause of the wreck?" "Wreck? I haven't heard of any wreck." "You haven't? Who are you, anyway?" "I am the claim agent of this railroad." THE MOST IMPORTANT. "Well, Aunt Dinah," asked the cook's young mistress, "are you going to have the word 'obey' eliminated from the marriage ceremony?" "No, chile, I ain't," said Aunt Dinah; "but I sho' am gwinter hab it 'limited from de matrimony." BETTER NOT TRY IT. "Do you sign this deed of your own free will, madam? I mean, there has been no compulsion on the part of your husband, has there ?" asked the attorney. "What, him?" said the female client, with an expression of utter contempt, as she indicated her husband ; "I'd like to see the likes of him try to compulse me, sir !" 200 WIT AND HUMOR NO NEED OF AN EXTRA LEG. Farmer Black clung to old-fashioned ways, but Farmer Jack- son, a neighbor, so far departed from them as to buy an auto- mobile. One day he was proudly showing it to some friends, when Black came along. "Urn," said he, looking at the handsome car, "what's that thing on the side?" "That? Why, that's an extra rim and tire. We always carry an extra one, in case anything happens to one of the wheels." "Jes* as I allers said," was the disdainful response. "Here I've druv hosses nigh on to fifty years, and I never had to carry an extra leg for one of them yet." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 201 OPTIMISM. When the best things are not possible, the best may be made of those that are. — Hooker. READY FOR NEXT JOB. "How's times around here?" inquired the tourist. "Pretty tolerable," responded the old man, sitting idly on the stump of a tree; "I had a pile of brush to burn, and the lightning set fire to it and saved me the trouble of burnin' it." "That was good." "Yes, and I had some trees to cut down, but the cyclone took 'em down for me and saved me the trouble." "Remarkable! But what are you doing now?" "Oh, jest waiting for an earthquake to come along and shake the taters out of the ground." NOT THE WORST THING. Vicar: "Amid all your troubles, Mrs. Abbott, I am pleased to see that your gratitude to Providence does not fail." "No, sir; rheumatism is bad," said she, "but I thank Heaven I still have a back to have it in." HOW HE MANAGED IT. "So it was once your ambition to have a business of your own?" "Yes ; nothing else would satisfy me then." "But your ship didn't come in? That's too bad." "Oh, I don't know. I found that there was plenty of stevedore work to be done unloading other people's ships, so I got along pretty well." 202 WIT AND HUMOR ALL FOR THE BEST. There had been a dreadful flood in Missouri. One man, who had lost nearly everything he possessed, including a lot of poultry, was sitting on the roof of his house as it floated along. He was gazing out over the vast stretch of water, when a neighbor in a boat approached and called out: "Hello, Bill! Did all your fowls wash away?" "Yes, but the ducks can swim. I reckon they're all right." "Peach-trees gone, too, eh?" "Well, they said the crop would be a failure, anyhow." "I see the water is way above your windows." "That's all right, Sam. Them winders needed washin' mighty bad, anyhow." "CHANGE CARS!" "If you are on the Grouchy Track, Get a transfer. Just take a Happy Special back — Get a transfer. Jump on the train and pull the rope That lands you at the station Hope — Get a transfer." ONE CAUSE FOR JOY. "Hey! What? Ain't yer vaccination healed up yet?" said one boy to another; "don't it make yer mad?" "Naw! De doctor told ma I mustn't take a bath till it's all well." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 203 PERPLEXITY. Those who seek to please everybody please nobody. — Msop. THE 'PHONE BELL. She ran to cook his pancakes, and the 'phone bell rang. She rushed to start the coffee, and the 'phone bell rang. Breakfast? He went without it; "Good-by," they had to shout it. She would have wept about it, but the 'phone bell rang. She tried to dress the children, and the 'phone bell rang. She went to wash the dishes, and the 'phone bell rang. The parlor needed dusting, The chafing-dish was rusting, And the silverware disgusting; but the 'phone bell rang. All day the housework waited, while the 'phone bell rang. No time for rest or labor, when the 'phone bell rang. At last he came to fold her In his arms. "Poor girl!" he told her; For a second he consoled her — and the 'phone bell rang. — Newark News. IN A DILEMMA. "Remember, Bridget," said the lady to the new maid, "there are just two things I insist upon: truthfulness and obedience." "Yis, mum," was the reply; "and when yez tell me to tell the callers that yez be out, when yer in, which do yez prefa'er — troothfulness or obadience?" DIDN'T LOOK CONSISTENT. "Why don't you go in?" asked one tramp of another, as they stood before the gate. "Dat dog's all right. Don't you see he's waggin' his tail?" "Sure, I do; but he's a-growlin', too, and I don't know which end to believe." 204 WIT AND HUMOR DIFFERENT IN AMERICA. An Englishman was attending his first ball game. He seemed uneasy after the fifth inning, and finally said to his American friend : "I say, old chap, when do they serve tea?" "They don't serve tea at all at a ball game." "No tea between innings?" gasped the Englishman. "Then, what's the object of the bloomin' game?" LOOKED MIXED TO HIM. "Now, remember, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "the tares represent the bad people and the wheat the good ones." "Well, that's funny," said a rosy-cheeked boy, thoughtfully; "it's the wheat that always gets threshed; the tares don't." UNFORTUNATELY EXPRESSED. Mr. Kimball was an ardent worker in the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, and told his wife a pathetic tale of a donkey he had rescued from a cruel master that morn- ing. When he had finished, she said, proudly: "John, I'm so glad you told me. I shall never see a donkey again without thinking of you." HAD HIM GUESSING. "Photography is a strange business," mused the young man. "Because it develops negatives, I presume?" queried the young woman, with a queer accent on the word "negative." "Not exactly that. But, as an example, the other day I had my picture taken in my riding-clothes — not on a horse, you understand, but just standing in my riding outfit, with my whip in my hand. And to-day I received a letter from the photog- rapher, stating that the pictures are all mounted and ready for FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 205 VERY NATURAL QUESTION. A rather stupid young fellow saw a sign which read: "Ring the bell for the gardener." He walked up and pulled the cord. A red-faced man soon appeared and inquired what he wanted. "Are you the gardener?" asked the young man. "Yes. What do you want?" "I saw the sign there, so rang the bell, and now I'd like to know why you can't ring the bell yourself?" ONE WAY OUT OF DILEMMA. At a masquerade for children, a policeman, stationed at the door, stopped an excited woman who demanded admittance, ex- plaining that he had orders to admit no one but children. "But, my child is dressed as a butterfly," exclaimed the woman, "and has forgotten her wings." "Can't help it. Orders is orders," said the officer. "You'll have to let her go as a caterpillar, I guess." LABOR BRINGS SUCCESS. "Congressman Fording, your constituents can not understand your speech on the Federal reserve banking system." "Good ! It took me seven hours to write it that way." OUGHT TO KNOW SOON. A traveler in Maine met a middle-aged farmer, who said his father, eighty-five years old, was still on the farm where he was born, and asked him: "Is his health good now?" "'Tain't much now. He's been complainin' for some time back." "What seems to be the matter with him?" "I dunno. Sometimes I think maybe farmin* don't agree with him." 206 WIT AND HUMOR SKEPTICAL ABOUT IT. Uncle Remus was in deep study, and finally relieved his mind as follows: "I'se done read in de papers dat some o' dese yer flyin' gemmen says a man in one o' dem aryplanes kin do anything a bird kin." "That's what they say," responded Aunt Chloe, wondering what was coming next. He continued : "Well, when any o' dem sees a man sittin' fas' asleep, holdin' on to a tree branch wif his feet, I sho' wants dem to call dis yer niggah fo' to see de sight — dat's all!" NOT AS THEY SEEM. "I can't get English through my head; It puzzles me, indeed. I think that I am writing 'lead,' But find I'm writing 'lead.' " BEYOND HIM. A man noted for his ready wit and cutting sarcasm slipped on the ice and fell. A clergyman of his acquaintance happened to be near, and helped him to his feet, remarking: "Sinners stand on slippery ground, don't they, John?" "Yes," was the retort, "but I don't see how they do it." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 207 PRACTICAL. Purposes, like eggs, unless hatched into action, will run into decay. — Smiles. WHAT SHE NEEDED. Mrs. Simmons, visiting at the home of Mrs. Newberry, in- quired concerning her daughter, saying she had not seen her for a long time. "Oh, Minnie is at college," proudly responded Mrs. Newberry, adding: "But I am so worried about her. I haven't had a letter from her for over two weeks. She's such a poor hand to write, though." "There's where you made a mistake," commented Mrs. Sim- mons. "Instead of letting her go to college, why didn't you send her to one of those correspondence schools?" A HARD PRESCRIPTION. Anxious Mother : "It was after nine o'clock when Clara came down to breakfast this morning, and the poor girl doesn't look well at all. Her system really needs toning up, seems to me. What do you think of iron?" Father: "Good idea! Give her the flat-iron. Strikes me that ought to cure her of twelve-o'clock balls." SOMETHING FOR HIS STOMACH. McMasters was walking with a beautiful girl in a wild New England wood, when she asked him: "What is your favorite flower?" "Well, I believe I like whole wheat best," he replied, thought- fully. 14 208 WIT AND HUMOR PERSISTENCY WINS. A small boy wanted a watch, and, as most small boys do, kept teasing his father until he was positively forbidden to men- tion the matter again. It was the custom in this family, every morning, after family prayers, for each member to recite one text from the Scriptures. Next morning, when it came time for the boy's verse, he said, promptly: "What I say unto you I say unto all, Watch !" Needless to say, his cleverness won for him the timepiece. NOT THAT WAY NOW. The artist was painting — sunset red, with streaks of green dots. The old farmer, at a respectful distance, was watching. "Ah," said the artist, looking up, "perhaps to you, too, nature has opened her sky-pictures, page by page. Have you seen the lambent flames of dawn leaping across the livid east; the red- stained, sulphurous islets floating in the lake of fire in the west; the ragged clouds at midnight, black as raven's wings, blotting out the shuddering moon?" "No," replied the farmer, in a matter-of-fact tone, "not since I signed the pledge." 'TWAS A DIFFICULT JOB. The English Weekly tells of an artist employed to renovate and retouch the wonderful oil paintings in an old church in Belgium, who brought in a strange bill, some of the items of which were as follows : Touching up purgatory and restoring lost souls, $3.06; bright- ening up the flames of hell, and putting new tail on the devil, $7.17; putting new stone in David's sling, enlarging head of Goliath, $6.13; mending shirt of prodigal son and cleaning his ear, $3.39 ; decorating Noah's ark and putting new head on Shem, $4.31. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 209 OF COURSE HE GOT IT. A manufacturer, who hired a boy, noticed that he always seemed to have his eye on the machine he was running. This went on for a year, when the man looked up from his work one day to see the boy standing by his desk. "What is it?" he inquired, kindly. "Want me pay raised," said the boy. "What are you getting now?" "T'ree dollars a week." "Well, how much do you think you are worth ?" "Four dollars." "You really think so, do you?" "Yes, sir, an' I've been t'inkin' so for t'ree weeks, but I've been so awful busy I ain't had time to speak to you about it." The boy got the raise. EVERY ONE HAS A REMEDY. "My husband is so poetic," said a well-dressed woman to her companion, in the street-car. "Have you ever tried rubbing his j'ints with hartshorn lini- ment?" interrupted a stolid-looking woman, who had overheard the remark. "That'll straighten him out as quick as anything I know of, if he ain't got it too bad," she added. HIS EXPECTATION. A workman was digging, when a pedestrian stopped for a few minutes to look on. "My man," said he at length, "what are you digging for?" "Money," was the reply. "Money!" exclaimed the questioner, in amazement; "and when do you expect to strike it?" "Saturday," quietly answered the workman, as he resumed digging. 210 WIT AND HUMOR A MATTER OF BUSINESS. They had been engaged a long time, and one evening were reading the paper together. "Look, love," he exclaimed, "only sixteen dollars for a suit of clothes." "Is it a wedding-suit?" she inquired. "No, it's only a business suit." "Well, I meant business," she promptly replied. WHERE THEY CLASHED. Daughter : "Yes, I've graduated, but now I must inform my- self in psychology, philology, Bibli — " Practical Mother: "Now, listen to me. I've already arranged for you a thorough course in roastology, boilology, stitchology, darnology, patchology and general domestic hustleology. Now, you can get on your working clothesology." LIKE A TEETER-BOARD. Finnegan: "Phwat's the use of choppin' down a tree?" O'Reardon : "And phwy not ?" "Shure, and you'll only have to chop it up again." HER MAINSTAY. She was a dear old lady, one of the leading characters of the village. In spite of her ninety years, her serene face showed no trace of worry or trouble. The new preacher, who had called, looked at her admiringly, as he asked : "What has been the chief source of your strength and suste- nance during all these years? Pray, tell me, that I may pass it on to others." The old lady raised her eyes, dim with years, yet bright with sweet memories, as she simply answered: "Victuals." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 21 1 CHANCE TO USE THEM. "Run upstairs, Freddie, and bring down baby's nightgown," said his mother. "Don't want to," was the reply. "Oh, Freddie, if you are not kind to your new little sister, she may put on her wings and fly back to heaven." "Well, let her put 'em on and fly upstairs after her night- gown," he suggested, triumphantly. WHERE HE FELL DOWN. "Then, you don't think I practice what I preach?" queried the minister, in talking with one of his deacons. "No, sir, I don't. You've been preaching on resignation for nigh on to two years, and haven't resigned yet." WANTS HONEST HENS. "Do you say your hens 'sit' or 'set'?" asked the precise peda- gogue, of the busy housewife. "It doesn't matter to me what I say. What I want to know is, when a hen cackles, is she laying or lying." IN THE MARKET. Young Man: "So Miss Ethel is your oldest sister? Who comes after her?" Small Brother : "Nobody ain't come yet ; but pa says the first fellow that comes can have her." SHOULD BE PURSUED. "The wicked flee when no man pursueth," quoted the deacon, to the minister. "Yes," said the pastor, who believed in muscular Christianity, "that is true ; but they make far better time when somebody is after them." 212 WIT AND HUMOR EXPENSIVE APPLES. "Your boys were in my apple-tree again yesterday," said Belknap to his neighbor. "If you say anything more about it," declared the other, "I'll send you the doctor's bill." BETTER EQUIPPED. "How old is your baby brother?" asked little Tommy, of a playmate. "About a year old," replied Harry. "Huh," exclaimed Tommy, "I've got a dog a year old, and he can walk lots faster than that kid can." "He ought to," was the immediate reply; "he's got twice as many legs " FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 213 PRECAUTION. Be careful what rubbish you toss in the tide, For back on the incoming waves it may ride. — Ella Wheeler Wilcox. TOOK THE SAFE COURSE. Three strangers were in a Pullman car, when one turned to another and asked : "How f-far is it to P-P-Pittsburgh ?" The man addressed made no reply, but got up and left the car. The stutterer then turned to the third man, who gave him the desired information. A short time afterward he met the one who had left the car, and inquired : "See here! Why did you go out without answering when that man asked you a civil question?" "D-d-do you think I w-w-want to g-g-get m-my head knocked p-p-plumb off?" was the significant reply. "LOOKS REASONABLE." Two Irishmen arranged to fight a duel with pistols. One was decidedly stout, and raised an objection. "Bedad," said he, "I'm twice as big as he, so I ought to stand twice as far from him as he does from me." NOT TO BE SURPRISED. Mike: "I had to go through the woods the other night where Casey was murthered last year, an' I walked backwards the whole way." Pat: "And for why wuz ye be doin' that?" Mike: "Faith, man, so I could see if anything wuz a-comin' up behint me." 214 WIT AND HUMOR FORCED THE SALE. "What are you doing with those snowballs?" asked the well- dressed gentleman, suspiciously, a few days before Christmas. "Sellin' 'em, sir, three f er a penny, and them what can't afford to buy 'em gets 'em f er nothin'," the boy answered. "Ah, I'll buy the entire lot," said the man, quickly. WANTED TO BE THERE. George was engaged to be married to a young lady in a neigh- boring city, and when the day came for the ceremony he did not appear. The bride was on the verge of nervous prostration, when the following telegram was received : "Dear Helen: — Missed the early train. Will arrive on the 4:30. Don't marry until I come. — George." FOUR-LEGGED ONES SAFE. Sanitary Inspector: "My good man, you keep your pigs too near your house. It isn't healthy." "That's just what the doctor said," replied the slouchy man; "but I don't see how it's goin' to hurt 'em none — and they're just as healthy as any one's pigs, far as I can see." TIME TO START SOMETHING. Mrs. Halloway: "Yes, sir, my husband left me in straitened circumstances. My two daughters are the only resources I have left." Mr. Freeman : "Then, madam, I should strongly advise you to husband your resources with as little loss of time as possible." FOR A RAINY DAY. "Your money or your life !" coarsely growled the highwayman. "Take me life," quickly decided Pat. "I'm a-savin' me money for me old age." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 215 WILLING TO HELP. Mrs. Randall had just finished instructing her new girl, who came to her from an intelligence-office. Her general appearance pleased the mistress, and she felt sure she had found a prize. "And, Lizzie, do you have to be called in the morning?" she asked the girl, as an afterthought. "I don't have to be, mum," replied the new assistant, hope- fully, "unless you just happens to need me." LIKED OLD WAY BEST. The city boy's parents had just moved to the country, and arrangements were being made for him to attend the country school. One day he saw electricians at work there, and asked his father: "What are those men doing?" "Putting in an electric switch." "Well, I quit right here, then. I won't stand for any school where they do the licking by electricity." THOUGHTFUL CHILD. Winifred had been disobedient, and her mother led her to the chicken-house near by. Amid the apprehensive cries of the child and the alarmed cackles from a dozen or more excited hens, the punishment began. But soon Winifred looked up appealingly from over her mother's knee, and whimpered : "Mother, don't you think this scares the chickens more than is good for them?" GOOD COMPANIONS OR NONE. Mother: "Ernest, stop using such dreadful language." "Well, mamma, Shakespeare used it." "Then, don't play with him another minute. He's no fit com- panion for you." 216 WIT AND HUMOR WANTED HER PART RIGHT. Fannie was all worked up over the approaching wedding of her aunt, at which she was to be flower girl. When told that she would go down the aisle and sprinkle flowers all along, she said, earnestly : "All right, mamma, but you must get a new sprinkling-can right away. Our old one leaks awfully awful." WANTED TO PLEASE HER. The president of a well-known college wore side-whiskers. Whenever he suggested removing them, there was a division of opinion in the family. One morning he entered his wife's dress- ing-room, razor in hand, with his right cheek shaved smooth. "How do you like it, my dear?" he asked. "If you think it looks well, I'll shave the other side too." STILL HOPE FOR HIM. A small, dejected-looking man presented himself in the doc- tor's office to take an examination for life insurance. It hap- pened that the physician knew something of his home life, where the wife was the ruler, but, as a matter of form, asked: "You don't dissipate, do you? Not a fast liver, or anything of that sort?" The man hesitated a moment, looked a bit frightened, then replied, in a small, piping voice : "I sometimes chew a little gum." INNOCENT DOG STARTS QUARREL. "I would much prefer that you do, not bring your dog into my house," said Mrs. Nebeker, to a caller; "it's full of fleas." "Oh, dear me!" was the shocked reply. "Of course I'll not bring the dear thing in, then. I had no idea you kept your house in such condition." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 217 WHY SO PARTICULAR? "You understand your duties, don't you?" she said, to the new footman. "Yes, ma'am, I'm quite sure I do." "And you know your way to announce?" "Well, ma'am, I shouldn't like to be so exact as that, but I'm quite sure I know my weight to a pound or so." NO RAY OF HOPE. "Do you think I can safely ask your daughter to marry me?" "I'm sure of it. I heard her tell her mother she wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on earth." NO EXPERIMENT FOR HIM. An Irish hod-carrier was taking mortar to the top of a twenty- story skyscraper in course of construction. One day he couldn't find his way down. The boss missed him, and called up: "Pat, why don't you come down?" "I don't know the way, sor." "Why, come down the way you went up." "Faith, and Oi will not, sor, for Oi came up head first." NOT A BASIS OF VALUES. "I say, do you think Wiegler is a man to be trusted?" "Yes; why, I'd trust him with my life." "But with anything valuable, I mean." 218 WIT AND HUMOR PREFERENCE. An army of stags with a lion at their head, is better than an army of lions with a stag at their head. — Philip of Macedon. COULD NOT BE THWARTED. At the Christmas dinner the little girl had eaten freely of turkey. After two generous helpings she asked for more. "You've had all that's good for you," said the mother. "I want some more." "You can't have any more, dear. But here's the wish-bone, for you and mamma to pull. That will be fun. Now, pull ! Why, Mary ! You got the big end ! Now, what do you wish for?" "More turkey!" promptly replied Mary, joyfully. DOUBLE CAPACITY. "The camel has nine stomachs, I heard at the zoo. Now wouldn't I be happy if I had two? Oh, yes ; I'd brim with gladness, and call life a dream, With one for just roast turkey and one for ice-cream." SIDETRACKING FATHER. "Geraldine," called father, down the long stairway into the dim and silent parlor, "ask that young man if he doesn't think it's about bedtime." After a moment more of silence, the daughter answered in silvery tones: "He says it's now 11 :45, papa, and that he seldom goes to bed before one, but it seems to him it's a matter of merely personal preference, and that, if he were in your place, he'd go now, if he felt sleepy." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 2[9 ALWAYS SOMETHING BETTER. Election Agent : "That was a good speech our candidate made on the agricultural question, wasn't it?" Farmer: "Oh, it wasn't bad; but a couple o' nights o' good rain would 'a' done a heap more good." BRIEF ORDERS. "I would like to have my hair cut," he said, as he threw himself into the chair. "Any special way?" asked the barber. "Yes," was the reply, "off." MONEY ATONED. A deaf man was being married, and the parson asked the usual question: "Do you take this woman for your lawful wife?" "Eh?" said the deaf man, with his hand to his ear. "Do you take this woman for your lawful wife?" The groom seemed a bit irritated, as he answered: "Oh, I don't know. She ain't so awful. I've seen wus than her, that didn't have as much money." NOT A TRAINED SINGER. It was at a summer hotel, and the baby, being warm and fretful, cried lustily. "Tut! Tut! We can't disturb our neighbors this way," said the fond father, taking the child in his arms. "Let me sing him to sleep." He had been singing to the little one but a short time, when a knock was heard at the door, with these words : "There's a sick lady next door, and, if it's all the same to you, would you mind letting the baby cry instead of singing to it?" 220 WIT AND HUMOR THE SAME RESULT. Johnny had been handed two apples, and instructed to give one to his sister. The mother watched the act, and then said, regretfully: "Johnny, if I were dividing those apples, I'd keep the small one and give you the large one." "Well, ain't I got it ?" he asked in triumph. WHY THEY GO TO CHURCH. An unknown editor, who, evidently, looked over the situation carefully, wrote the following: "Some go to church to weep, while others go to sleep. Some go to tell their woes, others go to show their clothes. Some go to hear the preacher, others like the solo screecher. Boys go to reconnoiter, girls go because they orter. Many go for good reflections, precious few to help collections." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 221 PREPARATION. When God wants to make an oak he takes a hundred years, but he only takes two months to make a squash. — James A. Garfield. WELL POSTED. "This afternoon," announced the presiding officer, at the con- ference of ministers, "Elder Jones will read a paper on 'The Devil.' Please spread the announcement, and be prompt in attendance, for Brother Jones has spent much time on the paper, and is full of his subject." TAKING CARE OF BABY. An advertisement, praising the virtues of a new make of infants' feeding-bottle, said : "When the baby is done drinking, it must be unscrewed and put in a cold place, under a tap. If the baby does not thrive on fresh milk, it should be boiled." NOT OVERDONE. "Herbert," said his mother, "did you wash your face before your music-teacher came?" "Yes," replied the boy. "And your hands and your ears?" "Well, mamma," said he, truthfully, "I washed the ear that would be next to her." TWO WAYS OF BEING FITTED. "Yes, grandma, I'm to be married during Yuletide." "But, my dear," said the good old lady, earnestly, "you are very young. Do you feel that you are fitted for married life?" "Oh, I am being fitted now, grandma," explained the pros- pective bride, sweetly, "and my gowns will be just beautiful." 222 WIT AND HUMOR PRETENSE. The gentleman is solid mahogany; the fashionable man is only veneer. — Holland. ENDED IN A DRAW. Two old residents of the village were very ignorant, neither being able to even tell the time of day. A friend of Unde Hamer gave him a watch, of which he was very proud. One day, before the crowd at the corner store, "Old Pete," as he was called, being slightly jealous of the other in the display of his timepiece, and thinking to embarrass him, said, carelessly: "Say, Hamer, what time have ye got?" The other drew out his watch and turned its face toward his inquirer, saying: "There she be." Pete was at a loss what to do at first, but quickly met the emergency by exclaiming : "Blamed if she ain't!" NO DOUBT A GOOD PROPHET. Sidney and Warren were playing near a small pool of water, when they decided to pretend they were certain animals. Sidney was to be a calf, and walked around on "all-fours," bellowing vociferously, while Warren acted the part of a pig, and wallowed in the muddy pool. Finally he crawled out, and, looking anxiously at his soiled clothes and hands, said: "I don't like to be a pig— you be it I want to be a calf, and bellar." "There'll be time enough for you to bellar when yer ma sees yer clothes," was the retort from his playmate, FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 223 POOR RECOMMENDATION. An Irishman, taking a large goose home for his Sunday dinner, stopped at an inn to obtain a little refreshment, says Tit-Bits. Putting down the goose, he was proceeding to satisfy his thirst, when a seedy-looking individual, seizing the fowl, started to run away with it. Pat at once gave chase, and soon had the man by the neck, yelling at him: "And why did yez take the bir'rd?" "Sure, I took it for a lark !" was the reply. "And did yez? Begorra, ye'd make a bad judge at a bir'rd show, now, wouldn't yez!" SIGHT-SEEING. "On your trip abroad last summer, did you go up the Rhine ?" "Yes, indeed. Right up to the very top. And, oh! What a magnificent view we did get from the summit!" WHY HE BECAME SILENT. Bowen awoke with a start. It was his wife's birthday, and he had forgotten to bring her a present when he came home the night before. He decided to resort to strategy. Hurrying silently downstairs, he placed a large plate on the hall table, and let the dog in the house. When Mrs. Bowen came down, he met her, smilingly, and with much courtesy said : "My dear, this being your birthday, I brought home a beau- tiful cake for you." With happy anticipation she followed, just in time to see him kick the dog and stare in apparent amazement at the empty cake-plate. "The brute!" he cried, savagely. "He's eaten the birthday cake all up!" "How could he?" the wife asked, in surprise, "See, he still has the muzzle on." 15 224 WIT AND HUMOR HUNTING DRY LAND. Notwithstanding the horrors of the great European war, it is said humor was not lacking whenever firing ceased. In one of the front-line Austrian trenches, the water was three feet deep in some places. "Where's Logenwixz?" an officer asked one of the men. "Gone ashore, sir," was the reply, with all due courtesy. AGREED WITH THE DOCTOR. Mike had the misfortune to get mixed up in an accident, and was taken to a hospital, where it was found he was but slightly injured. The house surgeon who examined him thus stated the case to the nurse, Mike listening with great interest : "As subcutaneous abrasion is not observable, I think there is little reason to apprehend tegumental cicatrization of the wound. What do you think about it, yourself?" he mischievously asked the patient. "Sure, Doctor," replied Mike, "you're a wonderful thought- reader, for you took the very words out of my mouth. I was just going to say the same precise thing myself." — Pittsburgh Ch ronicle- Telegrap h. HAD IT ABOUT RIGHT. "That new clerk of yours seems to be an important person here." "You've sized the situation up about right." "Then, he is important, is he?" "No. Just seems to be." VERY CHARMING! "And what did you most enjoy in France, Mrs. Cummings?" "Well, I think it was the French pheasants singing the 'Mayonnaise.' " FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 225 OFTEN THE CASE. "Willie," said the teacher of the juvenile class, "what is the term '&c' used for?" "Why, I guess it's to make people think we know a lot more than we really do." WARBECK'S ANCESTRY. It is said the late King Edward once came upon one of his grandsons with a book in his hand, and asked what he was doing. "Studying about Perkin Warbeck," was the reply. "And who was he?" continued His Majesty, desiring to test the boy's knowledge. "Oh," answered the young prince, "he pretended he was the son of a king, but he wasn't. He was the son of respectable parents." WHEN NOT DISREGARDED. A clergyman of a church in Georgia was discussing religious topics of varied interests with a somewhat illiterate member of his congregation. The man remarked that even the best people were none too good. "You believe, then," said the pastor, "in the doctrine of total depravity ?" "Yes, I do," was the prompt reply; "that is, where it's lived up to." WANTED TO BE FAIR. Two little girls, walking through a field, were afraid of a cow, when one of them suggested that they go right on and act as if they were not the least bit frightened. "But, wouldn't that be deceiving the cow?" the other asked, earnestly. 226 WIT AND HUMOR A FEARFUL HYPOCRITE. "What do you think of Jergens?" "Jergens? Why, sir, he's one of those fellows that pat you on the back before your face, and hit you in the eye behind your back." KNEW WHAT SHE WANTED. "I wants to be procrastinated at de nex' corner," said a very pretentious colored woman. "You want to be what?" demanded the puzzled conductor. "Now, doan' yo' lose yo' tempah. I had to look in de dic- tionary myse'f befo' I found out dat 'procrastinate' means to 'put off/ Yes, sah, yo' can jes' procrastinate me at Jeff 'son Street." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 227 PRIDE. Smear yourself with honey and you will be devoured by flies. — Mexican Proverb. HE CAUGHT ON QUICKLY. A woman, easily distinguished as "new rich," entered a street- car, and, with a haughty air, sat down by an old Italian. When the conductor collected the fares, she said to him, in a loud voice : "Let me off at my husband's bank." Evidently knowing her, he assured her he would do so, then reached for the fare of the Italian. Although poorly dressed, he was evidently just as well known to the conductor as the woman, and said: "Please let me off at my peanut-stand, will you, Mister?" "Yes, Mezzo," was the distinct but kindly reply, The proud woman didn't smile, but all the other passengers seemed suddenly possessed with unusual cheerfulness. ONE OF HIS TRAITS. Two negro boys went to hear a politician make a speech. The man had not been speaking long, when one of the dusky youths asked the other: "Eph, who am dat man?" "I dunno, but he do shua' recommen' hisse'f." WOULDN'T GIVE IN. "Why don't you get rid of that mule?" "Well, suh," answered the negro laborer, "I hates to gib in. If I was to trade off dat mule, he'd rega'd it as a pus'n'l victory. He's been tryin* foh de las' six weeks to get rid ob me." 228 WIT AND HUMOR THE FARMER'S CONCLUSION. A professor of about sixty years of age looked much older, but very much disliked to be reminded of it. At a small rural station an old farmer, panting violently, boarded the train, and happened to take a seat by the side of the other, remarking: "I had to run nearly half a mile to get here in time." Pausing a moment for breath, he resumed: "It's a bad job, when old folks like me and you has to run." The professor, frowning, asked him how old he was. "I'm seventy-six," he answered. "Well, there's ten years difference between you and me," said the professor, in a dignified tone, "Goodness gracious !" exclaimed the farmer, "you don't mean to tell me you're eighty-six!" NOT MADE FOR DUDES. "Why do you spend so much time on the crease of your pants?" the rural father inquired of the son, just home from college. "It is important, dad, not to wear baggy trousers," said he. "Important, is it? Why, you young upstart! You young representative of a lot of these modern fads ! Did you ever see a statue to a man who didn't wear baggy trousers?" ORIGINAL KITCHEN-GIRL. Black Sarah was employed in the kitchen of a Northern family. One day a visitor there, by way of being pleasant, said to her: "You are from the South, are you not?" "Lawsy, yes, Miss !" was the ready answer. "Born in the South, I presume?" "Originally bo'n in Richmond, Mississippa," was the proud reply. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 229 NOT AFRAID OF BRAGGING. Several years ago, a rivalry in the raising of hogs sprang up among the farmers of Kansas. A sign in front of one farm, that seldom failed to attract the attention of passersby, read: "Any one wishing to see the biggest hog in Kansas, stop here and see me. — Silas Lowe," 230 WIT AND HUMOR PROOF. A single profane expression betrays a man's low breeding. — Joseph Cook. NOTHING TO BOAST OF. He was a rural Yankee, and peered inquisitively at the Jew who occupied the other half of the car seat with him. "Nice day," said the Jew, politely. "You're a Jew, ain't you?" queried the other. "Yes, sir, I'm a clothing salesman" (handing him a card). "But you're a Jew?" ^es, I am," came the answer. "Well," continued the nagger, "I'm a Yankee, and in the little village in Maine where I'm from, I'm proud to say, there ain't a Jew livin'." "Yes," replied his seatmate, quietly, "that's why it's a village." A GOOD BLUFFER. Two small pugilists were quarreling. "Aw," said one, tauntingly, "you're afraid to fight, that's what you are!" "Naw, I ain't, but if I fights, my ma'll find it out and lick me." "How'll she find it out, I'd like to know?" "She'll see the doctor goin' to your house." LOOKED THAT WAY. Aunt Mary: "Is the water at your place hard or soft, dear?" Little Niece: "I think it's hard, auntie, 'cause when I spat- tered some on the lamp chimney t'other night it broke all to pieces." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 231 SHOCKED THE LAWYER. An attorney, who was a candidate for a municipal office, was out canvassing one day, and stopped at a cottage door, inquiring of the woman who answered his knock : "Is your husband in?" "No, sir; but I know what you want. He's going to vote for you because you got him off for stealing that ham last week." "No, no," corrected the lawyer ; "alleged stealing of the ham." "Alleged, nothing!" was the smiling denial. "We've got some of it yet. Lemme give you a sandwich out of it, sir." A VOICE FROM— MIKE. Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a building, when one made a misstep and fell to the ground. The other leaned over and called out: "Are you dead or alive, Mike?" "Alive," said the other, feebly. "Sure, you're such a liar, I don't know whether to believe you or not." "Then, I must be dead," said Mike, "for you wouldn't dare call me a liar if I wor alive." AS DINAH SAW IT. "Colonel Rogers seems to be very literary," remarked a visitor in the home of the negro maid, glancing at a pile- of magazines on the floor. "Yes, ma'am, he sho' am literary. He jes' natu'ly littahs t'ings all ober de house." NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT, "Was your garden a success?" "Decidedly so. My neighbor's chickens took first prize at the poultry show." 232 WIT AND HUMOR ONE QUESTION SETTLED. Two darkies were discussing the nationalities of certain Bible characters, when Sam said to Jim: "Does yo' s'pose Saint Peter was a nigger?" "Naw, Peter wan't no nigger," was the positive reply. "What fo' make yo' say Peter wasn't no nigger?" "Kase, ef he'd 'a' been a nigger, dat roostah neber would hab had a chance to crow t'ree times." SHE TOLD THE TRUTH. "What were you and Charles talking about in the parlor?" asked the mother. "Oh, we were discussing our kith and kin." The mother looked dubiously at her daughter, whereupon her little brother, with the best of intentions, spoke up, brightly : "Yeth, she wath, mamma. I heard 'em. Charley, he athked her for a kith, and thithter thaid, 'You kin.'" THOUGHTLESS FATHER. "Winkler seems to have a high opinion of his knowledge of things in general." "I should say he has! Why, I have actually heard him try to argue with his son, who is in his Freshman year at college." NO LONGER IN DOUBT. The two-hundred-pound wife had been much alarmed over the condition of her husband, but said, hopefully, to the doctor, on the occasion of his third call : "I think hubby is much better this morning. He took my hand just a minute ago and called me his little tootsy-wootsy." "The case is much more serious than I thought," said the doctor, anxiously; "it's a very bad sign when a patient becomes delirious." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 233 HIS ARGUMENT. An old negro in Texas, who was the only Baptist in the vicinity, always stood up for his church, and was ready for an argument, although unable to read a word. The New York Christian Advocate says this is the way he "put down" at least one of his antagonists: "Yo' kin read, now, can't yo' ?" "Yes." "Well, I s'pose yo' read in de Bible about John de Baptis', ain't yo'?" "Yes." "Well, yo' neber read 'bout John de Mefodis', did yo'? Ef yo' eber does, jes' let dis heah niggah know 'bout it." THIEF'S TERRIBLE BLUNDER. The detective had congratulated the housewife for bringing about the arrest of a noted sneak-thief. "Oh, I knew he was a crook the minute he spoke," she said, proudly. "How did you know so quickly?" "Why, he said the gas company had sent him out to examine our meter and see if we were not entitled to a rebate." HARDLY BELIEVABLE. "That little shrimp doesn't look like a hero, does he?" "Great Scott! No! Why, what has he done?" "Been married three times, and is engaged again." WHERE HE BELONGS. Clerk in the Assessor's Office: "A fellow outside says you assessed his real estate too little by twenty thousand dollars." Assessor: "Try to hold his attention until I 'phone to the insane asylum." 234 WIT AND HUMOR KNEW ITS MASTER. A farmer, visiting in Rochester, while talking to a resident of the city, exclaimed: "And this park was given to the city by the Mayos — well, that's fine!" "Yes, and the Mayos gave this library to the city, and this church was built by the Mayos, and the money for this school was contributed by the Mayos," informed the resi- dent. "Well, that's wonderful — nearly everything here belongs to the Mayos, or was donated by them, it seems. Here comes a cat. I suppose that belongs to the Mayos too. Let's stop and ask it." As they paused, the farmer spoke, pettingly: "Kitty! Kitty! Say, kitty, who do you belong to?" "Me-ow," instantly came the reply. "By gosh !" was all the farmer could say for some time. THERE WAS A DOUBT. "Pardon me," said a stranger, in a Western town, "are you a resident here?" "Yes, sir; been here something like fifty years. What can I do for you?" "I'm looking for a criminal lawyer," responded the stranger; "have you one here?" "Well," reflectively replied the native, "I think we have, but it would be pretty hard to prove it on him." THEY DON'T SPEAK NOW. "The man I marry must have common sense," said the haughty young woman, during a quarrel with a girl friend. "He won't," was the bitter answer — and then they sepa- rated. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 235 COULDN'T BE DENIED. "Bill got six months for stealing a pig, I hear." "That so? How did they prove it on him?" "The pig squealed, I understand." LOOKS REASONABLE. Several men were discussing the subject of politeness, when one of them, referring to a well-known man of about three hun- dred pounds weight, said he was the politest man of his ac- quaintance. "What's your proof?" asked a listener. "Just this : I was on a street-car one day when a number of ladies came in, and he gave his seat to three of them." 236 WIT AND HUMOR PUNS. His cogitative faculties immersed in cogibundity of cogitation. — H. Carey. ODD, BUT TRUE. I've seen the rope-walk down the land, The sheep-run in the vale ; I've seen the dog-watch on the ship, The cow-slip rn the dale. I've seen the sea-foam at the mouth, The horse-fly in the arr ; I know the bul-warks on the deck, And the fire-works many a scare. I've seen a-bun-dance on the plate, A lamp-light on the floor ; I've seen the cat-fish in the sea, And a hat-stand by the door. — Tit-Bits. MUST RAISE SOMETHING. Scrubby-faced Individual: "Can I get trusted for a shave?" Barber: "Not here. If you can't raise a dime, you'll have to keep on raising whiskers." A CIRCUS CATASTROPHE. At the circus grounds Friday morning, while many people were wondering what had delayed the circus, a newsboy said, in a knowing way: "There ain't goin' to be no show to-day." "Ain't goin' to be no show? What fer?" anxiously queried another. "'Cause the elephant stepped on the coffee-pot," grinned the first boy, "and they can't find the grounds." — Youngstown Tele- gram. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 237 LOOKED LIKE OPTIMISM. "This close confinement," said the judge, to a hardened old convict in his cell, "must affect you considerably." "Yes, I find prison bars somewhat grating," was the facetious reply. "Life to you must seem like a failure," continued the judge. "Yes, it's nothing but a cell," said the convict. And the judge looked very thoughtful, as he walked away. TOOL-CHEST COURTSHIP. "It is 'plane' that I love you," he began. "I ought to 'hammer' you for that," she answered, saucily. "What made you 'brace' up?" she queried, coquettishly. "The fact that I 'saw' you," he answered, with a bow. "Come and sit by me on the 'bench,' " he urged. "Suppose the others should 'file' in?" she queried, and con- tinued: "You shouldn't let your arms 'compass' me." "I know a preacher who is a good 'joiner,'" he suggested. "Promise not to 'chisel' him out of his fee," she requested. "That wouldn't 'auger' well for us," he answered, as they rushed off for the license. — Grit. SURE OF HIS 'GROUND. "Pa," said the five-year-old boy, "I saw a lion and a lamb lying side by side in our meadow this morning." "Tut! Tut! Harold, don't tell me such stories," remon- strated the father. "I tell you, I did, papa; but it was a dandelion." TIME TO SKIP OUT. "What is it, do you suppose, that keeps the moon in place and prevents it from falling?" asked Araminta. "It must be the beams," replied Jimmie, and then he fled. 238 WIT AND HUMOR WENT HIM ONE BETTER. Father (ruefully gazing on his last dollar): "Money has wings, and house rent makes it fly." "Yes," said his fifteen-year-old son, "and some houses have wings, for I've seen many a house-fly." "You're smarter than your old dad. I always thought no part of the house except the chimney flue!" THE TROUBLE LOCATED. "My gas bill is greatly increasing recently," said the matter- of-fact man, to his daughter's steady caller; "do you know the reason ?" Young Man (nervously) : "Perhaps there's something wrong with the meter." Father: "You've guessed it exactly. You meet 'er entirely too often and too long." APPETITE OF NATIONS. "I'm Hungary and Chile," said the tramp, thinking that puns might bring him better success than putting on a long face. It just happened that the man who came to the door enjoyed puns himself, so, with a twinkle in his eye, he said: "Well, I'll Fiji. Uruguay sort of a fellow, aren't you?" "Yes, Siam. I find it Greece with me better than moping." "All right; Yukon come in, but as soon as I Servia, Denmark time in getting away from here." GOOD WORK. "I tell you, boys," said a loud-voiced drummer, to some friends, "I'm proud to say that no house in the country has more men pushing its line of goods than ours." "That sounds pretty big. What do you sell?" asked one. "Baby-carriages." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 239 MUST BE KEPT IN PAIRS. An Irishman walked into a public office, his shoes making a lot of noise. One of the clerks jokingly referred to them, where- upon Pat returned, by saying: "I came near selling them the other day." "How was that?" asked the clerk, unsuspectingly. "I had them half-soled," said Pat, dryly, as he turned to leave. MAY GIVE HIM A BACKSET. I'm in a io-der mood to-day, & feel poetic 2; 4 fun I'll just off a line & send it off 2 U. I'm sorry U've been 6 O long; but don't B disconsol8 ; But bear your ills with 40-2d, & they won't seem so gr8. — Unknown. UNCLE JOHN'S GOOD GUESS. A little girl had sent back her plate for chicken two or three times, and had been helped bountifully to all the things that go to make a good dinner. Finally she was observed looking rather disconsolately at her unfinished dish of pudding. "What's the matter, Dorothy?" asked Uncle John. "You look mournful." "That's just the matter," said Dorothy; "I am more'n full." LOOKS LIKE IT. "Mamma, a man called me a lad. Am I a lad?" "Yes, Wilbur." "And you told me my new papa is my stepfather?" "Yes, that's right." "Well, mamma, then ain't I his step-ladder?" IN A DIFFERENT WAY. "What are you doing there?" asked a friend of a photog- rapher, who was drying his plates in the warm sunlight, "Oh, just airing my views," he said, 16 240 WIT AND HUMOR VERY BRIGHT HUSBAND. "Have you any photographs of your children, Mr. Peck?" inquired a friend. "Yes, a bushel of them." "Why, Mr. Peck!" protested his wife. "Well, haven't we pictures of all four of them? And don't four pecks make a bushel?" JAILLESS CRIMES. Judge mentions a few, as follows : Killing time, hanging pic- tures, stealing bases, shooting the chutes, choking off a speaker, running over a new song, smothering a laugh, setting fire to the heart, knifing a performance, murdering the English language. LOOKING FOR GREEN FLAG. The Carrs already had a large family, when the arrival of another little Carr was announced. "My goodness!" exclaimed one of the long-suffering neigh- bors; "it is certainly to be hoped that this is the caboose." SHOULD RUN A FUNNY PAPER. Customer: "Can't you wait upon me? I've been here for a long time. Two pounds of liver, please." Butcher: "Sorry, but there are three or four ahead of you. You surely don't want your liver out of order." POSSESSED QUEER FEELING. "I woke up last night with the feeling that my new gold watch was gone. The impression was so strong that I got up to look." "Well, was it gone?" "No, but it was going." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 241 HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION. In an Eastern city there really is a lady named Phoebe B. Beebe. Now, if Phoebe B. Beebe had a bee, and the bee were lost, we might say: "Where can Phoebe B. Beebe's bee be?" EASY TO PLEASE. Diner (at restaurant) : "I'll take chicken." Waiter: "Sorry, sir, but the chicken is out." "Oh, well, I'll wait until it comes back. I'm in no hurry." 242 WIT AND HUMOR QUESTIONS. Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions; they pass no criticisms. — George Eliot. POLICEMAN'S SUGGESTION. "Officer, I am looking for a small man with one eye." "Sure, now, if he's a very small man, wouldn't it be better to use both of them, ma'am?" DECEIVED HIS LOOKS. A college professor, noted for his severe examinations, shot questions in rapid succession at a raw-looking Freshman: "I understand you attend the class in mathematics?" "Yes, sir." "How many sides has a circle?" "Two." "Indeed!" said the surprised professor. "What are they?" "Inside and outside." "And you attend the moral philosophy class; have you heard lectures on cause and effect?" "Yes." "Does an effect ever go before a cause?" "Yes." "Give an instance," said the professor, becoming slightly irritated. "A barrow wheeled by a man." The professor, scratching his head and frowning, said, snap- pishly: "You may go now." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 243 HIS LAST ONE A POSER. He asked so many questions that he finally wore out his mother's patience. Even after she warned him that he must stop, he asked one more, and was promptly put to bed for his disobe- dience. Later, his mother tiptoed upstairs, knelt beside his bed, and told him she was sorry she had been so cross with him, adding : "Now, dear, if you want to ask one more question before you go to sleep, you may do so, and I will try to answer." The boy did not have to think long, for there were so many things he wanted to know. Apparently using his oppor- tunity for the one thing uppermost in his mind, he meekly asked : "Mamma, how far can a cat spit?" THE INVINCIBLE. "Mother," began the little girl, "what does transatlantic mean ?" "Across the ocean." "But, does 'trans' always mean across?" "Yes, always," said the mother, sternly; "and if you ask me another question to-night, I shall send you right to bed." After a brief silence, however, the child braved the threaten- ing storm, by remarking: "Then, I suppose transparent means a cross parent." REDUCED SWELLING IN HIS HEAD. An egotistical man, hearing a number of boys asking one another riddles, thought he would give them a poser, so said to them: "What time is it when a clock strikes thirteen?" "Time it was taken to the clockmaker's to be fixed," promptly answered one of the smallest boys in the bunch. 244 WIT AND HUMOR BIRD BEATS HIM TWO POINTS. A teacher was questioning a class of boys on the subject of "Birds." Having received correct answers about feathers, bill, feet and wings, he put the question : "What is it a bird can do that I can not?" "Fly," was the answer he expected. For several moments the boys were absorbed in thought, then one raised his hand. "Well, my lad, what is it?" "Lay an egg, sir." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 245 REBUKE. Many go out for wool and come home shorn themselves. — Cervantes. HANDY LIFE-PRESERVER. The boatman had been aggravated by the behavior of a young fellow in the party which he had taken out for a sail. When the boat sprang a leak far from the shore, the boatman provided all the passengers with lifebelts, except the egotistical young man. "Where's mine?" cried the terrified youth. "Don't you worry!" said the man, with a vindictive smile. "You don't need no lifebelt. You'll never be drowned. A feller with a head as holler as your'n can't sink." GOT A THUNDERBOLT. A very self-conceited man entered a restaurant, glanced at the menu and then looked at the waitress. "Nice day, little one," he began. "Yes, it is," she answered, severely, "and so was yesterday; and my name is Ella, and I know I am a little peach, and I've been here quite awhile, and I like the place, and I don't think I'm too nice to be working here. If I did, I'd quit my job. My wages are satisfactory, and I'm from the country, and I'm a respectable girl, and my brother is cook here, and he weighs nearly two hundred pounds, and last month he wiped up the floor with a fifty-dollar-a-month traveling-man who tried to make a date with me for a show that was in town at that time. Now, what will you have?" In his confusion, he ordered lemon soup, chicken chops and celery pie. 246 WIT AND HUMOR WOULDN'T EXAGGERATE. Some country editors are not to be trifled with. One who was approached by an agent for a real-estate syndicate to start a boom for the town, refused, among other things, saying in his paper : "As an individual, we might cheat a man at poker, but, as an editor, we can't be hired to help swindle our subscribers. We have got the fag-end of one railroad. Society here is not culti- vated. A toothbrush or a volume of poems found on a man in this town would hang him. It is not a trade center. We have the Digger Indians on three sides of us, and a lot of coyotes on the fourth. It is not a good place for invalids. If the climate didn't kill them, our doctors would." ONLY FOR HIMSELF. A small boy with a cold was sitting next to a woman in a crowded street-car, and kept sniffling in a most annoying manner. At last she thought to reproach him by asking : "Boy, have you a handkerchief?" The lad looked her over a few seconds, then said, in a digni- fied tone: "Yes, ma'am, but I don't loan it to strangers." THE LESS OF TWO TORTURES. She didn't like him very much, so resolved to give him a strong hint to that effect the very first chance she got. The next time he called, the conversation drifted to country life, when he said : "I was reading of a man who was hooked terrifically by a cow. Doncher know, I think it would be horrible to be hooked to death by a beastly cow." "Not half so bad as to be bored to death by a calf!" she snapped back. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 247 DIAMOND ENGLISH. In the National League was an umpire who was a stickler for correct deportment on the diamond. In a game he umpired, some Boston players, sitting on their bench, began to guy the man at the bat. In an instant the umpire was running toward them, calling out: "Cut out them personalities ! Cut out them personalities !" As he turned away, a high-pitched voice from the grandstand greeted him: "Cut out them grammar! Cut out them grammar!" DIDN'T LAST LONG. A theological student, supposed to possess rather poor judg- ment, was asked by a professor in a class examination: "How would you discover a fool?" "By the questions he would ask," was the immediate retort. TOO INQUISITIVE. "I want to get ten cents' worth o' stamps," said the farmer, at the post-office window. "What denomination?" flippantly queried the new clerk. "I'm a Baptist," was the proud reply; "but I don't know as it's any o' your business." NEEDED AT HOME. A genial Quaker went into a bookstore, and a young salesman, wishing to have a joke at his expense, said to him : "You are from the country, aren't you?" "Yes," was the quiet reply. "Then, here's just the thing for you," said the clerk, holding up a book. "It's an essay on the rearing of calves." "Friend," said the Quaker, kindly, "thou hadst better present that to thy mother." 248 WIT AND HUMOR GOOD ADVICE FROM PREACHER. During a revival meeting, the old question was asked : "Where did Cain get his wife?" This time it was a young man, who evidently wanted to confuse the preacher. "I should like to give this young man a word of advice," said the speaker, during almost breathless silence, "and it is this : Don't lose your soul's salvation looking after other men's wives." DIDN'T LIKE HIS INQUISITIVENESS. "I see you have your arm in a sling," said the inquisitive passenger; "broken, is it?" "Yes, sir," responded the man by his side. "Meet with an accident?" "No. Broke it while trying to pat myself on the back for minding my own business." IMMEDIATE TRY-OUT. "When I don't want a man's attentions," said Miss Butler, "and he asks me where I live, I say, Tn the suburbs.' " "Ha! Ha! Excellent!" laughed young Mr. Springer; "but where do you really live, Miss Butler?" "In the suburbs." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 249 REPARTEE. When we think to catch, we are sometimes caught.— Spanish Proverb. WHAT HE HIT. Judge: "What is your occupation?" Prisoner : "I am a bus-driver, your Honor." "You mean you are a driver of horses attached thereto?" "Yes, sir." "You are charged," continued the judge, "with hitting this man in the face. Did you do it?" "Certainly not. I hit him on the nasal projection thereto." AS CASEY SAW IT. "Mike, ye'ar drunk," said Casey, reprovingly; "and don't yez wabble around here denyin' it. If yez war sober, ye'd have sinse enough to know yez war drunk." AS GOOD AS HE SENT. A drummer for a wholesale paper-house once called on the editor of the Chinese Daily World, San Francisco, and, thinking to have some fun with the editor, who was attired in American clothes, asked: "What kind of a 'nese' are you? A Japanese or a Chinese?" The Oriental editor, noted for his courtesy and cleverness, smiled blandly, as he responded: "Before I answer, will you kindly inform me the kind of a key you are — whether you are a monkey, a donkey, or a Yankee ?" The San Francisco Wasp, in publishing this story, says the drummer fled in dismay. 250 WIT AND HUMOR BOTH HAD HEARD THINGS. An actor was introduced to a merchant who was reputed to be very wealthy, but stingy. A few days ~ r ^r their meeting, the actor received this note from the rich man: "I hear from many sources that your performance is excel- lent. Will you kindly send me two passes for any night next week?" The actor sent the following reply: "I hear from many sources that your wealth is great. Will you kindly send me two thousand dollars any time next week?" HIS FAME CAME EARLY. One boy was ridiculing another for his big ideas as to what he proposed to do when he became a man, when a third spoke up : "Oh, yes; but they'll never name any towns after you." "They've already named one after you," was the retort — "Marblehead, New York." TOOK EFFECT AT ONCE. A dinner was given in honor of a politician who was about to depart for Europe. A minister and his wife were among the invited guests. During the conversation, the guest of honor re- marked that, since he was going abroad, he had made his will, and, turning to the preacher, said : "My reverend friend, I have bequeathed to you my complete stock of impudence." "Sir, you are not only very kind, but generous. You have left me by far the largest portion of your estate," was the astonishing reply. The minister's wife immediately added, speaking to her hus- band: "My dear, you have come into possession of your inheritance remarkably soon." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 2^1 COULDN'T STUMP MIKE. The Irishman's eyes twinkled with mischief as he entered a shop where a notice was displayed stating that nearly everything there was sold by the yard. 'Til take a yard of milk," said he to the shopman. Wrinkling his brow for a moment, and dipping his finger in a bowl of milk, he drew a line a yard long on the counter. By this time several other persons had come in, and all watched the proceedings with keen interest, wondering what Mike would do. Without moving a muscle, he asked the price. "Five cents," said the shopman, confidently. "All right, sor. Roll it up, and Oi'll take it." GOOD LOGIC. "Mamma, when I was at grandma's yesterday, she let me have fruit-tart twice." "Well, she should not have done so. I think once is enough for little boys. The older you grow, the more wisdom you will gain." Silence did not reign long before the boy came back with this : "Well, ma, grandma is a great deal older than you." TIME ENOUGH THEN. "Pat, when are you going to place your whiskers on the reserve list?" inquired a friend, of an Irish sailor. "When you place your tongue on the civil list," answered Pat, with a twinkle in his eye. WONDERFUL WHEN A BABE. "Young man," said the pompous individual, "I did not always have this carriage. When I first started in life, I had to walk." "You were lucky at that," chuckled the youth; "when I first started in life, I couldn't walk," 252 WIT AND HUMOR OUT OF HIS LINE. "You say the prisoner had been drinking?" asked the judge; "drinking what?" "Whiskey, I think." "You think? Don't you know the smell of whiskey? Aren't you a judge?" "No, your Honor; only a policeman." GIVEN A CHANCE. An Irishman, known for his wit, was invited to a dinner party, in the hope that he would help to amuse the guests. Sus- pecting that the invitation did not come as a mark of respect, he preserved serious silence. The host thought this very strange, and remarked to him: "Why, old fellow, I don't believe the biggest fool in town could make you laugh to-night." "Try it," was the cutting rejoinder. GAVE HER GOOD ADVICE. A portly lady had accidentally taken a rear seat reserved for smokers. With unconcealed indignation, she watched the man beside her fill his pipe, and finally said, in frigid tones : "Sir, smoking always makes me feel sick." "Does it?" said the man, as he struck a match on the sole of his shoe; "then, take my advice, lady, and don't smoke." NOT MUCH DIFFERENCE. "Aw, now," said the Englishman, "it must be very unpleasant for you Americans to be — aw — governed by people whom you — aw — wouldn't ask to dinner." "Oh, I don't know," said the self-reliant American girl; "no more so than for you to be governed by people who wouldn't ask you to dinner." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 253 FRESH AIR NEEDED. The street-car conductor examined the transfer and said: "This here transfer has expired, madam?" "No wonder," she said, endeavoring to hide her embarrass- ment as she dug out a nickel from her handbag, "with not a bit of ventilation in the whole car " 254 WIT AND HUMOR REVENGE. He who would drive another over three dykes must climb over two himself. — Hans Andersen. WHICH THE WORSE? "Don't you care for any post-cards to-day?" asked the clerk at the post-office, as he handed a man the stamp he had requested. "No, not to-day." "Or some stamped envelopes? We have some new ones." "No, thank you." "Would you like a money order?" "No; I couldn't use one." "Then, perhaps you would like to open a postal savings account?" By this time the man had reached the door and was walking angrily away. "Who was that man?" asked one of the other clerks; "and why did you ask him those questions?" "That," explained the first clerk, "is my barber. For years, when he has shaved me, he starts in asking me if I don't want a hair-cut, a shampoo, a face massage, or trying to sell me some hair tonic. He took the hint, all right. Now I'm even with him." LOOKING FOR HIM. Johnson: "I used to know Mr. Hook, who was with your firm as cashier. I understand he was a trusted and tried employe." Eberly: "Yes, he was trusted, and he'll be tried, too, if we succeed in catching him," _ FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 255 CRITICS SILENCED. A plainly dressed woman took a seat in a railway train in front of a newly married couple. Almost immediately they com- menced making remarks about her last year's hat and cloak. After standing it as long as she could, she turned her head, and, observing that the bride was considerably older than the groom, said, in perfectly calm tones: "Madam, will you please ask your son to close the win- dow?" The window was not the only thing that was suddenly closed. HOW HE GOT EVEN. She frowned on him and called him Mr. Because, in fun, he merely kr. And then in spite, the following night, The naughty Mr. kr. sr. — New York American. HE REMEMBERED. Teacher: "I understand that one of the boys called you a liar during recess. Did you remember what I had told you about a soft answer turning away wrath?" Boy: "Yes, ma'am. I answered him with a big, soft, rotten tomato, right on the nose ; and he turned away, all right." THE IMPORTANT THING. A young man who had been "given the mitten" called upon his former sweetheart and her husband a year or more after their marriage. The youRg wife welcomed him, and exclaimed: "Oh ! You must see the baby. He is just too cute for words," and, holding him up for inspection, continued : "Isn't he just the picture of his daddy?" The young man spoke, consolingly: "Well, I wouldn't let that worry me, if I were you, as long as he keeps healthy" 17 256 WIT AND HUMOR PLANNING HIS ATTACK. Two young bootblacks, with stands near each other, had quarreled. 'Til get even with de guy yet," vowed the smaller, in talking to a friend. "Goin' to fight him, are yer?" "Naw ! When he gets troo polishin' a gent's shoes, I'm goin' to step right up and say to de man, 'Shine, sir, shine'.'" APPROPRIATE SELECTIONS. Once in awhile the choirs do get it back at the ministers. In a Connecticut church the minister announced as his text, just after the choir had sung its anthem, "Now when the uproar had ceased." But when the singers rose at the close of the sermon, they rendered, in most hearty manner, the anthem beginning, "Now it is high time to awake after sleep." — Congregationafist. WHEN THE TRUTH IS TOLD. Jack: "I was just admiring Mabel's hair. It is, indeed, very pretty." Mabel's Rival : "Oh, she has some much prettier than that" THE CHANCE CAME. Delmarten delighted in showing a domineering spirit in the presence of those who served him, and on several occasions had aroused the secret determination of a waiter at the restaurant where he occasionally dined to get even with him, should the opportunity ever come. One day, while being served by this waiter, Delmarten said to him, angrily: "You are not fit to serve a pig!" "I'm doing my best, sir," said the waiter, with freezing courtesy. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 257 SILENCED FOR ONCE. A peddler rang the bell at the home of a crusty old maid. When she came to the door she spoke very unkindly, concluding : "And now you can be off. You can sell me nothing that would be of any use to me." The peddler, schooled by experience in his business, turned calmly away, saying: "No, mum, seeing that I am selling only mouse-traps and not muzzles, I don't see as there is, myself." WATCHED HER CHANCE. "Mr. Shepherd, your daughter has promised to marry me." "Humph! She said she'd get even with me when I refused to get her a Pekinese pup." 258 WIT AND HUMOR SARCASM. Man learns more readily and remembers more willingly what excites his ridicule than what deserves esteem and respect. — Horace. DIDN'T THINK IT POSSIBLE. A gaily gowned housemaid sat down by an acquaintance on a street-car, and at once said: "Hello, Sadie! Where you livin' now?" "Nowheres." "How's that?" "I'se married, chile!" "You ain't!" said the other, skeptically. "Sure I be. Look at that !" She held up her hand in triumph, and there was a shining new wedding-ring. Staring at it a moment, the other girl asked, in amazement: "Well, of all things! Who did you ever sting like that?" BORROWING TROUBLE. Some persons seem to think that no one can be trusted to carry out the simplest details without their personal supervision. One of these men, living in Europe, sailed for America, leaving in his brother's care a parrot of which he was very fond. All the way across the Atlantic he worried about the bird, and as soon as he landed in New York, sent .this cablegram to his brother : "Be sure and feed the parrot." And the brother cabled back as follows: "Have fed him, but he's hungry again. What shall I do next?" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 259 SHOULD INCREASE CAPACITY. An overland train stopped one day in the country. After it had been there a long time, the conductor sauntered through the smoking-car. "Say, Mr. Conductor, what's the matter with the train?" inquired a passenger. "We're taking on water." "Oh, we are, eh? Then, why don't you get another teacup?" BLIND OPTIMISM. A poor Jew, whose wife was sick in a London hospital, called the first evening and asked how she was getting along. He was informed she was improving. Next day he telephoned, and was told she was still improving. This went on for several days. Finally, one evening when he called, he was told that his wife had just died. Hurrying to the doctor, he said, with a world of sarcasm in his trembling voice : "Veil, Doctor, vat did she die of — imbrovementsf STRONG IMPRESSION. "As a matter of fact," said the lawyer for the defendant, "you were scared half to death, and didn't know whether it was a motor car or something resembling one that hit you." "It looked like one, all right," answered the plaintiff. "I was forcibly struck by the resemblance." MUST GET VERY COLD. A lady tourist in Yellowstone Park, who seemed deeply interested in the hot springs, inquired: "Mr. Driver, do these springs freeze over in winter?" "Oh, yes, quite frequently. A lady who was skating here last winter broke through the ice and scalded her foot very badly." 260 WIT AND HUMOR TOUGH ON THE BOARDER. A cook at a cheap lodging-house played a trick on a grumbling boarder by serving him with a piece of leather instead of beef- steak. "You have evidently changed your butcher," said the boarder, looking up at the landlady, after sawing a minute or two on the leather. "Same butcher as usual," said she, feigning innocence of the trick of the cook, of which she had been quietly informed; "why?" "Oh, nothing much," said the man, still trying to make an impression on the leather ; "only this piece of meat is the tender- est I've had here for some time." DIDN'T ORDER SOON ENOUGH. "How long has this restaurant been open?" asked a would-be diner. "Three months," said the proprietor. "I'm sorry I didn't know it," said the guest. "I should be better off if I had come here then." "Yes," smiled the proprietor, much pleased; "how is that?" "I should probably have been served by this time," said the man, as he got his hat and started for the door. NOW MUST PAY FOR IT. On arriving at port, a sea captain and his mate went ashore, and made for the nearest restaurant. They ordered soup. When it was served, the captain examined the fluid and called out: "Here, waiter, what is this?" "Soup, sir; that's what you ordered." "Soup," said the captain, turning to his mate; "blame me, Bill, if we haven't been sailing on soup all our lives and didn't know it." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 2(A A SOFT ANSWER. The professor had reproved his students for coming late to class. "This is a class in English composition/' said he, "and not an afternoon tea." At the next meeting one of the girls was twenty minutes late. The professor waited until she had traversed the length of the room and found her seat, then bitingly remarked: "How will you have your tea, Miss Judson?" "Without the lemon, if you please," she gently answered. MUST HAVE BEEN GOOD. Mr. Tucker had unexpectedly come face to face with Mr. Cutting, from whom he had frequently borrowed money. "Er — aw — what was the denomination of the bill you loaned me?" he asked, nervously. "Episcopalian, I guess," said Mr. Cutting; "at any rate, it keeps Lent very well." IGNORANCE CRUELLY EXPOSED. "One of our esteemed contemporaries," said Punch, "is much worked up about Mr. Balfour's foreign policy, which it compares to that of the camel, which, when pursued, buries its head in the sand. We quite agree, but fear our contemporary is getting its metaphors mixed. Surely it is not thinking of the camel, which, when pursued, buries its head in the sand, but of the ostrich, which, when pursued, runs its eye through a needle." EVER-PRESENT HELP. "I kept my head when I fell into the water," said the young man, proudly. "How fortunate," replied Stella; "it must have helped you so nicely to float." 262 WIT AND HUMOR HAD NO BOTTLE. "Mr. Porter !" a loud voice called from one of the upper berths on an overland train, "have you a corkscrew?" The porter came hurrying along, and said to him in a scan- dalized tone : "Boss, we don't allow no drinking in de berths. It's agin de rules, suh." "Oh, it ain't that," the man answered, in disgust. "I just want to dig one of your pillows out of one of my ears — it's sort of worked its way in, and I don't want to lose it." NOT ALL A JOKE. A stranger in Boston, who was having a hard time finding a certain street, was accosted by another stranger who happened to be hunting the same street, so said to him : "Let's work together. You go south and I'll go north, and we'll report progress every time we meet." SHE SHOWED NO MERCY. Robert: "I can trace my ancestry back through nine gener- ations." Luella: "What else can you do?" Then he blinked and looked at her in a most pitiful manner. BEAT AT HIS OWN GAME. "These are awfully small apples you have," said a man with mischief in his eye, as he stepped up to a fruit-stand kept by an old Irishwoman, and placed his hand on one of her water- melons. Deliberately surveying him from head to foot, she said, pityingly : "Ye must be a shtranger here, sor, when ye can't tell apples from gooseberries." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 263 AND WHY NOT? Tucked away in the midst of the Congregationalisfs advertis- ing column of "Wants" appeared the following sarcasm on the prevailing fondness for young preachers over old ones: "Wanted — For a community of sick people, a doctor. No man over thirty-five need apply. If bald-headed, do not waste stamps. A long and varied and successful experience in medicine of little importance. Must be young. Address G., care of the Congregationalist, 52, Boston, Mass." STILL BELLIGERENT. "Well," said the husband, anxious to patch up the quarrel of the day before, "aren't you curious to know what's in this package ?" "Not very," replied the wife, indifferently. "It's something for the one I love best in all the world," he went on. "Perhaps those suspenders you said you needed." APPRECIATED THE FAVOR. A patronizing young man, seated opposite a famous scientist at a dinner, adjusted his monocle and leaned toward the great man, saying: "Aw, y' know, Mr. Merriwell, I passed your house this mawning." "Thank you ; thank you very much," was the quiet response. QUICKLY CLASSIFIED HIM. The big man, who was plainly an egotist, sneeringly watched a small man, who was eating peanuts, and said to him: "Down where I come from we use peanuts to fatten hogs." "That so? Here, have some," said the other, promptly ex- tending his sack. 264 WIT AND HUMOR HAD NO USE FOR THEM. Young Man (entering sanctum) : "Good morning, Mr. Editor. I sent you some ideas as to how to make your paper more gener- ally interesting. Have you carried out any of them?" Editor: "Did you meet the office-boy with the waste-basket as you came upstairs?" "Yes, yes, I did." "Well, he was carrying out your ideas/' said the editor, resuming his work. LIKE QUESTION, LIKE ANSWER. "Had a puncture, my friend?" asked the passerby, with an air of interest. The chauffeur looked up, and swallowed his feelings with a huge gulp, as he answered : "No, sir. I'm just changing the air in the tires." COULD YOU BLAME HIM? A soldier, whose head and face were heavily swathed in bandages, and who obviously had had a serious injury, was ap- proached by a solicitous woman visitor in the hospital, who said to him: "And were you wounded in the head, my poor man?" "No, ma'am," was the reply, "I was wounded in the ankle, but the bandages slipped." BEAST WAS IN EVIDENCE. The landlord of a small country inn was sitting by the fire, when the door opened and a loud-voiced young fellow called out: "Hello, granddad! Get a move on you! Don't sit around here like an old woman. I want accommodation for man and beast." "Where's the man?" asked the landlord, with cool sarcasm. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 265 WOULDN'T ATTEMPT THE TASK. A car stopped on Broadway in New York, and the conductor looked inside. No one got up, so he walked along the aisle and spoke to a man who was reading: "Didn't you tell me you wanted the Woolworth building? Well, come out and get it. I can't bring it in to you." 266 WIT AND HUMOR SCHOOL-DAYS. 'Tis education forms the common mind; Just as the twig is bent the tree's inclined. — Pope. THE TRICKSTER CAUGHT. "To my mind, children are not so observing as they used to be," said a member of the School Board to a teacher whose class he was visiting; "and, to prove it to you, I'll just try a little experiment, if you don't mind." "Certainly; it's all right. Go ahead." Turning to the class, the committeeman said: "Some one of you please give me a number." "Thirty-seven," responded one of the girls. He wrote "73" on the board. Nothing was said about it. Then he called for another number. "Fifty-seven," was given. This he wrote on the board as "75," and smiled knowingly at the teacher when still nothing was said by any member of the class. He called for a third number, and fairly gasped for breath at the indignation manifested by a small red-headed boy, who sang out: "Seventy-seven! Now, see if you can change that!"- SIMILAR, BUT DIFFERENT. "What is a man-of-war?" asked the teacher. "A cruiser," was the prompt reply. "What makes it go?" "Its screw, sir," again answered the bright boy. "Who goes with it?" "Its crew, sir." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 267 KNEW FROM EXPERIENCE. The trustees of the little rural school were paying their dreaded annual visit, and the primary class was being examined in nature study. "Now, children," said the nervous young teacher, holding up an apple-blossom, "what comes after this flower?" "Bees !" sang out one little fellow, while others answered, correctly, "A little green apple." Feeling that the worst was over, the teacher confidently ven- tured another question: "And now, Robert, can you tell us what comes after the little green apple?" "Yes'm," he said, with the utmost sincerity ; "stomach ache !" LAY ON, MACDUFF!" In a school in the north of England, says a British paper, the teacher received the following note from the mother of one of the boys: "Dear Miss: — You write me about whipping Sammy. I give you permission to beet him eny time it is necessary to learn him lessons. He is jest like his father — you have to learn him with a club. Pound noledge into him, if he won't get it any other way. I want him to get it — and don't pay no attenshun to what his father may say. I'll handle him myself." STATING A FACT. The teacher, after telling her class that an iron bridge would expand several inches in hot weather, and contract a like amount in cold weather, asked if any of them could give another instance of the effect of heat and cold. Here was the most interesting answer she received: "In hot weather the days are long, and in cold weather they are much shorter." 268 WIT AND HUMOR HE COULDN'T SEE IT. Orrin was sent to study mathematics, and the teacher told him it was a true science. "For instance," she said, "it takes one man twelve days to build a house, then twelve men can build it in one day." "And if one ship can cross the Atlantic in twelve days, twelve ships ought to cross it in one day. I don't believe it," said Orrin, "and I'm not going to study mathematics." SOLVING THE PROBLEM. The teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood, and, in order to make the matter clearer, said : "If I should stand on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face. Then, why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" "'Cause your feet ain't empty!" shouted one of the boys. BOTH ASKED QUESTIONS. The president of the Board of Education visited the schools during his spare time, one of which was near a railway line. While listening to a class of girls in a reading lesson a train went by. He attracted the attention of one of the girls and asked her: "Did you unconsciously raise your voice as the train passed?" "If I was unconscious of it, how could I tell?" she replied. HONEST CONFESSION. Boy's Composition on Soap: "Soap is a kind of stuff made into nice-looking cakes that smell good and taste awful. Soap pieces always taste the worst when you get it in your eyes. My father says the Eskimos don't never use soap. I wish I was an Eskimo." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 269 READY RESPONSE. The teacher was hearing the history class, and said to Elsie: "Mary followed Edward VI., didn't she?" "Yes, ma'am." "And who followed Mary?" "Her little lamb," was Elsie's triumphant answer. SELF-EVIDENT TRUTH. The teacher of a school in Illinois had sent a note home, with a pupil, asking her parents to buy her a grammar, and received the following answer: "Missus Teacher: — I do not desire that Jennie shall ingage in grammar, as I prefer her to ingage in more useful studies, and J can learn her to speak grammar myself. I went through two grammars, and can't say as they done me no good, anyhow." A YOUTHFUL SOLOMON. "Now, boys," said the teacher, "suppose there are five children in a family, and the mother has only four potatoes to divide among them. She wants to give each an equal share. What is she to do?" After quite a long silence, one boy who raised his hand was told to answer: "Mash the potatoes, sir," was his reply. PERMISSION TO SPEAK "Now, Tommy," said the teacher, severely, "how many times must I tell you not to snap your fingers? Put your hand down, and presently I will hear what you have to say." Three minutes later she asked: "Now, Tommy, what did you wish to say?" "There was a man in the entry, and he went out with your new silk umbrella," was the serene reply. 270 WIT AND HUMOR NO TIME FOR FOOLISHNESS. Five minutes after the tardy-gong had sounded, the principal saw a little fellow scampering toward the first-grade room. "See here, young man," said he, "I want to talk to you." "I ain't got time to talk to you. I'm late already," replied the breathless youngster, as he opened the door of his classroom. ETIQUETTE AND GRAMMAR. A seventh-grade boy had the following sentence in his gram- mar examination : "The horse and the cow is in the field." He was told to correct it, and to give his reason for any change he made. This is what he wrote : "The cow and the horse is in the field. Ladies come first." GOT AWAY FROM HIM. "John," said the teacher, "you shouldn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom." "I didn't mean to," he apologized. "I was smiling, and all of a sudden the smile busted on me." WELL NAMED. One day a young woman teacher took eight of her pupils through a museum of natural history. The mother of one of the boys asked him, upon his return home, where the teacher had been with them. "Oh," he answered, joyfully, "she took us to a dead circus." THICK OF THE FIGHT. A small boy handed in the following in an examination paper in United States history: "General Braddock was killed in the Revolutionary War. He had three horses shot under him, and a fourth went through his clothes." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 271 IN THE SOUP. A kindergarten teacher, after explaining to her much-inter- ested class that birds have feathers, bears have fur, sheep have wool, etc., asked the question: "Now, who can tell me what oysters have?" "Crackers!" eagerly called out a bright little girl. BOY FOUND ANOTHER. "The word 'reviver' spells the same backward or forward," said the teacher. "Can you think of another?" The serious boy looked up from his book, as he said: "Tut- tut !" And the class worked on in silence. SO THINK WE ALL. The new teacher was hearing the history lesson, which dealt with the career of George Washington. Turning to one of the scholars, she asked: "James, what was Washington's 'Farewell Address'?" "Heaven, ma'am," was the lad's confident answer. PLACING THE BOY. Teacher: "Now, children, name some of the lower animals, starting with Jerry Mitchell." IT WOULD BE GONE. During school one afternoon a violent thunder-storm arose, and, to lessen the fright of the children, the teacher began telling o£ the wonders of the elements. "And, now, Leslie," she asked, "why is it that lightning never strikes twice in the same place?" "Because, after it hits once, the same place ain't there any more." 18 272 WIT AND HUMOR WANTED THEM BALANCED. A note sent by a mother to the teacher of her small son : "Pardon me for mentioning it, but you have pulled Henry's right ear until it is getting longer than the other. Please pull his left ear for awhile, and oblige his mother." TELLING THE TRUTH. "Mamma," complained little Clara, "I don't feel very well." "That's too bad, dear. Where do you feel the worst?" "In school, mamma." NEW USE FOR HYPHEN. The teacher in one of the lower grades was instructing the pupils in the use of the hyphen, and among other examples was that of "bird-cage." "Now, Lewis," said she, encouragingly, to one of the boys, 'tell me why we put a hyphen in 'bird-cage.' " "For the bird to sit on, I guess," was the surprising answer. THE FACE SAFE. In an Indianapolis school a teacher asked her pupils which was most important, to keep the face or the teeth clean, and why. One boy answered, after some hesitation : "Your teeth ; 'cause they'll rot off, and your face won't." TOTAL WAS ALL RIGHT. Sammy was not very good in his studies, hence his mother was both surprised and delighted when he bounded into the house upon his return from school, calling out that he got a hundred in his examination. "That's lovely," said his mother. "What was it in?" "Fifty in reading and fifty in 'rithmetic," he answered, proudly. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 273 PERHAPS DESERVED IT. On the last day of school prizes were distributed. When Harry returned home, his mother was entertaining callers. "Well," inquired one of the visitors, "did you get a prize?" "No, but I got horrible mention." THE BOY KNEW. "Who can tell me where is the home of the swallow?" the teacher asked a class. "I kin," said Horace, proudly; "it's the stummick." ACCORDING TO SOUND. In an effort to give her pupils some idea of the relative size of distant countries, the teacher said : "Cambodia is about as large as Siam." This is how it appeared later, in a written exercise by one of, the girls: "Teacher says Cambodia is about as large as she is." BELIEVED IN PREPAREDNESS. Waldo had just returned home, after a most tumultuous day at school. "What lesson," inquired the father, "was most impressed on you to-day by the teacher?" "That I need a thicker pair of pants," was the sincere response. LOOKS THAT WAY. A little girl in school was asked to define a frog, and did so in the following language : "A frog is a great big green bug, with its mouth always open, and it's aJways standing up in front and sitting down behind," 274 WIT AND HUMOR JUST LIKE HIM. "When did your boy pass his examinations?" "Don't know," replied Farmer Coggins, "but I reckon it must have been when nobody was looking." TEACHER STILL IN THE DARK. The O'Laughlin boys, Jerry and Mike, were the terror of the school-teacher. One day, after using every means within her power to induce them to study and to keep order, she impatiently asked : "Michael, what do you boys expect to be when you grow up?" "Irishmen, av course !" was the immediate reply. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 275 SPORTS. Better to play in sports for health unbought, Than pay the doctor for a nauseous draught. — Adapted from Dry den. DIDN'T EXCITE HER. Young Mrs. Scott was attending her first ball game. The home team was doing well that day, and for a time she patiently- endured her husband's shouts and brief explanations. But when, amid the cheering and howling crowd, he sprang from his seat and waved his hat around and around his head, then almost shat- tered it on the head of the fat man in front of him, Mrs. Scott exclaimed, in deep perplexity: "John, what on earth is the matter?" "Why," he answered, as soon as he could get his breath, "didn't you see the fielder catch that ball?" "Of course," said Mrs. Scott, in disgust. "I thought that was what he was out there for." SHE HAD HEARD OF THEM. Husband: "It was fearfully hot at the game this afternoon." Wife (sympathizingly) : "Why didn't you get one of those baseball fans they always have at the games?" "HOME, SWEET HOME." "And what is that man running for ?" asked Mrs. Hemingway of her husband soon after the game opened. "He's trying to get home." "Dear me! How lovely! He must be very fond of his family!" 276 WIT AND HUMOR THE GREATER FOLLY. One day at Little Rock, where the Detroit team was playing an exhibition game, old "Red" Donahue, who, in his day, was the sharpest-tongued man in baseball, was tossing them over and letting the Little Rock batters hit at will, to the great delight of the spectators. "Oh, Red, you're easy, easy, easy!" shrieked one very wild fan, who was getting on Red's nerves. "I'm not half as easy as you are," retorted Red. "You paid fifty cents to see me do it." — The American Boy. STOPPED THEM ALL. A young Irishman was sent by his backers to a neighboring city to box with an athlete living there. He was getting the worst of it, as his friends soon realized, and one of them cautioned him, saying: "Come, brace up, Jerry ! Stop more of those blows !" "Stop thim?" he cried, half in anger. "Stop thim? Do yez see any av thim gettin' by me?" NATIVE MODESTY. "Well, the Red Sox won the world series." "Yes," said the Boston girl, blushing; "we feel very proud of the Red— er— Red Hose." SCORE NINE TO ONE. "What're ye comin' home with your milk-pail empty for?" asked the farmer, of the chore-boy. "Didn't the old brindle give anything this evening?" "Yep," replied the boy, who had just come out from town, where he had been a member of the baseball team, "she gave nine quarts and one strike, so I thought I might as well make a home run." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 277 TOWN LOYALTY. Mrs. Diggs, at the ball game, became very much excited as the playing proceeded, and said, enthusiastically, to her husband : "Isn't our pitcher just grand! He hits the club nearly every time he throws the ball!" PLAYING THE GAME. It was during a golf game in Scotland. The first player who drove off was very bow-legged. The second player, unmindful that his opponent was directly in front of him, struck the ball, and it whizzed between the other's legs. "Hoot, mon," said the bow-legged man, with considerable temper, "that's nae golf!" "Ah, weel," said the striker, complacently, "if 'tis nae golf, 'tis gude croquet." HER IDEA OF A GAME. They did not reach the ball-grounds until the third inning, and he at once said to a fan: "What's the score?" "Nothing to nothing," was the reply. "Oh, goody!" exclaimed the girl. "We haven't missed a thing, have we, Charlie!" WHERE HE GOT IT. Coach: "Jones, you look like the 'find* of the season. The way you hammer the line, dodge, slug your man and worm your way through your opponents is marvelous. You must have played considerable, haven't you?" Candidate for Football Team: "No; it's my early experience. You see, mother used to take me shopping with her on bargain days." 278 WIT AND HUMOR STRATEGY. It takes ten pounds of common sense to carry one pound of learning. — Persian Proverb. TIME ENOUGH YET. A London paper tells of a woman who had brought suit against a man for breach of promise, making the positive claim that the defendant, who had married another, had previously- promised to marry her. Questioning her at the trial, the attorney for the defendant asked : "Did not this man promise to marry you when his father died? 5 ' "Yes," she slowly answered, apparently disturbed. "Is his father dead?" "No." By this time every one in the courtroom was aroused to a keen point of interest, and the defendant's attorney proceeded: "Your Honor, I claim a decision in favor of my client. The fact that he has married another woman, even after promising to marry this plaintiff when his father dies, is nothing against his rights in this case. His wife may die before his father, or afterwards, and he may outlive them both, when it will be time to fulfill his promise to this woman." WOULD COME BACK. "Beg pardon, ma'am," said the butler, seriously, "but your son has just eloped with the cook." "Yes, I know all about it. I put him up to it," replied Mrs. Mattox, cheerily. "She's the best cook we ever had, and I don't want to lose her." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 279 DODGING THE DUTY. Some Boston men, who bought a spring supplying a Canadian table-water, found themselves in a quandary when a tariff of twenty-five cents a gallon was imposed on the importation of the water into the United States. They wrote to a New York lawyer, and asked him how they could get around the law. He wrote back: "Freeze your water. Import it in cakes, and bottle it on this side of the border. There is no duty on ice." The scheme worked. — Tit-Bits. PREFERRED ONE TO TWO. Sammy's mother was tired of having her tablecloths stained, so instituted a fine of a penny for every spot. The very next day, during dinner, the boy was observed very busy rubbing hard on the cloth near his plate. "What on earth are you doing?" asked his mother, in sur- prise; "you'll soil the tablecloth." "Oh, no, I won't, mamma," replied the youngster, with sweet assurance. "I'm just trying to rub two spots into one." THE OLDER HUSBANDS KNOW. The young husband had been complaining to an older married man that he couldn't get his wife to mend his clothes, no matter how often he asked her. "You go at it wrong," said the other, knowingly. "Never ask a woman to do anything. For instance, if I want a shirt mended, I flourish it around and ask for the ragbag. Wife's suspicions are aroused at once, and she insists upon having the shirt, and I eventually hand it over. She looks at it, and, with a superior air, says, 'Why, John! This is a perfectly good shirt. All it needs is — ' Yes, sir; it will work every time, if you go at it right." 280 WIT AND HUMOR GOT UNANIMOUS RESPONSE. A colored preacher, who was about to call for a collection, said: "I doan' want no man to gib mo' dan his share, bredren, but we mus' all gib ercordin' to what we rightly hab — dat's jes' what I mean, bredren — rightly hab, 'kase we doan' want no tainted money in dis box. Dis leads me to 'splain dat some chickens is missin' dis week from 'Squire Jones' place, he told me. Now, if any ob our bredren hab fallen by de wayside wif dose chickens, he mus' gib nuffin' — nuffin', I say. Now, Deacon Smatt, pass de box, while I watches and sees if dere's any one in dis congre- gation dat needs de prayers ob de church in dis heah case." QUICK TO LEARN. Despite the chilly spring day, Wilbur was out playing without his coat on. This worried a neighbor, but her advice went unheeded. Finally she said: "Wilbur, if you go home and get your coat I'll give you a piece of cake when you come back." The bribe worked, and Wilbur got his coat and the cake. Next day, which was likewise very chilly, he knocked at the door of the kind-hearted woman and announced, significantly: "I ain't got my coat on to-day." RIGHT, BUT SOUNDED DIFFERENT. A man, upon boarding a train at a station and finding the best seats all taken, said, as he opened the door: "Why, this train isn't going." A general stampede ensued, and the man took a coveted seat. In the midst of the general indignation, later, he was asked: "Why did you say the train wasn't going?" "Well, it wasn't then," he replied, with a self-satisfied smile, "but it is now." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 281 SURE TO WORK. Two sailors at a dog-show were gazing intently upon a Skye terrier, which had so much hair that it looked more like a woolen rug than a dog. "Which end is its head, Bill?" asked one. "Blowed if I know," was the reply; "but I'll stick a pin in him, and you watch which end barks." "THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL." "If you take the fortress within a quarter of an hour," said Uncle Ned to his seven-year-old nephew, who was playing at war games with another small boy, "I'll give you a dime." Tommy (four minutes later) : "I've taken it. Give me the dime." Uncle Ned (producing the money) : "How did you manage it so soon?" "I gave Harry two cents, and he surrendered." PROMPT RESPONSE. "I come to you in behalf of a worthy cause, Mr. Skinner. We want to raise $100,000. A prominent philanthropist offers to contribute a quarter of that." "Good!" said Mr. Skinner, hastily. "I'll give another quarter. Can you change a half?" EXPLAINED IN DUE TIME. The game-keeper came suddenly upon two boys fishing, when one of them uttered a cry of fright and ran swiftly for some distance, but was finally caught. Resting a bit, he quietly pulled out a permit to fish on the estate. "Why did you run, then?" asked the amazed game-keeper. "To let my chum get away; he didn't have a permit," calmly explained the boy. 282 WIT AND HUMOR TAILOR WAS SAFE. "Here is that suit I bought of you last week," said the angry customer to the tailor. "You said you would return my money if it was not satisfactory." "That's what I said," responded the tailor, very politely, rub- bing his hands; "but I'm happy to tell you that I found the money entirely satisfactory." BETTER ALL AROUND. "Dat ol' man ob your'n is a purty good provider." "He shuah is. He wants to keep me busy occupyin' dis heah skillet as a utensil instid ob a weapon." A TIME FOR EVERYTHING. "Do you ever nag your husband?" one wife inquired of another. "Only when he is beating the rugs. When he is thoroughly Irritated, you see, he makes a much better job of it." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 283 SURPRISE. The surprising surprises once. The admirable is always more and more admired. — Joseph Joubert. NO DOUBT OF IT. "Where are you going, ma?" asked the youngest of five children. "To a surprise party, my dear." "Are we all going too?" "No, dear, you were not invited — just pa and I." After a few moments of deep thought, the little fellow said: "Mamma, then don't you think they'd be a lot more surprised if you'd take us all along?" BROKE ALL HIS RECORDS. Brown had returned after a convivial evening at a smoking- concert, where he had consumed more cigars and refreshments than was good for him. It was midnight, but he did not know it Just then the town-clock began to strike. Breathlessly he counted : "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve." At that very instant another clock began striking the mid- night hour, and on Brown counted: "Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nine- teen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty- f our !" By this time he was almost a nervous wreck, and, mopping his perspiring brow, exclaimed: "My gracious ! My word for it ! I've never been out so late before in all my life J" 284 WIT AND HUMOR IN FINANCIAL STRAITS. By mutual consent, Mr. Gribben and his wife agreed to have separate bank accounts, that she might issue checks herself. One day he came home with the statement: "Ma, your bank account is overdrawn. You've written checks for twenty-six dollars more than was in the bank." "The idea!" she cried. "If twenty-six dollars will break the bank, we'd better find another one to do business with. I sup- posed they had plenty of money on hand all the time." HAT SAFER THAN MEMORY. Flushed and breathless, the well-dressed young man picked up the hat he had been chasing down the street, and leaned against a lamp-post to rest. Another, also breathing heavily, came running up and took the hat out of his hand, saying: "I'm ever so much obliged to you." "For what, I'd like to know?" "Why, for catching my hat — this is mine." "Where's mine, then?" asked the other, in deep perplexity. "Hanging behind you at the end of a string." NEW AT THE BUSINESS. A man was arrested on the charge of robbing another of his watch and chain. It was claimed that he had thrown a bag over the victim's head, and strangled and robbed him. There was so little evidence, however, that the judge quickly said: "Discharged !" The prisoner stood still in the dock, amazed at being given his freedom so soon. "You're discharged," repeated the judge; "you can go — you're free." "Well," stammered the man, "do I have to give him back his watch and chain ?" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 285 BLINDED BY SURPRISE. An Irishman and an Englishman were out rabbit-hunting, when a hare suddenly darted out of a hedge. Mike, in amaze- ment, failed to fire. "Why didn't you shoot it?" demanded the other. "Shure, sor," was the reply, "it was all so suddint like, Oi didn't see it until it was out of sight." NOT LIKE THE OLD DAYS. Postmaster : "No, not much doing in town. Did you hear about Lem Higgins getting a telegram?" Farmer Mowbrey: "Not Lem? Well, by cracky! Beats all how the young fellers are forgin' to the front these days!" BOTH ASTONISHED. An English town council, after a protracted session, was desirous of adjourning for lunch. The motion to do so was opposed by the mayor, who thought that if the councilmen felt the stimulus of hunger the transaction of business would be much facilitated. At last a so ^what illiterate member arose and exclaimed : "I ham astonished, I ham surprised, I ham amazed, Mr. Mayor, that you will not consent to our stopping for lunch." "And I am surprised," responded the mayor, "that a man who has so much 'ham' in his mouth should want any lunch at all." AS A MATTER OF COURSE. A pedestrian, who was walking near an insane asylum, met a keeper with several harmless inmates, and asked one of them: "Where does this railroad go to?" indicating a track that ran near by. "Nowhere," said the inmate, scornfully; "we keep it here to run the trains on." 286 WIT AND HUMOR THE END OF THE SLIDE. One rainy morning a man slipped on the steps leading down to a subway station in New York, and, in spite of all he could do, slid to the bottom. About half-way down he struck a woman, and she fell back into his lap, completely taken by surprise. When he reached the bottom, she sat still, as if dazed and not knowing what to do, whereupon the man, himself much embarrassed by his predicament, said to her: "Madam, this is as far as I go." TWINS WIDELY SEPARATED. "Jimmie," said the office manager, "there's a vacancy on the staff, and I'm thinking of giving the place to your twin brother." "My twin brother?" echoed the office-boy, much puzzled. "Yes; the one I saw at the ball game when you were attend- ing your grandmother's funeral last Wednesday," said the man, smiling. "Oh — ah — urn; I'll go and fetch him," said Jimmie. "All right," added the manager; "and don't come back until you've found him." Jimmie has not yet returned. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 287 SUSPENSE. And when you stick on conversation's burrs, Don't strew your pathway with those dreadful urs. — O. W. Holmes. THE CAUSE OF IT ALL. "George !" she screamed. "My neck !" "What's the matter, dear?" "There's a pillarcatter— " "A what?" asked the frightened young husband. "A tapperkiller— " "What in the world do you mean? Tell me, quick!" "Oh, dear," she moaned, clutching him frantically; "a patter- killer! You know, George! A patterkiller !" "Oh!" said he, with great relief, and he proceeded to brush the future butterfly away. NATURAL CONCLUSION. A driver who was taking a party of tourists for a mountain ride had something wonderful to tell about nearly every mile of the way. When they had almost reached the top of a hill, one of the tourists inquired: "Anything remarkable about this hill, Mr. Driver?" "Only this," he said, meditatively; "a young lady and a gen- tleman once ascended it and never came back." "Why, that's terrible," said the tourist, half provoked to think that the driver might have failed to mention it; "what became of them?" "It is supposed they went down on the other side, sir," was the cool reply. 19 288 WIT AND HUMOR SOUNDED LIKE A BIG ONE. Filson was noted for telling big "yarns." One day he de- clared, very positively, to several listeners: "Fellows, I saw a strange thing yesterday — a duck swimming across the mill-pond and a kitten sitting on its tail." "Nonsense!" cried one. "What are you giving us?" called another. "It's the straight truth, fellows," he said, edging away. "Per- haps I should explain," he continued, as he prepared to beat a hasty retreat, "that the kittew was sitting on its own tail." THE EASIEST PART. "Just think of it ! A splendid dinner — soup, fish, entrees, two vegetables, sweets, and drink, all for twenty-five cents." "Wonderful! Where can you get it?" "Nowhere. But just think of it!" JUMPING AT CONCLUSIONS. An old German farmer entered the office of a wholesale drug- gist and said to the proprietor : "Mr. Becker, I have der schmall pox — " "Sakes alive! Mr. Schmidt!" exclaimed the druggist, as the office force scrambled over each other in their efforts to get out, "don't come any nearer ! Stop right there !" "Vot's der matter mit you fellers, anyhow?" quietly replied Schmidt. "I say, I haf der schmall pox of putter out in der wagon vot Mrs. Becker ordered last veek, already." WONDERFUL COMPOSURE. She laid the still, white form beside those which had gone before ; no sob, no sigh forced its way from her heart, throbbing as though it would burst. Suddenly a cry broke the stillness of the place — one single heart-breaking shriek; then silence; an- FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 289 other cry; more silence; then all was quiet but for a guttural murmur, which seemed to well up from her very heart. She left the place. She would lay another egg there to-morrow. AFRAID OF THE DOG. A man on his way home after dark saw a dog running toward him at full speed. Surmising that the animal was mad, he climbed a tree, and remained there the rest of the night, with the dog standing guard below. When daylight came he dis- covered that the dog was his own. Slowly and sheepishly he began to descend, the truth dawning upon him that he had done a very foolish thing. THE TRUTH AT LAST. "I called on Macklin last evening," remarked Mr. Orthcutt. "Did you have a pleasant time?" inquired his wife. "Yes, very. Macklin was beating his wife, but, of course, he stopped when I went in." "Well, I should hope so !" "I begged him to go on, but he said some other time would do just as well." "You begged him to go on? Why, Tom Henry Orthcutt!" "Why, yes. I didn't want to spoil the fun, you know." "Oh, you brute! You horrible brute!" "Eh? You speaking to me?" "Yes, sir, I'm speaking to you. Do you mean to say you could have looked on calmly while he beat his wife?" "Certainly. Why not, I'd like to know?" "I thought you had at least a spark of manhood left. I sup- pose you'll be beating me next!" "Yes, I think I could if you would play cards with me. That's what Macklin and his wife were doing." "You horrid, mean thing V— Tit-Bits. 290 WIT AND HUMOR SUSPICION. There is no believing a liar, even when he speaks the truth. — JEsop. AS SHE SUSPECTED. A woman with an anxious expression called at an insurance office and said to one of the agents: "I understand that for five dollars I can insure my house for $1,000 in your company." "Yes," was the reply, "and if your house burns down we pay you $1,000." "And," continued the woman, "do you make any inquiries as to the origin of the fire?" "Certainly; we make the most careful inquiries." "Oh," said she in disappointment, as she turned to leave, "I had an idea there might be a catch in it somewhere." TOO MUCH SUPPOSITION. The new reporter on the Daily Mail was told by the editor to never state as a fact anything he was not certain about; that this was a precautionary measure against libel suits. "In such cases," said the editor, "use the words alleged, claimed, reputed, rumored, and so on." But, when the following production of his appeared in print, he was promptly discharged : "It is rumored that a card party was given yesterday at the home of Mrs. Higgins, to a number of reputed ladies. It is alleged that the guests were served with punch and sandwiches. Mrs. Higgins claims to be the wife of the well-known merchant by that name." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 291 BURGLAR KEPT HIS WORD. "Did you notice any suspicious character about the neighbor- hood?" the judge inquired of the new policeman. "Sure, your Honor. I saw one man, and asked him what he was doing there at that time o' night, and he sez to me that he expected to open a jewelry store in that vicinity later on. At that, not wishing him to think I suspicioned him of anything, I sez to him, 'I wish you success, sor.' " "Yes," said the judge, in a tone of deep disgust, "and he did open one in that vicinity later on, and stole seventeen watches." "Begorra!" exclaimed the officer in astonishment, "he may have been a thafe, but he was no liar!" THE GOLDEN RULE FOR GREEN. The Greens called at the home of the Browns, and found the head of the family absent. "Oh, Mr. Green," said Mrs. Brown, somewhat suspiciously, during the conversation, "I want to ask you something. I was looking through my husband's desk this afternoon, and found some of the queerest tickets you ever saw. One was marked 'Mudhorse, 8 to 1 ;' another was marked 'Getaway, 10 to 1/ and so on like that. What do you suppose they mean?" "Your husband is probably making a study of archaeology/' said Green, "and those queer-looking tickets you found are un- doubtedly relics of a lost race." POOR OUTLOOK FOR LIGE. Georgia Lawyer to Colored Prisoner: "Well, Lige, so you want me to defend you. Have you any money?" "No; but I'se got a mule, a few chickens, and a hog or two." "Those will do very nicely," said the lawyer. "Now, let's see; what do they accuse you of stealing?" "Oh, jes' a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two." 292 WIT AND HUMOR SUSPECTED A LIVE ONE. "Behind the altar," said the conceited cathedral guide to a party of visitors, "lies Richard II. In the churchyard outside lies Mary, Queen of Scots." Then, stopping near an unmarked flagging in the stone floor, he continued: "And who do you think is lying here?" "Well," answered one of the men, with a bored air, "I don't know, but I have my suspicions." CAUTIOUS ANSWER. Judge: "Have you ever seen the prisoner at the bar?" Witness: "Never, your Honor, but I've seen him when I've strongly suspected he'd been there." VERY LIKELY. A colored man went from a plantation to the city, and when he returned possessed a diamond of unusual size and luster. The overseer, in the presence of several of the men, asked him : "Sambo, is it a real diamond?" "Now look heah, boss," the negro answered, proudly, "if it ain't, I'se been skun out of half a dollah, suh." A MUDDLED CASE. "That's a swell umbrella you carry. Did you come by it honestly?" "I haven't quite figured it out yet. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice umbrella, and I thought if he was going as far as my house I would beg shelter, so I stepped out and asked, 'Where are you going with that umbrella, young man?' and he dropped it and ran helter- skelter." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 293 CLOSE TO THE MARK. A witness insisted that a certain person, who was incidentally connected with the case in hand, was absent-minded. The prose- cuting attorney therefore pressed him for an illustration of what he meant by absent-mindedness. "Well," said the witness, cautiously, "I should say that a man who thought he had left his watch to hum, an' took it outn' his pocket to see if he had time to go hum to get it — why, I should suspect that feller was absent-minded-like." QUITE DIFFERENT. Young Aspirant: "I have called to see if I may count on your support." Practical Citizen : "That depends, young man, on whether you are a candidate for office, or want to marry my daughter." THE REPORTER'S GUESS. "The slimmest show I ever had of getting a fee," said a lawyer to a newspaper man, "was when a client came to me with no other asset than a watch without any works in it." "I suppose you took the case," commented the reporter. IT MAY BECOME TRUE. Two negroes listened in amazement while some planters dis- cussed the long range of modern guns. "Dar, now," said one, after hearing of the havoc wrought by a forty-two centimetre shell, "jes' like I been tellin' yo' niggahs all de time! Why, us coons could start a-runnin' — run all day, git mos' home, and den get kilt jes' 'fore suppah." "Dat's de truf," assented his companion; "and let me tell yo' sumpin* else: all dem guns needs is jes' yo* address — dat's all; jes' gib 'em de address, an' dey'll get yo' mos' eb'ry time— yes, sah!" 294 WIT AND HUMOR PUT IT QUEERLY. Departing Guest: "You've got a pretty place here, Frank; but it looks a bit bare yet." Host: "Oh, it's because the trees are a bit young. I hope they will have grown to a good size before you come again." WORRIED ABOUT HIM. Farmer (bursting into the village inn) : "By jinks, Si, the bones of a prehistoric man has been found on Jim White's farm." Innkeeper : "Great gosh ! I hope Jim'll be able to clear hisself at the coroner's inquest." MADE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE. "You've made a mistake in your paper," said an indignant young man, entering the editorial office of a daily paper. "I was one of the competitors in that athletic match yesterday, and you have referred to me as 'the son of the well-known lightweight- champion.' " "Well, aren't you?" inquired the editor. "No; nothing of the kind. Father has never had anything to do with athletics, and it's mighty embarrassing to us both, as he's a coal merchant." HAD BEEN LOOKING. "Mother," said Ralph, after a full week of obedience, "have I been a good boy lately?" "Yes, dear, a very good boy indeed." "And do you trust me?" "Why, of course mother trusts her little boy. Why do you ask?" "Because," said the boy, skeptically, looking her in the face, "if you trust me like you say, why do you keep on hiding the jam and things?" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 295 QUICK TO CATCH ON. "Carl," said a restaurant manager to a waiter, "why did that man from table No. 7 leave so suddenly?" "Well, sir," said the waiter, "after sitting down he called for sausages, and I told him we were out of them, but if he would wait a few minutes I'd get the cook to make some. When I went to the kitchen and called out the order, I accidentally stepped on the dog's tail, and, of course, it yelped. The man got up right away, sir, and ran out," 296 WIT AND HUMOR TALENT. Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak ones. — Caleb C. Colton. TOOK A CHANCE. "Ain't you rather young to be left in charge of a drugstore?" asked a fidgety woman. "Perhaps. What can I do for you?" "Don't you know you might poison some one?" "There is no danger, madam. What can I do for you?" he patiently inquired the second time. "Well, you may give me a two-cent stamp ; but it doesn't look right for you to be in such a responsible position." VERY CAPABLE. A clergyman, having advertised for an organist and song leader, received this reply: "I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and choirmaster, either lady or gentleman. Having been both for several years, I beg to apply for the position." THE REPORTER KNEW. "See here," said the editor, savagely, to the new reporter, "you're the idiot who reported that recruiting ball, aren't you? Well," and he pointed indignantly to the printed page, "just look what you've written : 'Among the prettiest girls present was Colonel Cooley.' He's a man, isn't he, you flathead?" "He may be," quietly replied the new reporter, with the assurance of one who knows his ground, "but that's where he was, all right." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 297 HIS POINT OF VIEW. "Mike, didn't you tell me once you have a brother who is a oishop?" asked the contractor. "Yes, sor, I did that." "And here you are a hod-carrier. Well, things of this life are not equally divided, are they, Mike?" "No, sor," replied the Irishman, shouldering his hod and starting up the ladder; "indade they is not. Poor felly! He couldn't do this to save his loif e, sor !" PLENTY OF ROOM. "Yes, father, now that I have graduated, I must choose a large field, where my talents can be used to the best advantage." "Son," replied the hard-working father, "I've counted on that; you can have the ten-acre cornfield all to yourself." A PROPHECY. Griffin : "Do you know, I fancy I have quite a literary bent ?" Friend: "All right, my boy. Keep on, and you'll be worse than bent — you'll be broke." GETTING INTO CLASS. Senior Partner : "That new lady shorthand clerk who types your letters spells ridiculously." Junior Partner: "Does she? Well, if she does, it's about the only word of more than one syllable she can spell, so far as my observation goes." WOULD PRODUCE RESULTS. Poet: "What do you think of this little poem of mine, 'She Would Not Smile'?" Editor : "I think if you had read it to her she would undoubt- edly have smiled." 298 WIT AND HUMOR RISKY BUSINESS. A colored man was brought before a police judge charged with stealing chickens. He pleaded guilty and received sentence, when the judge asked him how he managed to lift those chickens out, right under the window of the owner's house, when there was a dog in the yard. "It wouldn't be no use tryin' to 'splain it to yo'," he said to the judge; "if yo' should try dat, yo'd shuah git cotched at it." TO BE AVOIDED. "I suppose you have high ambitions for your boy?" "Well, I wouldn't exactly say that, but I do hope he won't turn out to be the male assistant to a female dancing-teacher." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 299 TEMPERANCE. Temptation is from within. It is the beer inside of a man that wants to get the beer that is outside inside. — Newton H. Riddell. NO PLACE LIKE IT. A visitor in the slums of a large city asked the wife of a hard drinker why she did not keep her husband away from the saloon. "Well," she answered, in a discouraged tone, "I have done my best, but he will go." "Why don't you make your home look more attractive?" "I'm sure I've tried hard to make it home-like, ma'am. I've took up the parlor carpet, and sprinkled sawdust on the floor, and put a beer barrel in the corner. But it ain't made a bit of difference, as I can see." NOT TO BE ANNIHILATED. "I tell you, Michael," said the priest, "whiskey is your worst enemy, and you should keep as far away from it as you can." "My inimy, is it?" responded Mike; "and it was only last Sunday yez was a-tellin' us to love our inimies !" "So I was, Michael," said the priest, "but was I anywhere telling you to swallow them?" THEY GO TOGETHER. "Bottles and rags! Bottles and rags!" called the ragman, as he passed along the street. "Why do you always put those words together?" asked a passer-by. "Because, madam," said the man, courteously touching his hat, "wherever you find bottles you find rags." 300 WIT AND HUMOR THE DIFFERENCE. "Well," said a saloon-keeper, to an old friend, "I see you've been up to the tabernacle and given the evangelist your last nickel; now you'll have to walk home." "Yes," replied the man, with a satisfied air ; "and many a time I've given you my last nickel and couldn't walk home." THE WORKMAN'S WORD. Visitor (sampling new brand of beer) : "Really, this is splen- did stuff. They say that it's both meat and drink." Workman: "That's right; and if you take plenty, it'll find you lodgings too." MIGHT GET HIM TO STOP. "Do you take any periodicals?" asked the new minister, on his first round of parish visits. "Well, I don't myself," replied the woman, "but my husband takes 'em frequent. I do wish you could get him to sign the pledge," FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 301 THOUGHTFULNESS. The male bird amuses the female with his songs during the whole time of her sitting. — Addison. RATHER DOUBTFUL. A teacher was examining a class of boys, and said: "Now, boys, what do you think Noah did while he was in the ark?" After waiting several minutes, one little fellow raised his hand and answered: "He might have fished some of the time." "Yes," said the teacher, "that is possible." Almost instantly another boy put up his hand and said, earnestly : "I don't think he could fish very long with only two worms." IF WE WERE AS WISE. "A smart old owl lived in an oak. The more he saw the less he spoke. The less he spoke the more he heard. Why can't we be like that old bird?" VERY PLEASANT ABOUT IT. "Happy" Jergens was very serious when he called on the beautiful Miss Waller for about the fortieth time, determined to know his fate. After much beating around the bush, trying to lead up to the subject, he finally blurted out: "Could you — do you think you could marry a man like me?" After a minute or two of deep study, she replied, in the sweetest way imaginable: "Why, yes ; that is, if he wasn't too much like you," 302 WIT AND HUMOR LOOKING TO THE FUTURE. One of the flower-girls, at a school party attended by the Queen-Mother, put up her wee mouth for a kiss when Her Majesty came along, and was not disappointed. "Molly!" gasped her astonished mother, "how could you do such a thing?" "I fought," said the little girl, sweetly, "it 'ud be so interestin' to tell my gran'children." APPETITE BOTHERED HIS BRAIN. "Tommy, you appear to be in deep thought," said Mrs. Tebbs, to her neighbor's son, who had called ; "may I ask what you are thinking about?" "Yes'm; ma told me something to say if you asked me to have some cake, or something, and I plum forgot what it was." NO FLIES ON THIS BOY. The family expected to leave town on the two o'clock train, so the mother urged the children to do everything possible toward getting ready before luncheon. With the eating over and the wraps going on, the mother said : "Edward, you didn't brush your teeth." "Oh, yes, mother," he replied, proudly, "we were all in such a hurry I brushed 'em before we ate." PUNCTURED HIS TIRES. "Why," said the minister, in teaching a Sunday-school class, "does a bride wear white at her wedding?" As no one answered, he went on : "White stands for joy, and the wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman's life." Then a small boy spoiled it all by asking: "Why do the men all wear black?" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 303 COULD SOLOMON HAVE DONE BETTER? In Missouri a man who died left seventeen mules and three sons. In his will he disposed of the mules as follows: one-half to the eldest, one-third to the next, and one-ninth to the youngest. The administrator, who went to divide the property, drove a span of mules out to the farm of the deceased. Finding it im- possible to divide the seventeen mules into halves, thirds and ninths, he unhitched one of his own, putting it with the other seventeen, making eighteen, which he proceeded to divide as follows : One-half to the eldest son, one-third (or six) to the next son, and one-ninth (or two) to the youngest. Adding up nine, six and two, he found it made seventeen, so hitched up his own mule and went home, rejoicing that he had complied strictly with the terms of the will. POINTERS FOR HUSBANDS. They were discussing the North American Indian in a rural school, when the teacher asked if any one could tell what the leaders of the tribes were called. "Chiefs," answered one bright little girl. "Correct. Now, can any of you tell me what the women were called?" There was silence for some time, and then a small boy fran- tically waved his hand for recognition. "Well, Frankie?" said the teacher. "Mis-chiefs," he announced, proudly LUCKY FOR JOHN. Girl (reading letter from her brother at the front) : "John says a bullet went right through his hat without touching his head." Old Lady: "What a blessing he had his hat on, dear." 20 304 WIT AND HUMOR KINDNESS OVERDONE. Mistress (puzzled) : "Why have you put two hot- water bottles in my bed, Bridget?" "Sure, mum, wan av thim was leakin*, and I didn't know which, so I put thim both in to make sure." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 305 TRAPPED. The crime, not the scaffold, makes the shame. — Charlotte Corday. HOW SHE GOT HIM. When young Henshaw called one evening, he found Angeline apparently considerably worried, and almost her first words were : "Oh, Arthur, I had such a terrible dream last night." "Foolish little girl," said he, "to worry over a dream. Why, they always go by contrary, you know." "Oh, I'm so pleased to hear that!" she cried, much relieved. "Now, tell me, pet," said Henshaw, blindly, "what was this terrible dream?" "W-well, Arthur," she stammered, with a splendid assumption of shyness, "I dreamt I wasn't going to be Mrs. Henshaw." There was no help for it. Arthur simply had to "pop." SHARP PRACTICE INDEED. The story is told of a military officer, who made a wager with an athlete that he could not hop up a certain long flight of steps two at a time. The athlete made twenty hops, only to find he had lost the wager, as there were forty-one steps. He was indignant at what he called "sharp practice." "Indeed," said the officer, testily. "Well, I'll make the same wager that I can do it." Expecting to get even with him, the athlete assented, but lost again, as the officer, after going up forty steps in twenty hops, stepped back one, then finished in the manner prescribed, and won the wager. 306 WIT AND HUMOR HE LEFT IN HASTE. Hemple was always up to some mental gymnastics, but a new lawyer who had located in the town was not on to his tricks, so, when approached by the wag, greeted him in a strictly busi- nesslike way, saying : "What can I do for you?" "Just a little question," began Hemple, seriously; "I want to know if it's legal for a man to marry his widow's niece?" The attorney slowly expressed the opinion that such a mar- riage would be perfectly legal. Picking up his hat and stepping toward the door, the wag said, quite impressively : "I can't say as I share your opinion. As a rule in this coun- try, when a woman becomes a widow, her husband is dead, and how he could marry his widow's niece without rising from the grave is beyond me. Good day, sir!" SIZED IT UP QUICKLY. It was Sunday morning, and rain was falling. Jimmie asked his mother if they weren't going to Sunday school. "No, not to-day, dear," she answered; "it's too muddy, and raining too hard." "Well, mamma, it was raining harder than this yesterday, and we all went to the circus." The mother immediately made preparations to go. TWO OF A KIND. A small boy had been given a penny with a hole in it. Hand- ing it to a still smaller companion, he sent him into a store to buy something. The lad decided on a doughnut, and handed the penny to the clerk in payment. "Here, Jimmie." said the man, "this penny has a hole in it." "So has this doughnut!" said the boy, triumphantly, holding it up to view- FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 307 COULDN'T HELP HERSELF. The wife of a wealthy man was much troubled because he died without making a will. Wishing to get all the property herself, she concealed the news of his death, and persuaded a poor shoemaker to take his place until a will could be made. He was closely muffled in bed when the attorney came, and, in a feeble voice, bequeathed half of all the property to the widow. "What shall be done with the remainder?" asked the lawyer, solemnly, not observing the agitation of the woman. "The remainder," continued the man in bed, gasping, "I give and bequeath to the poor shoemaker, James A. Talbott, across the street. He has always been a good neighbor and a deserving man." The woman was almost dazed by the turn of affairs, but could say nothing without spoiling her own plot. THE WRONG SIGN. "Who was here to see you last night, daughter?" "Only Myrtle, father." "Well, tell Myrtle she left her pipe on the piano." HER CLEVERNESS WON. "Dearie," said the young married man, "I have to go to New York on important business. I will be gone only a day or so, and hope you won't miss me much." "I won't," the young wife replied, with firmness, "because I'm going with you." "Wish you could, dear, but it isn't convenient this time. I'm going to be too busy to be with you, and—" "Fmust go. I need clothes," she persisted. "But, darling, you can get all the clothes you want right here." "Thank you. Oh, you're so good, Charlie, dear. That's all I wanted!" 308 WIT AND HUMOR HAD HIM CORNERED. Husband : "You accuse me of reckless extravagance. When did I ever make a useless purchase?" Wife : "Why, that fire-extinguisher, for one thing. You bought it a year ago, and we've never used it once — not once." WHY HE TURNED BACK. The following fable, probably of Turkish origin, is not with- out a touch of truth : A woman, who was walking along a road, looked back, and saw a man following her. She asked him why he did so. "Because I have fallen in love with you," was his answer. "Why so? My sister, who is coming after me, is much hand- somer than I am. Go back and make love to her." The man turned back, and saw a woman with an ugly face. Much displeased, he hastened on to overtake the other, and said to her: "Why should you tell me a falsehood?" "Neither did you tell me the truth," she answered; "for, if you were in love with me, why did you go back for another woman ?" FOOD AND FLOWERS. An admiral had a very bright Chinese servant named Sam Kee. One day Sam asked permission to attend a funeral of a countryman. "All right," said the admiral, adding: "I suppose you'll put some food in the grave, as the Chinese usually do?" "Yes, sir," replied Sam, gravely. "Now, see here, Sam, when do you think your friend will eat the food you put in his grave?" "As soon as your dead friend that you buried last week will smell the flowers you put on his grave," answered Sam, cour- teously. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 309 THE PROOF AT HAND. "What a methodical fellow you are, Bobbett," said Rienfeld, who had stepped into the other's office during his absence. "What do you mean?" "To think you should lock all your drawers when you are out for only five minutes or so. It isn't likely anybody would meddle with your things." "Perhaps not; but how did you find out that the drawers were locked?" GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM. A man who stuttered was asked why he did so. "That's my p-p-peculiarity," he said. "Nearly everybody has s-s-some p-p-peculiarity." "You're mistaken. I have none," asserted the other. "Don't you stir your t-t-tea with your r-r-right hand?" "Yes; what of that?" "Well, that's your p-p-peculiarity. Most p-p-people use a s-s-spoon." MISPLACED FLATTERY. "Sorry I could not hear your lecture last night," said the loquacious lady. "I know I missed a treat. Everybody says it was just splendid." "That's strange," replied the college president, with coolness ; "the lecture was postponed until next Tuesday evening." PROFESSOR WAS WILY. Clerk: "You remember, don't you, that you said if I took your course I would soon be earning forty dollars a week? Yes, and here I'm getting only twenty." Professor: "But don't you honestly feel that you're earning forty? Most clerks think they earn twice as much as they get." 3]0 WIT AND HUMOR WORKED BOTH WAYS. A man, who was in the habit of buying his cigars in wholesale lots, conceived what he considered to be a bright idea. After purchasing twenty boxes, he had them insured. When he had smoked them all, he put in a claim for the insurance money. "Why, you have' had no fire at your house, have you?" in- quired the astonished agent. "No, but the cigars have been consumed by fire, even though I did smoke them," he answered ; "and I am entitled to the money, for the policy distinctly states that if the goods are destroyed by fire, money is to be paid upon application." After turning the matter over in his mind for a few minutes, the agent replied: "All right; if you insist on it, you'll get the money, in which case I'll have you arrested on the charge of incendiarism — setting fire to your own property." "Well, I'll be hanged!" was all the claimant said, as he slammed the door in his hurried exit. FOUND HIS MATCH. A neatly dressed bachelor stepped into the refreshment-room at a station where he was waiting for a train, and asked the good-looking girl with red hair, behind the counter, if she could oblige him with a match. "With pleasure, if you do not object to a red-headed one," she replied, with such a suggestive, demure smile that she aroused his interest immediately. And now they are happily married. THE SAME FOR BOTH. "Willie," said his mother, regretfully, "every time you are naughty I get another gray hair." "Well, mamma, you must have been a terror, then. Just look at grandma !" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 3H GOT HIM AT LAST. "I understand that after waiting twelve years she married a struggling young man." "Yes, poor chap. He struggled the best he knew how, but she finally landed him." DIDN'T WORK. "I'm awfully sorry that my engagements prevent my attend- ing your charity concert, but I will be with you in spirit. My heart is in that kind of work." "Good! And where would you like your spirit to sit? No extra charge for reserved seats. I have tickets here at a dollar, four bits and two bits." CONFESSED HIS IGNORANCE. "Speaking of riddles, uncle," said the bright boy, "do you Know the difference between an apple and an elephant?" "Why, no, Frank, I don't?" "Well, then, it wouldn't do to send you out to buy apples, would it, uncle?" 312 WIT AND HUMOR TRAVELING. A man knows his companions in a long journey or a little inn.— German Proverb. WHY THE TRAIN BACKED UP. Mrs. Jepson was not used to traveling, and had bothered the conductor by asking him several times how far it was to Taylor Junction. Becoming impatient, he said to her : "Madam, please ask me no more. I'll let you know when we get there." But it was just his luck to forget it until the train was nearly a mile beyond the station. He felt he could do but one thing, for the woman had finally placed implicit confidence in him. He immediately had the train stopped and run back to the little hamlet. Rushing up to Mrs. Jepson, he said, hurriedly: "Here we are, at Taylor Junction! Quick! I'll carry your bundles." "Oh, thank you," she said, very complacently, "but I'm not going to get off here. Daughter Jane said when I got to Taylor Junction it would be time for me to take another pill." ENJOYED HER TRIP. The London Times tells of an old Irish countrywoman, going to Dublin by train, who stepped into a first-class car and made herself comfortable. Just before the train started, the con- ductor passed along, and, noticing the woman and her big basket, said, gruffly: "Are you first-class, my good woman?" "Indade I am, thank you," she smilingly replied; "and how do yez feel yourself this marnin'?" FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 313 OF THE SAME MIND. It is said that amusing situations sometimes arise on a certain railway line in Montana because of the different ways people have of pronouncing the name of the station known as "Euralia." One writer says that a conductor, on an approaching train, opened the forward door and called out in loud tones that sounded thus : "You're a liar ! You're a liar !" Then, before the passengers had recovered from the shock, the brakeman opened the rear door, and shouted what sounded like: "You really are ! You really are !" FOR CONVENIENCE. One of the railroad stations in Texas is about a mile from the business part of town. One night a tired traveling-man said to the negro who was driving him to the hotel : "Old man, why did they put this depot so far from town?" The driver slowly scratched his head, as he replied: "Well, boss, I s'pose dey done dat so as to hab de depot as near as dey could to de railroad." ACCOUNTED FOR. A tedious narrator was telling some friends about his recent trip to Switzerland. Said he: "There I stood, gentlemen, with the abyss yawning before me." "Pardon me," said one of his listeners, "but was that abyss yawning before you got there?" NO PARTICULAR HURRY. "Next stop is yo' station," said the Pullman porter. "Shall I brush yo' off now." "No," replied the passenger ; "when the train stops, I'll step off myself." 314 WIT AND HUMOR FEARED TO TAKE CHANCES. A woman and her daughter were at sea during a storm. After a silence of some time, the mother asked : "Are you seasick, dear?" "No, I think not, but I'd hate to yawn." HAD HIS BEARINGS. A little boy who had to be on the train overnight slept in an upper berth. Once he awakened and sat up. "Do you know where you are, Bobby?" his mother asked. "Course I do. I'm in the top drawer." SOUNDED LIKE IT. "How long does the train stop at Winston?" inquired a woman passenger of the conductor. "Just four minutes, lady — from two to two to two-two." The woman turned to her companion, and said: "I wonder if he thinks he's the whistle on the engine?" TO AVOID ANXIETY. In the small hours of the morning the suburbanite got off the delayed train at the home station. Going to the telegraph office, he sent this message: "Will not be at my office to-day. Am not home yesterday yet." IN GOOD SHAPE NOW. A stranded actress was obliged to put up at a country hotel. She glanced, frowningly, about the office, signed the register, and took the brass key from the proprietress, with the petulant ques- tion: "Is there water in my room?" "Why, there was, but we had the roof fixed just a day or two ago." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 3T5 "HAPPY ON THE WAY." "I wish we were there. This car is getting close." "Yes; and it will get closer as we get nearer." MADE PLAIN. "Why are we so late, Mr. Conductor?" "Well, madam, you see, the train in front was behind, and this one was behind before besides," 316 WIT AND HUMOR TYPOGRAPHICAL. Thrice happy he whose name has been well spelt in the despatches*—' Byron. AS EDITORS EXPRESS IT. To print a kiss upon her lips He thought the time was ripe; But when he went to press she said: "I do not like your type." — Boston Transcript A kiss he printed on her lips, And she made this oration : "Please, please continue doing that — It boosts my circulation !" — New York Sun, A kiss he printed on her lips — A soft, a sweet caress; And this is what she whispered low: "Don't let them stop the press." —Brook field Gazette, IN NEED OF REPAIRS. To kill, in composing-room language, means to slaughter something that has been put in type. One newspaper received the following instructions by wire: "Kill 'Man Fatally Hurt/ in trolley wreck; not yet dead." The copy-reader at once wrote the following note for the composing-room : "Hold 'Man Fatally Hurt' for new head and additions." FOUR WORDS IN ONE. There is a word in the English language, the first two letters of which signify a male, the first three a female, the first four a great man, and the whole, a great woman. The word is "heroine." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 3117 WHAT ONE LETTER WILL DO. A Chicago paper reported that the propeller Alaska was leav- ing port with a cargo of forty thousand bushels of cats. A Buffalo paper, in describing the scene when Roosevelt took the oath of office as President, said it was one never to be for- gotten, when Roosevelt, before the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and a few witnesses, took his simple bath. WHY HE RESENTED. At a wedding the bride was Miss Jane Helper and the bride- groom was Newton Lord. The bridegroom, however, was very angry when he saw in the local paper an account of their wedding, headed in the usual way: "Lord — Helper." PERHAPS TO SEE IDAHO. Dear Luke : — When Arkansaw Delaware her New Jersey, I'll bet he couldn't keep his Iowa. And, by the way, where has Oregon ?— Joe. 318 WIT AND HUMOR WARNING. Joke freely with the monkey, but don't play with his tail. — Haytian Proverb. STILL UNSETTLED. "Can I interest you in an attachment for your typewriter?" asked the agent, as he entered the office. "No chance," replied Robbins. "I'm still paying alimony on the strength of the attachment I had for my last typewriter." SURE OF ONE THING. "Don't let the sun go down upon your wrath," said a kind- hearted man to another, who was scolding his son in a most brutal manner. "Never trouble yourself about that," retorted the angry par- ent; "I'll not; but what I'm going to do is to let my wrath descend upon the son before he goes to bed to-night." THE ONE HE HEEDED. Little Tommy wanted a birthday party, to which his mother consented, provided he would ask his little friend Tommy. The boys had been having trouble, but, rather than not have the party, Harry promised his mother to invite him, anyway. On the evening of the party, however, when all of the other small guests had arrived, the mother noted his absence, and, becoming suspicious, sought her son. "Harry," she said, "did you invite Tommy?" "Yes, mother." "And did he say he would not come?" "No. I invited him, all right, but I dared him to come," FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 319 TERRIBLE POSSIBILITIES. "Nigger," warned one, "don't mess wid me, 'kase, when yo' do, yo' shuah is flirtin' wid de hearse." "Don't pesticate me, nigger," replied the other, shaking his fist. "Don't fo'ce me to press dis upon yo,' 'kase, if I does, I'll hit yo' so ha'd I'll separate yo' from amazin' grace to a floatin' opportunity." "If yo' mess wid me, nigger," came back the first, showing the full whites of his eyes, I'll jes' make one pass, an' dere'll be a man pattin' yo' in de face wid a spade to-morrow mo'nin'." MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE. An eminent scientist was giving a lecture, during which he said the sun was gradually losing its heat, and that in seventy million years all beneficent effects from it would be lost. "Pardon me," said a man in the audience, nervously, "how long did you say it would be before this terrible calamity would occur?" "Why, about seventy million years," repeated the scientist. "Thank heaven !" exclaimed the questioner, with a sigh of relief. "I thought you said seven million." 21 320 WIT AND HUMOR LITTLE QUESTIONS. "What is frenzied finance, pa?" "Financing your friends, I guess." "Did you tell the doctor what you had?" "No; he just took it." Barber: "Do you mind shutting your mouth?" Customer: "Not if you shut yours." Willie: "Pa, when has a man got horse sense?" Father: "When he can say nay." Howard: "Will you lend me your mug to shave?" Louis : "Go on, now ! Shave your own mug !" "Does your mother object to kissing?" "Not if you don't try to kiss her." "Have you read 'Freckles' ?" "Goodness, no! Mine are light brown. Can't you see?" City Boarder: "You hatch your own chickens, I suppose?" Farmer: "No, we alius let the hens do that." "What kind of ships do they have dog-watches on?" "Why, barks, I suppose." "What is Mrs. Hampton taking for the kleptomania?" "Most anything she can get her hands on, they say." Father: "Weren't you out after eleven last night?" Son : "No, father, not near that bad. I was only after one. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 321 Professor: "What is a vacuum?" Student : "I can't explain it, but I have it in my head." "So you have fired Kellems — slow in everything, is he?" "No, not everything. He gets tired quick enough." "Have you forgotten us, Mr. Waiter?" "Oh, no, sir. You're the two soft-boiled eggs." "Why didn't you laugh at the boss' joke this afternoon?" "Don't have to. I'm quittin' next Saturday." "Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" "Sure! Did you think it would go through?" "Eliza, what fo' yo' buy dat udder box ob shoe-blackin' ?" "G'wan ! Dat ain't shoe-blackin'. Dat's mah massage cream." "Jane, how is it I saw you treat your friends to my cake?" "I can't tell, mum. I thought I covered the keyhole." Stranger (to farmer's son) : "Does the cow give much milk?" "No, she don't give none. We have to take it away from her." "You say the man in the gray suit never treats any one well?" "Yes; they must be sick, first. You see, he's a doctor." "Are the Smiths taking in boarders?" "Yes, and some of them have found it out already." She: "What beautiful flowers! Why, isn't there still a little. dew on them?" He (blushing furiously) : "Yes, but I'll pay it before long." Friend: "Is it true that your son is half-back on the football team?" Father: "Yes; and a long way back on his studies." 322 WIT AND HUMOR Son: "Do you suppose I have enough lumber to finish this chicken-house ?" Father : "Of course you have. Use your head." Judge (in divorce case) : "Didn't you take your wife for better or for worse?" "Yes, so I did. But she's a lot worse than I took her for." "I hear they have stopped sending mail to Washington. I wonder why it is?" "Because he's dead, they say." "Why do you come to me again for help? Haven't you any close relatives?" "Yes; that's the reason I come to you." "Wonder why Steve has quit going with the lady clerk at the post-office ?" "They say she looks upon him as second-class male matter." FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 323 PITHY POINTS. Folly, as she flies, should be swatted. Golden rule for beauty: Use plenty of gold. "He who does not look before finds himself behind." Many a case of love at first sight is due to dim lights. People who wander in their minds can't stray very far. Poor zebra ! He must wear stripes the rest of his life. A clock strikes, and goes on working, but a man doesn't. "Don't be satisfied to pay as you go. Save enough to get back." The more dough a baker kneads, the smaller his financial needs. "The more praise a man bestows upon himself, the wiser he isn't." "Too much religion will destroy a man's talents as a horse- trader." Many a man has hatched out a scheme by having his mind set on it. It isn't enough to get a steady job. The fellow himself must be steady. "The devil rejoices more in one hypocrite than in ninety-nine genuine sinners." Hypocrites? Lot's of them. See that you keep the number down to one less. Advertisement of a balloon company : "Better buy shares now. They may go up." "What's in a name," asks the Nashville Tennesseean, "when Christian County, Kentucky, goes wet, and Bourbon County goes dry?" 324 WIT AND HUMOR "I never bluff about my goods," said the umbrella dealer; "I always put up or shut up." Medical Student's Ambition: To put "Dr." before his own name, and after the names of others. Extract from Sentimental Letter: "Last night I sat in a boat on Lake Erie, drinking it all in." "Richleigh seems very proud of his family tree — says he can trace his ancestry for many degenerations." Mrs. Hicks (speaking of her son, just home from college) : "Yes, he speaks several languages very flippantly." "Elocution," wrote a schoolboy, "is the way people are put to death in some parts of the United States." The Boston Transcript says men are like tea — their real strength isn't drawn out until they get into hot water. Vermont Schoolboy: "The people who lived on the earth be- fore it was inhabited were a very low order of savages." Little City Girl (in the country, watching cows chewing their cud) : "Grandpa, do you have to buy gum for all the cows?" A traveling salesman received this message from his wife, while on the road : "Twins arrived last night. More by mail." Some persons are so stingy that if you ask them to sing "Old Hundred," they say they like "Ninety and Nine" much better. It is said that A. Ward once remarked about the well-known Missouri product: "It's a poor mule that won't work both ways." From a Country Weekly : "Watermelons are getting so plenti- ful that farmers are feeding them to hogs. We had several this week." Pat (writing back to Ireland) : "America is the land of oppor- tunity. Here you can get a five-dollar money-order for three cents." The boy who wished he was like a postage-stamp, so he couldn't be licked but once, didn't want to be like it in having to be punched in the face. FOR PUBLIC SPEAKERS 325 The bank president, a very practical man, described the miss- ing cashier thus : "He was nearly six feet tall and $6,000 short." "Extravagance," said Goldstein, "may be one thing for one person and another thing for another. For instance, a man with a beard should never wear a necktie." Young lady, if your mother sees that one side of the nose of the young man who has been calling on you is powdered, and that one side of your nose isn't, she knows what has happened, and there's no use in you trying to explain it away. THE END. CROSS-REFERENCES Note — The figures indicate the page and the order of the story. For instance, "Aviation, 188-2," refers to the second story on page 188. Absentmindedness, 27-1, 28-5, 29-3, 44-3, 45-1, 112-5, 185-1, 190-1, 216-2, 284-2, 293-1. Abundance, 162-4, 197-4. Accommodating, 312-1. Acrostical, 316-3. Admonition, 83-3, 214-3. Advertising, 38-4, 75-2, 136-3, 158-2, 221-2. Advice, 84-1, 142-1, 185-4, 252-3. Age, 228-1. Alarm, 70-2. Ambiguity, 40-3, 43-4, 46-3, 123-3, 180-3, 197-2, 221-2, 296-2. Ambition, 28-1, 96-4, 250-2. Ancestry, 29-2, 262-3, 302-1. Anniversary, 120-2, 223-3. Answers, 166-1, 178-3, 303-2. Anticipation, 58-1, 69-2, 302-1. Appreciation, 115-2, 231-1. Art, 127-2, 208-2, 208-3. Astronomy, 178-4, 319-2. Attire, 84-2. Auctioneering, 34-1. Aviation, 188-2, 206-1. Babyhood, 46-1, 64-3, 144-4, 162-3, 174-2, 193-2, 211-1, 212-2, 255-4. Bald, 65-1. Banqueting, 76-2. 327 Bargaining, 122-3, 148-1. Bashfulness, 43-2, 47-1, 152-1, 154-2. Benevolence, 234-1. Bequests, 250-3, 303-1, 307-1. Birds, 244-1, 272-3. Blundering, 61-2, 189-2, 284-3. Boarders, 101-1, 260-1. Boasting, 38-2, 56-4, 142-4, 197-1, 238-4, 251-4. Book-agent, 78-2. Boston, 262-2, 276-3. Boxing, 276-2. Brains, 92-5, 268-2. Brogue, 285-3, 288-3. Bryan, Wm. J., 134-3. Burglary, 132-1, 291-1. Business, 18-1, 35-1, 70-3, 161-1, 175-2, 284-1. Caboose, 240-3. Cain, 248-1. Camping, 173-4. Challenge, 82-2. Characteristic, 196-4, 199-1. Chinese, 249-3, 308-3. Choirs, 256-2. Church, 220-2. Circus, 25-1, 173-1, 236-3, 270-4. City Life, 168-3, 176-1. Cleanliness, 272-4. Clerking, 224-3, 309-4. 328 CROSS-REFERENCES Coincidence, 26-1, 33-3, 136-1. Collection, 57-5, 65-4, 66-1, 280-1. College, 16-2, 242-2, 247-2, 261-1. Compliment, 87-1, 88-1, 221-1. Composition, 268-4. Conceit, 59-5, 232-3. Confession, 42-3, 45-3, 72-1, 89-4, 145-5. Conformity, 57-1, 58-2, 172-3, 240-4. Conscientiousness, 17-3, 150-3, 225-3. Contempt, 29-1, 85-2. Contrast, 112-4. Conveniences, 167-3. Country Life, 25-3, 34-2, 63-1, 100-1, 106-3, 158-3, 159-2, 191-4, 195-4, 202-1, 205-4, 215-2, 229-1, 314-5. Courage, 91-4, 119-2, 243-2. Court, 67-2, 71-4. Courtship, 210-1, 218-3, 232-2. Cranks, 97-1, 177-3. Crimes, 240-2. Culinary, 154-1, 155-2, 155-3. Curiosity, 37-1, 54-2, 117-4. Custom, 43-1, 152-3. Cyclones, 151-3. Deafness, 192-1, 192-2, 219-3. Deception, 38-3, 286-2. Decoy, 111-1, 116-3, 307-3. Degrees, 57-2, 103-1 Delay, 269-4, 314-4. Delirium, 232-4. Deluge, 58-4, 160-2, 301-1. Descendants, 178-1. Description, 128-2, 140-3. Desperate, 92-4. Detectives, 62-1, 233-2. Diagnosis, 141-3, 182-1, 184-1. Difference, 57-3, 77-4, 293-2. Disappointment, 41-1, 113-4, 133-2, 134-2, 140-2, 145-4. Disobedience, 71-3. Diplomacy, 50-1, 92-3. Dixie-land, 88-2, 168-2, 228-3. Dodging, 20-2, 279-1. Dreams, 92-1, 305-1. Drouth, 78-1. Earthquakes, 128-3. Fxonomy, 101-2, 154-3, 221-3. Editorial, 139-1, 169-2, 246-1, 264-1. Education, 157-3, 207-1. Effrontery, 105-2, 135-3. Egotism, 74-1, 133-1, 165-2, 263-4. Embarrassment, 42-4. Etiquette, 270-2. Evidence, 119-4, 187-5. Evolution, 110-1. Exaggeration, 128-4, 164-2. Examination, 267-1, 270-5, 272-5. Example, 90-4, 96-2. Expectation, 95-2, 109-3. Experience, 23-3, 59-4, 183-2, 279-3. Extravagance, 32-2, 308-1. Fables, 78-3, 237-2, 308-2. Faith, 185-3. Familiarity, 118-3, 192-4. Fate, 82-1, 115-1. Flattery, 42-2, 101-5, 309-3. Flirting, 245-2. Fortune-telling, 169-1. Fraternity, 154-4. French, 125-2, 177-1, 224-4. Frogs, 273-5. Fruitless, 105-3, 107-4, 151-1. CROSS-REFERENCES 329 Gardening, 191-2. Giraffe, 58-5. Golden Rule, 291-2. Gossip, 21-1, 103-2, 165-1. Government, 252-4. Grammatical, 45-2, 211-3, 247-1, 269-2, Gratitude, 22-3, 23-1, 114-2, 172-2. Greed, 35-3, 53-2, 57-5, 99-3, 218-2, 239-3, 281-2. Harmony, 73-1, 90-1, 153-1. Helpmate, 114-1, 117-1. Henpecked, 37-3, 216-3. Heroism, 171-1, 233-3. History, 270-5, 269-1. Hits, 24-2, 25-4, 27-2, 31-2. Home Life, 116-1, 129-1, 275-3. Homesickness, 107-3. Honesty, 26-2. Humiliation, 134-3, 139-3, 219-4. Hunger, 238-3, 285-3. Hunting, 285-1. Hypocrisy, 225-4, 226-1. Ignorance, 16-2, 90-2, 146-2, 172-1, 178-2, 192-3, 196-2. Illustration, 64-2, 85-3. Imagination, 44-2, 288-2. Imitation, 17-2, 35-2, 181-3, 190-3, 227-1, 314-3. Impossibility, 186-1, 189-1. Inconsistency, 79-1, 123-2, 211-3. Independence, 193-3, 199-3. Innocent, 21-2, 68-3, 174-1. Innovation, 156-1, 215-2. Inquisitiveness, 41-4, 63-2, 80-5, 173-2, 248-2. Insanity, 92-2, 233-4, 285-4. Insinuation, 62-2, 85-1, 89-1, 98-1, 99-2, 181-2, 196-1, 3C2-2. Insurance, 145-3, 190-1, 310-1. Interruption, 96-3, 152-2. Irish Life, 19-1, 28-3, 29-2, 37-2, 40-2, 70-1, 71-2, 76-3, 79-3, 80-2, 87-2, 95-1, 103-1, 131-3, 139-4, 143-4, 157-1, 163-1, 168-4, 170-3, 178-4, 191-1. 203-2, 210-3, 213-2, 214-5, 217-3, 223-1, 224-2, 231-2, 239-1, 249-2, 251-1, 251-3, 252-2, 262-4, 276-2, 297-1, 304-1. Jurymen, 86-1, 135-1. Lawyers, 82-3, 83-1, 293-3. Laziness, 15-1, 22-2, 34-2, 69-1, 201-1. Leadership, 39-2, 190-2. Lecturing, 68-2, 143-2. Legality, 278-1, 306-1. Lent, 261-2. Life-preservers, 245-1, 261-4. Limitations, 60-1, 138-2, 160-4, 163-4. Literary, 44-1, 134-1, 163-4, 164-3, 231-3, 297-3. Love, 27-3, 90-5. Loyalty, 281-4. Manners, 142-3. Marriage, 78-4, 93-3. Masquerade, 205-2. Matched, 101-3, 185-2, 310-2. Memory, 18-4. 50-2, 138-2, 255-3. Metaphor, 261-3. Meter, 238-2. Misjudging, 44-2, 144-3. Mistaken, 42-1, 112-3, 119-1, 299-2. Mountaineers, 30-1, 158-1. Nativity, 88-2, 131-2. Nature, 61-3, 161-3, 201-1, 207-3. 330 CROSS-REFERENCES Navigation, 266-2, 314-1. Negro Life, 15-2, 19-2, 23-2, 69-3, 72-3, 77-3, 79-4, 82-1, 82-2, 113-1, 119-3, 138-1, 141-2, 146-4, 147-3, 149-1, 153-3, 156-1, 165-3, 168-1, 170-1, 176-3, 184-2, 198-1, 199-2, 206-1, 226-2, 227-3, 228-3, 232-1, 233-1, 280-1, 282-2, 291-3, 292-3, 293-4, 298-1, 313-2, 319-1. Neighbors, 41-3, 231-4. Nicknames, 26-3, 97-2. Obedience, 19-4, 37-3, 135-1, 152-3. Obstinacy, 86-1, 200-1. Occupation, 67-1, 249-1. Opportunity, 97-4, 110-2. Palmistry, 31-1. Parables, 175-3, 204-2. Peddlers, 51-3, 101-4, 257-1. Perplexity, 60-2, 143-5. Persistency, 64-1, 208-1. Pessimism, 51-1, 56-2, 182-3. Poetical, 209-2, 297-5. Policeman, 19-3, 252-1. Political, 109-5, 149-2, 205-3, 219-1, 227-2. Post-office, 247-3, 254-1. Practical, 94-2. Preachers, 72-2, 139-2, 165-1, 211-2, 263-1. Precaution, 147-1, 153-2, 158-1, 178-5. Preference, 49-4, 58-3, 94-2, 144-2. Preparation, 25-2, 142-2, 214-4, 273-4. Prescription, 83-2, 183-3, 207-2. Prison Life, 17-4, 44-2, 53-1. Prodigal, 62-3. Pronunciation, 206-2, 313-1. Proof, 30-2, 37-2, 75-3, 94-4. Proposing, 39-1, 302-2. Punishment, 204-2, 215-3, 237-1, 267-2, 272-1. Pursuit, 209-3, 211-5. Phonograph, 196-3. Photography, 204-4, 239-5, 240-1. Quaker, 247-4. Quarreling, 110-5, 146-1, 216-4, 230-2, 256-1, 263-2. Questions, 158-2, 306-1. Quotations, 25-4, 33-1, 111-5, 163-3, 208-1, 211-5. Rain, 16-3, 143-2. Rebuke, 106-3, 111-2, 140-1. Reciprocal, 50-4, 87-3, 115-3, 312-2. Reciprocity, 98-3, 99-4, 130-2. Recital, 194-2. Relatives, 113-3, 119-1, 239-4. Reminder, 145-1, 204-3. Reporting, 17-4, 51-2, 127-3, 290-2, 294-3, 296-3. Responsibility, 160-1. Restaurant, 245-2, 256-4, 260-2, 295-1. Restraint, 129-2, 131-4. Reversible, 47-2, 69-1, 77-2, 131-1, 132-3, 132-4, 151-2, 197-5, 271-2. Riddles, 243-3, 311-3. Rivalry, 130-1, 229-1. Royalty, 225-2, 252-4. Safety First, 50-3, 104-1, 146-3, 177-2, 187-3, 195-1. Sagacity, 102-1, 102-3. Sailing, 245-1, 260-3. Satisfaction, 51-3, 186-2, 201-3. CROSS-REFERENCES 331 Scheming, 16-1, 33-2, 34-3, 102-2. Self-control, 54-4, 136-2, 264-2. Selfishness, 114-4, 128-1, 144-1, 220 1. Servants, 120-3, 172-2, 215-1, 217-1. Shakespeare, 162-4, 188-1, 215-4. Shopping, 174-1, 177-1, 186-3, 277-4, 296-1, 306-3. Side-stepping, 100-2, 218-3. Sight-seeing, 287-2, 292-1. Singing, 112-2, 197-4. Soldier Life, 24-1, 28-4, 40-1, 53-3, 159-3, 224-1, 303-3, Speed, 19-3, 24-3. Sport, 204-1, 247-1. Statistical, 187-2. Statues, 162-2, 228-2. Story, 100-3. Street-car Talk, 18-3, 20-1, 107-2, 167-1, 175-1, 181-1, 191-3, 209-2, 226-2, 227-1, 246-2, 253-1, 258-1, 265-1. Stupidity, 40-1, 43-3, 96-1, 105-1, 117-2, 120-1, 160-3, 161-2, 161-4, 205-1. Stinginess, 118-1, 144-5, 281-3. Stuttering, 213-1, 309-2. Substitution, 20-3, 20-4, 54-1. Suburbs, 248-3. Subway, 286-1. Suffragette, 99-1, 135-2. Superfluity, 55-1, 174-3. Surgical, 184-1. Surveillance, 120-4. Suspicion, 147-4, 234-2, 294-2. Sustenance, 210-4. Sympathy, 91-3, 115-5. Tact, 36-1, 66-2. Taxidermy, 132-2. Technical, 80-3, 80-4. Telegrams, 94-1, 157-2, 214-2, 285-2. Telephoning, 156-2, 203-1. Temperance, 49-1, 53-4, 149-3, 150-1, 208-2. Testimony, 79-2, 81-1, 105-1. Theatrical, 71-1, 106-1, 250-1. Time, 129-1, 283-2. Timely, 184-3, 187-1. Timepiece, 68-1, 222-1, 240-5. Tonsorial, 68-4, 130-3, 219-2, 236-2. Training, 46-1, 90-3, 128-5, 180-1. Tramp Life, 18-2, 54-3, 73-2, 76-1, 123-1, 170-2, 177-2, 180-2, 203-3. Transfer, 202-2, 253-1. Trapped, 97-3, 119-4. Traveling, 103-3, 161-3, 162-1, 163-2, 180-4, 224-4, 259-4, 262-1, 280-3. Trickery, 266-1, 288-1, 305-2. Truthfulness, 17-3, 39-4, 80-1, 114-3, 177-4, 246-1. Typographical, 44-1, 47-3. Uncertainty, 49-3, 53-1, 292-4. Undertaker, 188-4. Unimportant, 133-3. Usefulness, 125-3, 127-1, 143-1. Viewpoint, 57-4, 59-4, 184-2. Visiting, 29-4, 67-3, 181-4. Warning, 39-5, 112-1, 214-1. Washington, 271-3. Wealth, 166-1, 173-2. W r eather, 32-1, 267-3, 271-5, 306-2. Weddings, 43-1, 91-5, 216-1, 219-3, 302-4. 332 CROSS-REFERENCES Wife-beater, 289-2. Will-power, 117-3, 155-1. Wilson, Woodrow, 107-4. Wisdom, 251-2, 269-3, 301-2, 303-1. Wishing, 30-3, 218-1. Woman, 40-5, 66-3. Worry, 122-2, 258-2, 310-3. Worthless, 28-2, 28-3. Yankee, 230-1.